waves

i wish i could fix the world. 

my world. 

bibbidy bobbidy boo.

every decision makes waves. certain decisions create tsunamis.

the cataclysms of agency are endless. i wish i could still the waves crashing over those in my world so they could catch their breath. i wish i could offer a rope to toe them into safety, be a lighthouse for them to return to the shore.

life certainly is not fair and i feel helpless, rooted by cement on the sandy shore as foam crashes over my feet and they flail in the water. 

the roughest part is knowing you're drowning because of others' choices. you did not jump into the sea but were plummeted. underwater you open your eyes and barely have strength to break the surface, to swim to a shore that has been changed by the colossal waves of agency. 

j.beibs

please let my future husband embarrass me like this at our wedding.

i don't care if he sings j.beibs, as long as he has some a these dance moooves!

i love it too much.

men should be like kleenex

"men should be like kleenex-- soft, strong, and disposable"
-mrs. white {clue, the movie}

oh, this quote kills me. gotta love mrs. white.

i am all about my men being manly. strong and engineer-esque {to figure out things that boggle me}. a little scruff and large bold hands, with a few muscles for good measure.
i like my men soft, too-- to hold my hand and humor me with pride & prejudice. a man who likes to cuddle and dance in the rain.

as far as the disposable part goes... i hope my future man isn't. with love you should never be disposable to each other.

that is my ideal man-- soft, strong, and in-disposable. 

authentic

oh my gosh. i love this.

"more than the question of morality, i think i just want to live authentically."
-meg fee

authentic living. i am all for that.
so here's to telling the truth, even when it's hard. here's to telling certain men to bugger off and others to come closer. here's to being authentically me.

*picture from here

exercise, or like unto it

little known fact: i dropped 11 pounds in 3 months.

not that i was trying to, but it happened. high stress and little food consumption does that, apparently. i was just a few pounds away from my high school weight and frankly, it was a little scary to me.

an eating disorder has always been a fear of mine. fortunately for me and my body, i can neither throw up nor abstain from food {because hello, i am cupcake queen} so both bulemia and anorexia were out of the question. the thought processes, however, were not. after i lost the weight unexpectedly and without trying i wanted to keep going, become oh so skinny. intentionally. somehow that would prove hunter wrong. somehow that would make me okay.  before i got myself into trouble with these thoughts, the new year intervened and i made the resolution to eat health{ier] and exercise.

exercise does wonders, my friend. i have gained back a few of those 11 pounds but i am feeling fantastic. for the past month i have been at a fairly constant and healthy weight. today i ate three squares of chocolate cake {it is national chocolate cake day, after all} and i am a-okay with that because jillian michaels is kicking my trash. i didn't know i could physically sweat as much as i do with her 20 minute work-outs. literally, i almost die but somehow feel invigorated? ooooeeeeiii! wish me luck in my quest to get "ripped" or whatever. also, if you want a quick work-out i recommend jillian.



in other unrelated news, i'm going on a blind date tonight.


.....................................................................................

i know i can't totally knock blind dates because both my parents aaaand my bestie met their eternal lovers on blind dates... so i'm trying to be open. i've never really done the "blind date" thing-a-ma-jig before so we'll see how this plays out. 

i'm a little apprehensive.

attachment barbie strikes again

i've said it before and i'll say it again:
i'm attachment barbie.

if you don't follow, watch the clip above.

that is me.
i have to fess up, and it isn't going to be easy.

i so wish i could be g.i. jane.
instead, i am such a girl. 

and life goes on

"you look good. you get a sense for how someone is doing when you walk into a room, and you look good". -my doc




i feel good. i feel happy.
{by golly!}
and it's not necessarily because i am smokin' hot {plaid shirt and yesterday's curled hair, oh baby oh baby}. if you took away the mascara and planned outfits, i would still look better than i have in months. i feel radiant. 

i think i've discovered the cure-- i cook. i exercise on a semi-regular basis. i shower and take time to shave my legs. i listen to music. i write down what i think and feel and know. i am finding myself in this rubble of life experience and miraculously growing. 

also, a great contributing factor to the cure is... man hugs. gosh am i a sucker for some lovin'. srsly.
i am not ready to jump into another relationship or trust just yet, but that irksome void is slowly filling. i have hope that there is someone else's arms who will feel like home to me, and that hope is more than i have felt in some months.

i can honestly say that today i am okay.
i am more than okay. 

we were what we were, and we ended. 

ce la vie. and life goes on. 

how?

"how long will you date someone before you get married?"

 he asked it softly. 

i was quiet in thought because, how will i ever know? how will i believe someone when they tell me they love me, that they want to be with me? the fear in my heart shuddered and i blinked back the tears before answering, "i don't know". 

i thought i knew. my love and future was as certain as death and taxes {meet joe black} 

after 3 1/2 years with hunter, i thought i knew everything there was to know about love.
 a thousand promises and dozens of kisses later, our relationship dissolved like alkazelser {although less fizzy} and he whispered on the phone that he didn't see me in his future.

my heart literally broke.
i'm still in the mending process.
i have discovered the conventional ways, and a few unorthodox. 

now without further ado, the point of this post: 
{my favorite quote from meet joe black}

in a nutshell, that is what i want. when i find that in a relationship, then i may just be ready to say "i do" and toss aside my insecurities for something bigger than me. for love.

dim light

it had been months since she had seen his eyes in the dim light. she knew. and he knew.

it was the same but entirely different.

exactly one year of time, and there they stood. again.  

i am

i am a vault. my heart is secure, behind these titanium and bolts.
but if you listen, carefully, i will give you the code.

i am a riddle. my cryptic words are layered with secrecy and disguise.
but if you listen, i will unveil the clues for you. just you.

i am bitter. my anger seeps and his hurt radiates.
but if you melt my soul, this warmth will shine through

and we will fall in love.

winter wonderland

i love good ol' fashioned fun.

like sledding.

despite utah's lack of snow for the entire season, we ventured up to soldier's hollow with our ward for fhe and had an absolute blast. man-made snow or not, it was a winter wonderland!

 {roommate picture-- all dressed up for sledding }

 {gansta}

 {love this guy! so fun}

 {my tennies in a winter wonderland, as we were being pulled up the baby mountain to race down}

 {at the top}

{post-hot cocoa}

snickerdoodle cupcakes

i'm a baking fiend some days.
going right along with my resolution to try at least one new recipe a month, i tested out "snickerdoodle cupcakes".

below is the recipe {from martha stewart}
they were delish and evaporated at work. i would try adding applesauce to give them just a titch more moisture but all in all, delectable!

snickerdoodle cupcakes:
1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour

• 1 1/2 cups cake flour (not self- rising), sifted
• 1 tablespoon baking powder
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 1 tablespoon ground cinnamon, plus 1/2 teaspoon for dusting
• 1 cup (2 sticks) unsalted butter, room temperature
• 1 3/4 cups sugar, plus 2 tablespoons for dusting
• 4 large eggs, room temperature
• 2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract
• 1 1/4 cups milk

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Line standard muffin tins with paper liners. Sift together both flours, baking powder, salt, and 1 tablespoon cinnamon.
2. With an electric mixer on medium-high speed, cream butter and sugar until pale and fluffy. Add eggs, one at a time, beating until each is incorporated, scraping down sides of bowl as needed. Beat in vanilla. Reduce speed to low. Add flour mixture in three batches, alternating with two additions of milk, and beating until combined after each.
3. Divide batter evenly among lined cups, filling each three-quarters full. Bake, rotating tins halfway through, until a cake tester inserted in centers comes out clean, about 20 minutes. Transfer tins to wire racks to cool completely before removing cupcakes. Cupcakes can be stored up to 2 days at room temperature, or frozen up to 2 months, in airtight containers.

the recipe calls for some fancy schmancy 7 minute frosting but... my cinnamon-nutmeg buttercream frosting is awesome and the perfect compliment.

cinnamon-nutmeg buttercream frosting:
1 cube butter, room temperature
powdered sugar
dash or two of salt
a smidgen of milk
lots of vanilla
a few good shakes of cinnamon
a little less of nutmeg

voila! i recommend getting the right consistency prior to adding the cinnamon and nutmeg.

utah bucket list

come september, i am moving wherever the wind blows. ali and i compiled a "utah bucket list" to complete before the summer's end since it will probably be our last few months in utah... or at least, p-town.

• hogle zoo
• jazz game
• float provo river
• sl temple baptisms
• hike timp
• ride bikes-- tandem {which includes, fully learning how to ride a bike for me}
• lagoon!
• 7 peaks
• park city
• trafalga
• ice skating
• rock climbing @ the quarry
• many more dollar movies {including breaking dawn, to which we will ridicule}
• snowbird in the summer
• bee's game
• hot pots
• hobbitville
• emu's grave {creepy!}
• hang gliding
• swim @ great salt lake
• antelope island
• movies in the park {august}
• rooftop concerts {all summer long}
• more concerts in general
• real salt lake game
• miller motor sport's park
• heber creeper
• balboa beach {not exactly utah, but it's on the list}
• bear lake
• national parks {zions, bryce canyon, etc.}
• copper mine
• sundance film festival {this week!}

any further suggestions??

we'd love the input, and the company!

moving on

i went out on friday. a date, if you will {go me}.
my first, in fact, since the terribly traumatic break-up.

it was fine and he was lovely but i don't know if i'm ready for this, yet. to have someone else invade my space. to let someone into my secrets and trust that they will not break me, through ignorance or chance or malice.

i feel fragile. that the glue holding me together has not quite cured and the tiniest flick will send me into shatters. 

but i realized just yesterday-- i have survived. 6 weeks later i am still breathing and {usually} not crying.

some might even say i'm "moving on".
what does that even mean? moving on from the person i was with hunter... moving into new possibilities?
whatever the case, i am trying. my gosh, i am trying.

i am trying not to be stupid and kiss the boy whose scent is so endearing to me.
i am trying to forget the haunting words of hunter.
i am trying to be attracted to men who are not emotionally or physically unavailable {that's my thing, apparently}.
i am trying new recipes and going on adventures sledding and to buffalo wild wings. in those moments i feel that old joy come back to me, and i heartily laugh and feel my soul shifting into focus.

ingrid

ingrid is my soul sister. as in, musical soulmate. forever and ever, amen.

clearly, i'm obsessed.  i think she is the most honest musician. i love that she does not hide life but writes about the details, embracing every emotion.

her newest cd comes out in one week! january 24th will be a blessed, blessed day. 

i don't recall being this excited for really....anything in my adult life. 

she has had little snippits of each song posted on her facebook and i am already hooked. i know without a shadow of a doubt that i will be listening to her cd "human again" non-stop, for an indefinite amount of time. perhaps until i die of happiness? yes, that sounds lovely.

gosh, i love ingrid.
therefore, my future daughter shall be proclaimed "ingrid _____ {fill in future married last name}". as dear as my future hubster will be to me, there won't be any discussion on this one. he can pick the boy names if he likes.

that spark

my hands absorb the cold from the steering wheel. i crank up the heat but before my fingers can warm up, the rest of my body reaches that uncomfortable toasty stage. i squirm in the driver's seat and resort to cold hands on the steering wheel.

and this is all fine and dandy but the point is, i miss that separate pair of hands to warm up my own.

i believe love is rooted in your soul, or rather, in the connection of souls. although led astray for some years by disney, i realized {through personal experience} that love is not in a kiss. {my conclusion came by a host of anecdotes, but time is limited and my pillow is seducing me}.



when you kiss to be kissed, you feel the other person with your skin. you muse about the way your lips meet theirs and possibly contemplate the amount of germs being transmitted. it's logical and chemical.

but when you kiss to share yourself without reserve, every nerve ending is on fire. your bones ache with happiness and the idea of breathing seems inconsequential. as lips collide you inhale the perfection of the moment while memorizing their taste, pulling them closer still. your eyelashes flutter to ensure that you are not dreaming but this magic is real.
it is beyond logic. it is passion. it is sweet and lovely. 

merely interlocking fingers sparks my nerve endings. i miss that spark.
and let's be honest, i really miss the kissing. but not just the act of kissing-- i miss the magic and love behind the kiss. the trouble is, once you feel that spark... nothing else suffices.

i miss someone warming up my cold hands. 

but mostly i miss him sitting next to me. 

i want...

i am 22 years old. i am a college grad.

i should have some idea what i want to do with my life, right?



...a w k w a r d  s i l e n c e....
{pull at shirt collar and clear throat}

where i will be in 6 months is as big a mystery to me as how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie pop. i'm certain some people know such things but i am at a loss. 

i do have an inkling of what i want to do with my life... but i don't know how to pick up the pieces of the life i use to want and coincide it with who i am today. the career options scare the crap out of me. i'm not even sure i'm cut out for this grown-up stuff yet.

{my dream life} in a nutshell...
i want to help people, make a difference. 
i want to write a book-- i don't know about what or how or when, but i want to write.
i want to become a sous chef and amaze a million tastebuds.
i want to "find someone who [i] i can love like crazy and who will love [me] the same way back". 
i want to have babies!
i want to finger paint and draw with chalk, bake cookies and dance in the kitchen with my future family. 

i know the essence of who i want to be as a friend, wife, mother, daughter, and sister-- kind and genuine, smart and witty and fantastically wonderful.

yes, that sums things up nicely.

now the trick is to make it all happen. 

right now, i'm taking things one day at a time. 

next year you might find me in new york, seattle, colorado, germany, or arizona. 

pretty much anywhere but provo. i need a fresh start and i am rather fond of adventures!

unlimited french toast and bafflement

i went to kneaders for breakfast with my friend bill. that unlimited french toast is tasty goodness.

the place was absolutely packed. the line wrapped around to the tables and there was not a seat to be seen. except, of course, a nearby table in which we would be crashing the romance of an oblivious couple. we took it because it is nearly impossible to drizzle syrup and cut french toast standing, while balancing a plate in one hand.

the couple sat across from one another, pawing each other's hands while eating their french toast and coyly smiling. they reeked of clique mormonism and awful conversation but we endured his constant jabbering of mission stories {which are only acceptable when actually interesting} and lamenting over which celebrities supposedly were mormon and have since become inactive. my favorite line: "ya know the lead guy from singles ward isn't mormon anymore, right? i totalllly saw that one coming."  no you didn't dude, don't be an idiot to impress your doe-eyed girlfriend.

so bill and i are sitting there, devouring our breakfast in peaceful conversation about books and such when out of left field 'tangled' comes up in their intimate conversation. it's not that we were eavesdropping... we were inches from them so it was hard not to hear.

girl: something to the effect of "the movie tangled is so cute. i love it"
guy: "i refuse to see that movie on moral grounds. it degrades disney's legacy and establishes unrealistic expectations for dating. the girl isn't suppose to find the guy, she is suppose to wait for her to find him"

it was a good thing i was chewing or my jaw would have dropped. seriously??
next thing i knew they were talking about "fast and the furious". so let me get this straight... you won't see "tangled" on moral grounds but you'll watch skanky girls throw themselves at car-driving maniacs?

the thing that kills me is the girl didn't even say anything! she didn't stand up for the movie or herself. he walked all over her like a doormat and completely dominated the entire conversation. this is why i need to leave provo-- escape the stereotypical and horrific byu boy who thinks girls are not capable of assertion and should be weak and submissive, like unto his grandmother of the 1950's.

i clearly derive my spunk and tiny hands from my great-grandma. she was a force to be reckoned with at 4'11". yet a generation later my grandma (her daughter-in-law) never drove a car and receded into the shell of a woman through marriage. i am honestly excited to become a mother, to have a husband one day, but i will never stop being myself or standing up for my opinions. i am sassy. the day i date a man who encourages my sassiness will be the day the heavens shout hallelujah.

new year's resolutions

often, new year's resolutions are lofty, grandiose, and rather impossible. this year i determined to set goals that i would actually attain. not that i'm lowering my sights but i'm shying away from setting myself up for failure (i.e. the resolutions to: never eat out, join a gym and become a workout maniac, date ryan gosling, travel to africa and raise a lion cub, etc.)

my {managable} new year's resolutions

french fries... only once a week, girl. 
read at least one book a month. 
no candy bars. cinnamon gummy bears are still my friends but no more unfulfilling snickers. and farewell vending machine donuts... 
write. every day, write something.
be a better visiting teacher. 
eat out less... as in, once a week for lunch and once for dinner.
serve and forgive, hope and trust. 
take more pictures. loads. 
thou shalt only drink diet coke in moderation and place no other soda before it.
exercise.... i had to put it because there's no way in heaven or hell that i'm giving up desserts.
speaking of which, only one dessert a day. man, i failed at that one yesterday.
strive to become the daughter heavenly father prepared me to be. 
shop less. save more. 
be more adventurous in the kitchen.

there's a host of other things i'd like to accomplish, to become, but that is the list i am sharing.

gorgonzola & cranberry cheese ball

tonight i curled my hair with pin-back charm and sizzled in my "rebecca bloomwood" vibrant purple dress. more importantly, my cheese ball was a hit. it's my new go-to recipe for events-- gorgonzola and cranberry cheese ball. it is miiiighty tasty and perfect for a group. plus, gorgonzola is so fun to say!

one of  my new year's resolutions is to try, and share, a new recipe every month.  this one counts for last month but is still worthy of a blog post. bon appetit!

• 
  
• Gorgonzola & Cranberry Cheese Ball
• 1 package (8 ounces) cream cheese, softened
• 1 cup (4 ounces) crumbled Gorgonzola cheese (Sunflower market has it for a good price)
• 1 cup dried cranberries
• 2 tablespoons each finely chopped celery, green pepper and sweet red pepper
• 1 tablespoon finely chopped onion
• 1/4 teaspoon Tabasco sauce
• 3/4 cup chopped pecans
• Assorted crackers (Ritz are my favorite)

Directions

• In a small bowl, combine cheeses. Stir in the cranberries, vegetables and pepper sauce. Shape into a ball; wrap in plastic wrap. Refrigerate for 1 hour or until firm. Roll cheese ball in pecans. Serve with crackers. Yield: 2 cups. (from tasteofhome.com)

blue skies are coming

today at work someone laughed hard, just like hunter. and i think my heart stopped for a fraction of a second.

because even though i hate how things ended....really, i just hate that they ended at all... i can't absolve my memories of him. i remember those sacred moments-- when he held me too tight and whispered he loved me, the way he would wink at me and make me blush, how often he told me i was beautiful and his favorite person, the feel of his large hands in my hair...

and truthfully, i'm at a loss.

"it startled me, the idea that this person who had once so certainly loved me could change almost overnight"

- elna baker, the new york mormon regional singles halloween dance

i've been reading this book (quoted above) and i feel like it's my life in a way.  i half-way fell in love with an atheist, i was almost engaged to a good mormon boy, a boy whom i love... loved... more than my heart could contain. i asked god and received the distinct answer of 'yes, yes, yes!'... but then my world collapsed and this good mormon boy withdrew. for which reasons i may never fully understand. 

what transpired after the fact was me, aimlessly wandering, like a "hearbroken zombie". 

i need to be a better person. believe me, i realize this. i need to not resort to name-calling and i need to grieve in a non-destructive way. also, i seriously need to calm down the swearing. 

but right now i am taking things one day at time.

each day i get better, stronger. each day gets easier to think of him less and to not cry. 

"day by day, old joy comes back to me."

and blue skies... they're coming. 

- noah and the whale

(1275) days of he-who-must-not-be-named

the part where joseph-gordon levitt breaks plate after plate after plate in (500) days of summer is how i felt last night. or perhaps when he yells on the bus. regardless, the following clip sums it up nicely:

in high school i was the girl who slugged her guy friends for swearing, the girl who abhorred any usage of the 'f word', the girl who didn't understand the liberation that comes from swearing. and the girl who certainly never yelled.

i am no longer that girl.

i am the girl who laughs in (500) days of summer at the card "roses are red, violets are blue, *eff you whore".  i am the girl who intentionally burns and rips holes in things, who swears and yells. that's right hunter, yells, at the top of my lungs, that you are a coward.  i never thought i had it in me until he ignited the fury. now that i have gathered the courage to call him a coward and a host of other less-savory adjectives, i feel liberated. i feel exhilarated.  i feel validated. 

i will not let him claim one more day of me. i gave him approximately 1275. 

we had so many days of sunshine, of happiness. but love has its seasons and in the winter of our love he walked away, not even hoping for spring. he stopped fighting because it was hard. knowing he didn't love me enough is the biggest wound of all.