not with a fizzle but with a bang!

all signs point to another un-kissed-at-midnight new years eve.

but i'm going to have a blast, regardless, ringing in the new year with flare.

i do not need a man.
i don't!
i may want and wish and hope and pray, but at the end of the day, i am okay being just me for now.
i am enough on my own.

looking back at the beginning of the year, i have grown.

the measuring stick will tell you otherwise, but i have grown in inches of wisdom and heartache and joy and laughter. 
the scale admits a smidge of increased weight, but does not show the pounds of friends and memories or convey the gratitude that fills my smiling heart, weighing me down into wonder at the goodness in my life.

with this new self, i prepare to enter the year of graduation and greatness, of romance and wild adventures, of fantastic family and friend outings, spontaneous singing and delirious dancing-- all with a boatload of cupcakes, for good measure.

my new years resolution: 

to believe.

i want to be honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and do good to all men. 

i want to believe all things and hope all things.

i have endured many things and hope to be able to endure all things. 

i will seek after anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy.  

{paraphrasing of the thirteenth article of faith}

the debut

ta-da!

here are the nerdy frames of grandeur santa brought me. 

    and the nerdy girl behind the frames of grandeur.


here's a peek at christmas morning:

christmas was super. 

legitimately awesome.

my favorite parts of christmas include:
- reading the christmas story {from the bible} before opening presents in the late afternoon.
- a german pancake brunch.
- holding in my arms a new little baby {my cousin-nephew?}.  i admit, i had a wave of baby-hungriness... but mostly those 7 pounds gave me hope in my future-- that i will have a husband and babies and a great big wealth of happiness.

i am happy, now.

but i do look forward to the special joy of my own newborn baby
{don't fear people-- we're talking 10 years at the rate i'm going}.

never been kissed

apparently, it's {almost} every boy's fantasy for a girl {that they know-- not a strange random floosie} to come up, pull em close, and grant them one memorable smooch. 

this has been a common conversation at work as of late.

everyone tells me i need to just kiss a boy-- they worry for my sanity because it has been so long. 

but i ask...

in what universe is a girl brave enough to do that
for a first kiss?

it is hopelessly beyond me. 

sure, i've wanted to do that before. i may even want to now. 

but you've got to have balls, and i don't.  thank heavens.

i want to be chased. i want the boy to initiate. 

i want mr. coulsen to rush up to me, and without a word, kiss me on the pitcher's mound with a thousand eyes and cameras watching.

 {if you don't catch my drift, watch this}.

yes. that would be lovely.

... please excuse my swooning...

really, if michael vartan kissed me with the entire united states watching in the middle of the sidewalk, i would be a giddy little school girl.

meredith sum things up nicely:  

"i want heat, i want romance, damn it i wanna feel like a frickin' lady!"

...as does kate nash:

"i just want your kiss boy"

{watch it! it's my anthem at the moment... although the cats are slightly creepy}

laundry

when i fold laundry, soaking in the fresh scent, i am quite content knowing it is only my underwear, v-necks, and socks.

one day {in the far distant future} i'll be happy to launder the future mystery man's polos and slacks, even his ratty t-shirts and sneaker-stained socks {cause i'll love him or something like that}... 

but for now, i like knowing where my stains come from and that i only have a few pairs of socks to mate.

 i should inform the future mystery man {prior to marriage} that he's going to mate his own socks. no rhyme or reason other than i hate {and always have, i might add} mating socks. 
and i'm a terrible iron-er. 

that is another important consideration he should ponder before taking me to the alter. 

sock-rocking irony

irony: an outcome of events contrary to what was, or might have  been, expected.


the irony of yesterday stirs up a giggle within me.  


because, what else could be more hysterically ironic than a cute boy {we'll call him... pacman) calling you, and inviting you to a movie. and then your momma calling you, approximately 3 minutes later, to inform you that she and the pops are going to a movie.


what movie? you ask...
because it couldn't possibly, ever even conceivably be...

the same movie in the same city in the same theater at the same time.

oh, but it is.


and then pacman calls you, telling you he thinks he just saw your parents in line.


and then pacman texts you where the group is sitting (because you are driving up from lehi) and wouldn't ya know it... it's right in front of your parents. 

...the beautiful irony of life... 

it always ends up making for a good laugh and story.

yesterday was definitely a sock-rocking day:

- my new eye doctor informed me that, NO! you do not have keratoconus, and YES! you can wear soft contact lenses.

HaLLe-FReaKiN-LuJaH! 

- i ordered adorably nerdy glasses from costco. and flirted with the boy there as he stared into my eyes (hey, it's part of his job).

- i ate my first non-little-caeser's pizza in a good 5 months... and it was delicious. thanks pizza hut.

- it was christmas goodie baking day-- we accomplished, in a few short hours, sugar cookies, ginger molasses cookies, angel flake, and 2 different hello-dolly bars.

- my bestie and i saw a movie.

- pacman called me. and invited me to a movie. and kindly officially met my parents after the movie {regardless of the high-potentialiality to be awkward}, before walking me to my car and being tall and charming.

good sock-rocking day.

the irony just made it extra rockalicious. 

cyber clean

today i did something i should have done long ago-- i cleaned up my facebook.

as in, i de-friended {whoa} mr. practical brown shoe and a host of other people that i was never even friends with to begin with.

i feel liberated.

no longer will he (or other people that i have to stretch my imagination of how i know them) show up on my facebook feed or chat. 

hazzah!

also. i changed my facebook status to single.
and while i've been single for many moons, today i decided to own up to it in the cyber world.

this way, ryan reynolds will know when he looks at my spicy picture that i am single and waiting for him {ya know, since he split with scarlet}.

dream catcher

last night he kissed my forehead.

the soft and quick gesture calmed my wondering, as i caught sight of his face my mind had been chasing all evening. 

he made his entrance in the final stirring of my morning sleep.  i puzzled at the slatted sunshine covering my bed, wishing i was down the street of my dream in that chair with him, wrapped up in his smile and arms.

...................................................................................

i know i felt like this before

but now i’m feeling it even more

because it came from you

then i open up and see

the person fumbling here is me

i want more, impossible to ignore

impossible to ignore

they’ll come true, impossible not to do

impossible not to do

though my dreams, it’s never quite as it seems

’cause you’re a dream to me

dream to me 

-dream, by the cranberries-

december resolutions

everyone is always about new years resolutions... but why not squeeze in those things you've been putting off before the new year rings its bells?

my grand plans before january 1st:: 

{now that i am DONE with finals and have the short luxury of winter break}

- sleep. oh sleep and sleep and sleep.
- make a mess in the kitchen-- no more raman for me-- with my momma and a kitchen chalk-full of ingredients and utensils, we shall create: 
          addicting angel flake
          glorious ginger molasses cookies
          creme brulee french toast
          ... aaaand other luscious recipes i've been itching to make
- finally finally curl up with the help
- watch psych. as many episodes as i can. and fall more madly in love with sean and gus.
- play the piano, and regain that fluency of reading notes i once had.
- sell back my textbooks and rejoice! 
- kiss a boy. perhaps. or cuddle my little heart out.
- SLuMBeR PaRTY with my girls
- build a snowman, or an awesome snow-fort
- flext like there's no tomorrow
- do an inventory of my closet and do some serious de-cluttering
- put old memories in a box and stow them away, away from today
- snuggle up with momma and papa
- make a million paper snowflakes
- late nights & hot dates
- see old friends and share time with people i love
- make some money makin signs
- have an impromptu DaNCe PaRTY
- crash and resuscitate my computer, and organize my itunes library {after only 11 months}

PaRTaY like it's 2011!!!

oh, it's going to be grrreat!

he's flexting me!

there is a new lingo in town.

flexting.

the media {glee} has informed us the connotation of sexting {sex + texting}.

but do you know there are more definitions of texting?
...well, at least according to my friend morgan. {we are mormon, after all, and don't participate in the whole sexting deal}

it's still on the d.l.

lexting: 
what boys and girls in love do-- the "love you baby cakes" and "i can't imagine my life without you" texts, which make the heart aflutter with resounding commitment and joyous marriage plans.

love + texting= lexting.

this is grand and special and all, but the majority of people {outside of provo, i should amend} have not transitioned to the lexting stage, yet.

so an alternative was created-- flexting!

even though you're smart, i shall let you in on the secret-- flirt + texting= flexting.

those cheesy but adorable lines, the ;) {winkie and smilie faces which make the entire text more meaningful}, the insinuations of future plans, the numerous compliments... culminating in an almost tangible flirtatious aura around your phone. 

when you're flexting someone, everytime your phone buzzes you secretly hope its them, and that smile irresistibly creeps in when it is from them.

i hope you have a flexting buddy, or two, or five.

maybe one day i'll lext. 

but at the moment, i'm flexting, and rather enjoying myself. 

study break

after noodles & co and some yumminess from the cocoa bean, ali and i killed some time looking at dearblankpleaseblank.com

here are a few favorites:

Dear Inventor of Spooning,

What am I supposed to do with the bottom arm?!

Sincerely, The Big Spoon.

Dear Waldo,

Well played.

Sincerely, Ninjas.

Dear sexually active people,

Roses are red, violets are blue. STDs are contagious, so be careful who you screw.

Sincerely, sex ed teachers everywhere.

Dear Harry,

It's a good thing we're not related; your name would be Harry Longbottom.

Sincerely, Neville.

Dear People of the World,

We may be the snack that smiles back, but on the inside we're screaming.

Sincerely, Goldfish.

Dear substitute teacher,

That is my real name.

Sincerely, Mike Rotch.

Dear people who clap at the end of movies,

They can't hear you.

Sincerely, everyone else in the theater.

hope you had as good of a laugh as i did.

remember the reason

it's it miraculous that it all started with a perfect baby?
i can't imagine mary, what she felt...
but i love this song,

and i celebrate the day along with relient k.

i urge you to watch it and more fully enjoy this season that we celebrate Christ's birth, and everything He is to us.

bloodstream

i have chained myself {figuratively} to a cubicle on the 4th floor of the library. 


yeeeah. that's how i do. 

i'm not a huge library-for-hours-on-end kinda girl... but i plan to stay til 2 a.m.

that's what finals do to you-- insanity and forced productivity. 

but i figure, sleep is not coming anytime soon after my gargantuan nap and diet coke binge, so may as well knock out my critical issues paper. 

it's tempting to scream in the library. but to refrain, and remain in my cubicle confinement, i have the comfort of pandora.

seriously-- the iron & wine station on pandora is the best. and i know pandora stations well.

between the soft hum of iron & wine a little SPiCe is thrown in, like this seductively sophisticated little number.

i'm hooked. 

relief

relief comes with ease of breath. the end of a burden. the crumbling of yesterday's dreams for today's happiness. 

i feel relieved. this relief is a sign that something must change.
because i am not that girl anymore. i have grown in all directions inside myself. i have had experiences incomprehensible to anyone but me.

it is not a conclusion of something, but the soft fading of that chapter into ellipses of silence. perhaps it will be resumed. returned to. because there is good material there, material an author should not cast aside.
but it will wait. it must wait.

the next page i turn into will encompass bold words and the expression of myself. not through a keyboard, but with my eyes. and my hands. my heart and mouth and words.

i'm turning the page. the book is not closed, yet, but i am moving on into a new paragraph of life. a new sentence of happiness. and whether or not you can join me in time, i can't know, but i do know that i must go on. i must keep writing my story with laughter, earning my wisdom of age and innocence of experience. 

nostalgia has its place.
you have your place.
and i have mine.

all i want to feel is tomorrow for all its worth. 

weekend realizations:

i always overeat on sundays.

i am befuddled by my feelings. 

chips and salsa are my new addiction.

i love christmas. basically everything about it.

i am craving while you were sleeping and sleepless in seattle-- even though they are not christmas movies, they still feel like it to me... but i'll have to wait til break to watch them with my momma.

i also want to watch home alone 1 & 2 and miracle on 34th street with the fam... maybe a boy. 

the rockstar roll from tepanyaki is pure sushi-satisfaction. 

i have so very much to do for finals week.

i need to apply for graduation.

i love giving gifts so much more than receiving them.

my bestie is the greatest friend.

i love getting mail in my mailbox.  

checking my email and voicemail can be taxing and loathsome.  

i want it to snow! but only for the christmas season.

you can go a long way on only 13 hours of sleep in 3 days... but it's really unhealthy for you.

breakfast for dinner is one of the greatest inventions ever. 

my roommates are awesome.

the most comfy thing in the universe: microfleece sweatpants from costco. 

i love texting and i hate texting.

aaaaaaaand 

christmas is in 12 days!
who's excited? this girl. 

a little magic

once upon a time, there was a girl names nigel.

she turned 21 and all the land celebrated a 

great & glorious life.

{red robin}

the jesters entertained the throngs of people with telephone on crack {note: no actual crack was involved} and mafia by candlelight. 

a luxurious chocolate-strawberry cake filled them with happiness. 

the remnants of frosting magically transformed into a wilson-esque happy face! 

it is a well-known fact throughout the land that nigel's lady in waiting {myself} wistfully lusts after black-man lips. 

so, upon deciding the frosting face resembled a beautiful black man, {denzel, if you will} nigel's lady in waiting kissed him.

* * * * * POOF * * * * *

the frosting face turned into a white boy.

the end

-enjoy the accompanying illustration-

breakfast at tiffany's

okay. i have no business, whatsoever, looking at diamonds.

but. well. i was studying in the library... and you know how that can lead to sifting through pictures of engagement rings.

i've always known i'm not a 3-stone kinda girl-- past, present, future! 

really?
please excuse my gagging.

i want something unique, a statement about me, a significant piece of jewelry that will not grace every third girl in provo's left hand.

i admit-- once something that i love becomes a trend, 

my love for it can {but not always} decrease substantially.

 like this. oh, i loved this ring. i dreamt bit dreams of this ring.

and i still think it's pretty... but much too provo-popular for its own good.

but i trust you to not copy my new engagement-ring style because it's probably atypical. even unusual. 

but i love it.

i'm not a gold girl. but wow is this stunning! 

and how much would my future husband love me for picking this ring?! 

there's another version, which is exquisite, too. with a little bling bling if ya know what i'm sayin.

 my discovery of the "love knot" rings led to a more fervent search... and i unveiled these-- which i adore.

my dream is that on that blessed day when the future hubbs says, "hey lover, i wanna marry you-- let's pick out a ring as unique and perfect as you are" we'll go hunt through antique shops! because i would love a vintage ring as much as the man.

completely irrelevant to me today,
i know, 
but a girl can't help but think of these things in advance. 

and then... i discovered something of true beauty in theory.

you see, i have a spoon ring which i love. had it for years. i get compliments all the time.

then... i discovered a sparkly spoon ring! what could be better than a spoon ring with diamonds to signify your love and affection for eternity?

i mean, engaged/married couples spoon all the time. it just seems fitting.

{note-- i dislike the hearts but the overall idea theme is magnificent}

trapeze swinger

my friend ted introduced me to this song.

he said it was his life-changing song. which, is rather a bold statement.
but i believe in his sincerity, and so i have tried to see how it might have changed him into ted. 

do i have a life-changing song?

do you?

there are so many who have shaped who i am. but have any changed my very life?

i hate that i still don't understand the song, even though i listened to it on repeat while making frosting last night.
so i keep listening, hoping to glean an understanding beyond the beauty {and a rather choice explicative-- you have been warned}.

the dog days are over

i don't understand {most of} the lyrics. but it makes me want to clap my hands and scream with a smile.

my dog days are over. 
{click above to clap along with me}

it's a matter of deciding so. and i did.

it's time to move on into happiness-- let it hit me like a bullet in the head.

so i'll run fast, and leave all my love and my longing behind.

lyrics {florence + the machine}

happiness hit her like a train on a track
coming towards her stuck still no turning back
she hid around corners and she hid under beds
she killed it with kisses and from it she fled
with every bubble she sank with her drink
and washed it away down the kitchen sink


the dog days are over
the dog days are done
the horses are coming
so you better run


run fast for your mother, run fast for your father
run for your children, for your sisters and brothers
leave all your love and your longing behind
you cant carry it with you if you want to survive


the dog days are over
the dog days are done
can you hear the horses?
because here they come


and I never wanted anything from you
except everything you had and what was left after that too, oh
happiness hit her like a bullet in the head
struck from a great height by someone who should know better than that