don't you hate it when...

don't you hate it when your ex-bf texts you twice in a week and then you cry?

i bet i know what else you hate-- when you see your ex-bf happy with another girl in a picture (damn you facebook).

don't you hate it when you write a message on facebook to his family and you cry the whole time and forever after?

yeah. i hate that, too.

almost as much as i hate little red trucks and country music.

have i mentioned i'm boycotting matt damon movies (even though 2 of his are my favorites)? and love songs? and all things reminiscent of he-who-must-not-be-named?

because they make me angry. and then sad. and as well all know, an angry becky is a scary becky, and a sad becky is not a fun becky. 

but in all seriousness, i do hate nicholas cage and nickelback, or rather i love to make fun of them. heartless? not in this case. which is why these two gems are priceless:

problems solved

this would solve so many of my problems.

hope you enjoy laughing as much as i do! 

but seriously, i think we're onto something with this cake business...

a homemade christmas

 

handwritten recipe cards for co-workers

a wooden c for my cousin christy, painted black with a map of the seattle area 

my parents present-- all of our family names faux scrabbleboard 

a map matt with thailand newspaper, surrounding a picture of my brother and i riding an elephant in thailand

i made this for he-who-must-not-be-named prior to the official and final break-up.

uh....yeah. moving on.

i made this for my bestie and her husband. 

canvas board, purple stripes, and a 3D n.

"go". green glitter sides and a colorado map for ali. 

and this was my christmas present for myself.

my motto

 it has been one hell of a year, one i am glad to leave behind. 

plus, this photo just cracks me up. 

musica musica!

it has been a while since i have done a music recommendation. and if we're being honest, this little blog certainly needs some happiness.

i now present to you.... 

my favorite new music gems!
(all with links to the music videos-- your welcome.)

benjamin francis leftwich
there is something about the 3-name indie musicians. he is poetic and sweet and soft. good crying music, as ali said, but also fabulous music. the whole album is incredible.
favorite songs: atlas hands, see you soon, don't go slow, box of stones. 

bon iver (pronounced: bone eeever)
i've always loved him. his lyrics can be strange, and there's an occasional expletive, but his voice and the melodies are soothing.
favorite songs: blood bank, skinny love, halocene. 

boyce avenue
incredible covers.
favorite songs: we found love (rihanna cover), teenage dream (katy perry cover)

coldplay
new album mylo xyloto... epic.
favorite songs: paradise, princess of china,

james vincent mcmorrow
another 3-namer indie musician.
favorite song: if i had a boat


local natives
favorite songs: airplanes, cubism dream


mumford & sons
i would be remiss to not mention these fellows. their cd has seen me through good and bad days and is one i will always return to, to find myself and have hope for the future.
favorite songs: sigh no more, after the storm, white blank page


the lower lights
they have a christmas album (come, let us adore him) and an lds hymn album (a hymn revival) that are simply stunning. folksy and fun.

the acorn
favorite song: almanac


the middle east
favorite song: blood

now... don't hate me on this next one but....

the twilight: breaking dawn album.
*disclaimer: i have yet to see the new movie, and in fact a favorite pastime of mine is to rent twilight (numero uno) simply to laugh. buuut i cannot deny there is good music there, as with the other twilight albums.
favorite songs: christina perry- a thousand years, cider sky- northern lights



and of course, ingrid's newest: ghost and have yourself a merry little christmas. 

26 days til her new album release!

magic

dr. marcia fieldstone: people who truly loved once are far more likely to love again. sam, do you think there's someone out there you could love as much as your wife? 

sam baldwin:  well, dr. marcia fieldstone, that's hard to imagine. 

dr. marcia fieldstone:  what are you going to do? 

sam baldwin: well, I'm gonna get out of bed every morning... breathe in and out all day long. then, after a while I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breathe in and out... and, then after a while, I won't have to think about how I had it great and perfect for a while. 

dr. marcia fieldstone:  tell me, what was so special about your wife? 

sam baldwin: well, how long is your program? well, it was a million tiny little things that, when you added them all up, they meant we were supposed to be together... and i knew it. i knew it the very first time I touched her. it was like coming home... only to no home i'd ever known...iI was just taking her hand to help her out of a car and I knew. it was like... magic. 

meg ryan and tom hanks are silver-screen soulmates in my opinion.  while joe vs. the volcano was questionable, sleepless in seattle and you've got mail are among my favorites. 

sam baldwin took 15 months before he began dating again. since i always wanted a man like tom hanks, i think it's perfectly alright to take a couple months to breathe in and out, to forget how undeniably happy i was, and to process the carnage from the trainwreck-breakup that derailed two months before the final impact.   

the future with ny152 was a mystery when kathleen kelly split ways with frank and his typewriter. but. she had "the dream of someone else". i do have that dream, that someone will love me and not hurt me, that magic and happiness will abound, and that the mutual romantic and insatiable love will overpower everything i felt... and still feel, for he-who-must-not-be-named...

i have the dream of someone else, but i am taking time for myself. by myself.

therefore, man fast is now in effect until february 15th. 

foaming at the mouth?

today i was informed a cowboy was "foaming at the mouth" over me. must be the orange apron or something.

fortunately, i have sworn off cowboys from now until eternity.

and that is all i have to say.

heart

i held his heart so close to mine it helped beat my own. little by little, grains of his heart slipped through the cracks of my cupped hands until he was no longer mine. my heart feels hollow and foreign on its own.

it’s hard to know exactly where the fault lines were, when things began to end.  in retrospect, i can see – that we were different from when we first met, when we first fell into each others eyes. i cringe as the dominoes tumble with the accumulation of red flags and i recall the rise of anxiety and unease in my stomach.  but in this haze of heartbreak i do not doubt that i loved him with everything i had,and that he loved me. we were perfect in the imperfect way that embodied us. we were spontaneous and giddy and happy-- he would joke and i would laugh, he would twirl me in the kitchen and i would share my secrets. we were happy. so very happy together. using the past-tense is troublesome, as is this faded happiness-- because if love and happiness are not enough, then what in this world will suffice?

i have begun to write the ending of our story. because it is over. i am slowly processing it is over. i will type and cry for what could have been, and stow our failed love story in "the secret files" on my computer. 

that will be the finale to shipping hunter out of my life, because the rest of our future and memories are in a clear container in the recesses of my closet.

i believe that i will never stop loving him. but. i have hope that one day, my love for someone else will consume my heart and this pain and torture will be a distant memory. 

different oceans

the re-occurring comment of "there are other fish in the sea" is the most unhelpful phrase in the world.

because i love one fish. and he loves me.
        or rather, he still does but it is slowly sinking into the deep abyss of yesterday. 

whichever the case, we are swimming in different oceans. our lives will not intersect again and i am surrounded and suffocated by schools of grey minnows. nothing alters the current of my life, no flash of color catches my eye. i am floating in a sea full of face-less minnows and all i can imagine, all i want to swim toward, is my fish. the fish i chose. the fish who broke my heart and left me in this ocean to flounder alone.

it is too soon.

i was asked out yesterday. twice, in fact.
and it was flattering and sweet but...

it is far too soon.

octo-weddings

sometimes i look at my life and think: how in the hell did i end up here?

in the next month, 8 of my friends will be wed. eight! {which, yay for them... but really? this is ridiculous}
and according to my calculations, by the end of the year i will have been to over 16 weddings, not including the random invitations from a myriad of other friends. holy paloozah. and let's not get into the baby business because that is off the hizzle.

i am burned out by wedding cake fondant, rhinestones, and blissful happiness.

but... what is most probable is that i am jealous-- not even of the sparkling diamonds but of the commitment-- to love and be loved forever. 

"i just need to know it's possible that two people can stay happy together forever"

- juno

ever since i was a little girl, i imagined bow ties and lace, a simple and chic wedding, with plenty of twinkle lights. men probably wonder why it is that we plan-- the cake and the dress, the colors and whether there will be eclairs or fruit. the truth is, we do it because it is the only thing we can do. we cannot plan on who we will marry, how tall or sweet or mature he will be. so we rely on our ken dolls and chick flicks to spur our imaginary dream wedding.

and as the years pass by and you find yourself in love, one day your dream wedding expectations melt away and all that you need is your man. your best friend. the one who will love you forever, through thick and thin. 

when that day comes i like to believe i would be perfectly content with a quiet afternoon temple ceremony, and a cupcake or two to celebrate with my new hubby.

right now, i can hardly handle the word "matrimony" let alone more baby's breath or (gag) another couple being all couple-esque and in love...especially at church. vomit.

 i probably need an attitude adjustment... yeah. that sounds about right. haha. one things for sure-- there ain't no way i can afford 8 wedding gifts around christmas.

be okay

"i just want to be okay be okay be okay, i just want to be okay today"

you're right ingrid, i want to be okay. today. not in a decade when this heart heals, and not next week when i stop crying about saying goodbye to hunter, but right now.

 i expected myself to be. okay, that is. because i sure as hell am one tough cookie-- i am a strong independent woman, hear me roar. right...?  well, deluding yourself into believing you're okay after a traumatic blow to the heart typically backfires.

i broke. it was probably pathetic to watch me mope over pictures and his shirt, and blubber about the unknown of the future and that nothing made sense, but the cookie crumbled down to the fact that i was not okay.

so i took a "mental health day"-- my mom's code word for playing hookie. i let my body rest and slept off some of the sadness. admitting to yourself that you are not okay is a hard pill to swallow, as is asking for help and prayers. 

but since i acknowledged that i am not okay, i feel that one day i will be. time will help this heart of mine. 

all i can say is this is hard. i always pitied the girls who were train-wrecks post break-up. now the tables have turned and i am that girl, that fragile wrecked girl who has to concentrate on not crying at work. i wish i could stop and never cry again about missing hunter. i wish i could stop wondering where things went wrong. i wish i could fast-forward my life 6 months from now to skip this pain. i wish so many things were different... but wishing is no good without a magic lamp and i seem to have misplaced mine for the time being. drat.



 i sincerely apologize for this blog being so damn depressing. i am trying to recover. i am trying so hard to find my happy optimistic self again. she is in there, i know it, i just have to clear the rubble and debris and the sun will come out again. 

we were human

i wrote our story. it was my surprise for him, before he left on his mission. it was approximately 40 pages of adventures and all of our firsts-- when we first saw each other, the first time our fingers intertwined, the magic of our first kiss and every kiss after. we really were crazy about each other... and it didn't end when he left.  if anything, it grew. that love for who he was and is and could be. for who we were, together. for how he made me a better person. 

our letters...3 binders... we had so much hope, so much certainty of our future. since he has been home he is written in my journal and this blog and captured by my camera. there is more i could add to the documentary of our story, but i can't bring myself to write the ending. 

i never thought there would be an ending. 

i always thought we would have more time. 

i never did write about our goodbye two years ago. my mind blocked it and now i can't quite remember what we said, only that we made promises and hugged and kissed and cried before kissing at the car. quite similar to our final goodbye, just yesterday. 

i cannot fathom the sacred moments and our words of yesterday. his sweetness and the pain in our voices, the break in my soul. to think that yesterday was goodbye, that i will not see him again, seems like the most ridiculous thing imaginable. ludicrous. absurd. nearly laughable. i get hit with little moments of realization that this is the end-- that i will not be a part of his family, that we will not have children, and that i will not wear that lace wedding dress for him... when i think about not being with him for the rest of my life my heart literally hurts and my stomach churns. 

i may be filled to the brim with sadness but not one ounce of regret or anger. overwhelmingly, i feel peace. the tears stopped on their own accord and my box of his things is nearly packed. 

all i can feel is that something that feels so irrevocably right should not be this hard. 

i do not want to listen to angry break-up music because i am not angry. people say that you're better off without that other person but... the truth is, i'm not. he made me a better person. he was more than anything i could have imagined in a man. and while we may have unintentionally hurt one another, it wasn't because we didn't love each other. it was because we were human. 

closure

i want to preserve this memory. my last memory. of huntman.

because even though it was the hardest and most excruciating thing i've ever done, it was one last hour of happiness together. i memorized the feel of his hands in mine and the flecks of gold in his eyes. i savored his strong arms around me and the security of home. i committed to memory his lips-- the dusting of freckles, the way they move as he spoke, and the rush i feel when they meet mine. his collarbone and fingers and whiskers. our matching orange shirts and the way my legs draped over his lap.

our playful banter and sporadic jokes made us laugh, as well as the old-time christmas music in a jack-in-the-box in pocatello, idaho.

the fighting and goodbye made us cry.

but we ended on good terms. and i see now, now i finally see, that we both tried. we both gave it our all. the timing was off. it's as simple as that. horrendously and tragically off. we hugged and kissed goodbye, and expressed how much we loved each other, and all that we had learned in these three and a half years. we said "take care" and i waved beside my car as he climbed into his truck.

and that was goodbye.

i do not want to speak ill of him. it is too easy to condescend to blame, to meanness. this is a lesson i have sorely learned. i will always love him and i do not want to desecrate our memories into ugly words. he is a part of me because of all i have learned from him, all we have shared. he taught me how to love. he taught me how to be loved. and while this is not the ideal ending we had hoped and planned for, we will both find our happily ever afters. down the road. with each other or with someone else entirely.

now comes the hard part. i have to pack him away into a box-- the reminders, his notes, our letters and pictures. closure. it's what we gave each other, as a last parting gift. now... now i have to remember to breathe and to move on with my life.

a small list

i've got the apartment to myself, which is rather strange. i miss all the noises.

on the plus side: i get to walk around in my underwear. truly, one of my favorite things.

i thought about doing a gratitude post: "101 things i'm grateful for", or something to that effect. i could easily fill the numbers with modern-day conveniences like indoor plumbing, itunes, this little blog of mine, and my beautiful mcsteamy {car}. i could also come up with well over 100 food items i'm grateful for-- indian food {peshawari naan, coconut kurma, and tikimasala, oh my!}, mangoes and sticky rice, ganache, and strawberry-mint milkshakes. and let's not forget my downfall: french fries.

but this year, the things i am most grateful for are hard to adequately express. it is my friends and my family-- how they have stood by me. how much they have sacrificed for me and how they have shown their love. it is that i have survived this month. that i am still breathing, even when i don't know how. it is God, the gospel of Jesus Christ, and the peace that passes all understanding i find in the scriptures. it is cute little old men. it is my co-workers who have wrapped around me, becoming another family. it is realizing how much i am worth.

this year, i am thankful for much more than technology and food-- i am grateful for the people in my life that make each day worth living. i am grateful for love and pain and music. i am grateful that hearts can heal. i am grateful for long hot showers that bring me back to my core. most of all i am grateful for god and his tender mercies. everything i have been blessed with, every day of my life, and everything i hope for, comes from god.

when i pray i create my little list of what i am thankful for, for the good of that day. it's my nightly ritual. but if i was to truly thanked god for everything, well, i would never get off my knees. but i want to start today, to be more grateful.

when i was little and asked to say the family prayer, i would fold my soft dimpled hands and quietly bless the cupboards that held our food, and the vcr {remember those?}, and all of my stuffed animals. i smile now, thinking of the simplicity of children and how they are sure not to forget to share their love, to share their gratitude. i want to be that little girl again-- because i am grateful. for everything. cupboards and vcr's included. 

it is my hope that i can be a more gracious person. that i can recognize the blessings of my life, big or small.  meg said, "most things, given enough time, enough space, enough heaven-sent perspective reveal themselves as blessings."  i am thankful for the good and the bad. but mostly, i am grateful to be me and for this life i have been given.

a little therapy

sometimes, when i don't want to deal with life, i run away {to home} and bake with my momma.

it was fancy-pants baking in the kitchen after midnight. since we love ganache, probably more than is humanly possible, we both filled the cupcakes and topped them with ganache. after doing so we put some pretty cream cheese frosting and a fresh raspberry on top! man alive were they delish.

my momma made me magic toast for breakfast which turned out to be magical indeed. i give credit to the toast for our serendipitous stop at old navy {which followed our adventures at the wood connection, pei wei, and home depot-- it was a busy afternoon}.  we happened upon a spectacular sale that only lasted 5 hours-- 75% off all outerwear. i was busy loading my arms with striped shirts for $8, so busy in fact that i failed to read the giant neon signs around me. but a cute associate told me what the big hub-bub was all about and suggested i try on a jacket or two...which i certainly did. and wouldn't ya know it, they were darling, and the lining in my old black pea coat has all but been ripped to shreds {cause i'm so strong...?} and so it was quite the opportune time to find a beautiful new coat. since the sale was mind-blowingly awesome my momma {and santa} bought me two. to sum it all up, i got a $60 double-breasted wool coat for $14, and a $90 pretty pretty blue-and-black plaid coat for $22. jackpot!

it's amazing what a little retail therapy will do. as well as cupcakes, pei wei chinese food, a happy fortune, sugar cookies, and time with my parents and bestie. 

my heart feels so much lighter. 

i love music-- it is my other therapy {ya know, besides buying 2 coats at old navy}. speaking of music, in case you have not been informed, ingrid michaelson {my favorite musician in the entire universe} has a new cd coming out january 24th! not to worry, i already pre-ordered it and got her new song "ghost"... oh, it is so beautiful. watch the music video. you'll fall in love.

snowfall kind of love

"i want a snowfall kind of love
the kind of love that quiets the world
i want a snowfall kind of love
'cause i'm a snowfall kind of girl


i want a snowfall kind of love
that brings people to their window
won't you bury me in your quiet love...
and we will blow away"
-ingrid-

i'm a snowfall kind of girl-- a romantic.
i saw snowfall love this week.

on thursday my papa and i went to 'rolled-up crepes'-- this darling darling crepery cafe with a giant owl out front {in orem, off state street}. over our scrumptious feast we met the owners-- a newly wed couple that are potentially the cutest people on the planet. he sat at a small table with his laptop, plunking away on the keyboard, as his wife snuggled next to him, draping her arm around his shoulders and laughing.  their love was quiet and endearing, a soft snowfall complimenting the quaint atmosphere.

on friday i made sugar cookies with my bestie and her sister's little family. while piping green frosting onto golden trees, i looked up to catch the husband, wife, little boy, and baby in the oven dancing and smiling in the kitchen, huddled together. it stopped my heart with its beauty-- it was not staged, it was perfect life in the making, perfect and quiet love.

i want that love-- that quiet love that makes others smile, that makes me feel light as a snowflake with happiness. i want to be buried in a snowfall kind of love.

old school

this is probably my most favorite picture. ever.

thought i'd share. that's me in the lacey peach frock with the little mermaid bowl, and my doting older siblings humoring me.

also, cheeeeck out those bangs!

 i was one hot five year old-- i had like 6 boyfriends, according to my journal.

gift secrets

i am awful with secrets. scratch that-- i am awesome with secrets.  i am awful with gift secrets.

i'm one of those people that waits with baited breath as you open my present.  once i got past the stage of trying to eat wrapping paper i looked forward to giving gifts, mostly for the other person's reaction. this christmas season, as i'm being all crafty with presents, i feel as if i might implode with gift secrets.  i can hardly contain my excitement as i want SO badly to tell the future gift-receiver what i am working on! because, let's face it, all the projects are going to be so darn cute in the end {thanks pinterest for all the ideas}.

i already cracked and told my bestie what her gift would be. as well as my parents-- they're both super excited.

and last night on the phone, even though his birthday present is literally in the mail, i couldn't stop myself from telling huntman what i made him. {p.s. we're talking again. that's the only update for the blog}

but i am determined {maybe??} to keep the rest of my christmas presents top secret. especially because the one i am very most excited about, and which will take the most time, is doubling as a christmas & birthday present for certain members of my family. wha ha ha!

enough of this blogging. i have to go be crafty and crap.

merry cazookie

now this is what i call dinner!

it's probably good for me to eat a cazookie {warm gooey choco chip cookie + heaping scoop of vanilla bean icecream from 'the chocolate'} for dinner because, well, let's just say my diet has been lacking lately. 

not to worry, i was super healthy afterwards and had potatoes and chicken, in the form of wendy's french fries and crispy chicken. way to get that protein in there, becky.

and now i shall resume my many homemade christmas projects which are keeping me semi-busy and sane. 

also, my bestie convinced me {with very little effort} to listen to christmas music. i'm typically not one to listen to christmas music pre-thanksgiving buuut christmas music is merry and happy, and following the divine cazookie it just seemed fitting for little david archulette to fill the air with 'hallelujahs'. 

amen.

i am lot's wife

not that i'm a big salty pillar, but i'm lot's wife.

after working overnight i discovered with bleary eyes a talk my home teacher (who is awesome) left for me.
maybe because it was 6 in the morning and i was just crawling into bed or maybe because he was inspired... whichever the case i cried about being lot's wife. because i likened myself like good ol nephi counsels and whoa nelly, it wasn't good.

"in short, her attachment to the past outweighed her confidence in the future... i plead with you not to dwell on days now gone nor to yearn vainly for yesterdays, however good those yesterdays may have been.  the past is to be learned from but not lived in... and when we have learned what we need to learn and have brought with us the best that we have experienced, then we look ahead and remember that faith is always pointed toward the future. faith always has to do with blessings and truths and events that will yet be efficacious in our lives. so a more theological way to talk about lot's wife is to say that she did not have faith.  she doubted the lord's ability to give her something better than sheh already ha.  apparently, she thought that nothing that lay ahead could possibly be as good as what she was leaving behind... faith is for the future.  faith builds on the past but never longs to stay there.  faith trusts that god has great things in store for each of us and that christ truly is the "high priest of good things to come".  - elder holland, "the best is yet to be"

it is easy to doubt. it is easy to fear. faith is hard, but i have faith in love and i have faith that at the end of the day everything will turn out as it is suppose to.

ingrid

i feel numb, mostly.

when i do have feeling it's in the form of ingrid lyrics.

i still feel utterly perplexed and overwhelmed. but each day i get a little bit stronger.

So life moves slowly when you're waiting for it to boil
Feel like I watch from 6 feet under the soil
Still want to hold you and kiss behind your ears
But i re count the countless tears that i lost for you

you can't be the one to kill the pain anymore.

you let me in but then you slam my fingers in the door.

i've had enough but i keep asking you to give me more.

when i say that there's no way.

I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today
I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today
.....
Open me up and you will see
I'm a gallery of broken hearts
I'm beyond repair, let me be
And give me back my broken parts

You could make my head swerve

Used to know my every curve

And now we meet on a street,

And I am blind.  I can not find the heart I gave to you.

Sometimes what we think we really want we don't

Sometimes what we think we want we really don't

Sometimes what we think we love we don't

I want to change the world

Instead I sleep
I want to believe in more than you and me

But all that I know is I'm breathing
All I can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing now

I am in love with a boy

Manufactured to destroy

So I shall unravel my love

Like an old red woolen glove

I still feel you on the right side of the bed
And I still feel you in the blankets pulled over my head
But I'm gonna wash away, oh I'm gonna wash away everything til you come home to me

Maybe in the future, you're gonna come back, you're gonna come back
In the future, you're gonna come back, you're gonna come back

Oh what a way that we died

Plenty of tears were supplied

My eyes are wrung out and dry as a bone

And I taste much better alone

We can't hold us anymore, no we've got to fold
Down to the floor, yes I know it's cold but baby our hearts have gone


But how do I know if I'll make it through?
How do I know? Where's the proof in you?

Baby, you've got the sort of laugh that waters me

And makes me grow tall and strong and proud and flattens me

I find you stunning, but you are running me down

My love's too big for you my love

My love's too big for you my love

And if I was stronger then I would tell you no

And if I was stronger then I will leave this show

And if I was stronger then I would up and go

But here I am and here we go again

Baby, you've got the sort of eyes that tell me tales

That your sort of mouth just will not say, 

the truth impales

That you don't need me, but you won't leave me

highlights

highlights of the week:

the district lp dude gave me an award for being awesome.

my boss' boss' boss shook my hand and gave me another award for being awesome.

this girl was awarded 'associate of the month'-- i got a cool gold pin and plaque and everyone clapped and gave me high-fives, for being awesome.

2 hours of overtime + extreme productivity.

i started on christmas presents. crafty me. thanks, hobby lobby.

my home teacher gave me pumpkin chocolate-chip cookies and a brilliant acoustic cd (because he's from england so it's "brilliant"-- imagine the accent with me)

yellow curry. om nom nom.

my bestie, being my bestie.

new bra-- vs' dream angels push-up is literal boob heaven.

i lit a floating lantern!

knowing how loved you are, through hugs and reassurances and just being held.

my skin is clearing up nicely-- thanks to the darling and talented dermatologist p.a. carrie!

my brother came and visited me, thrice.

grey's and psych and and new girl. yessss.

my parents bought me groceries. hallelujah, i was out of food.

i went to the temple with ali.

pinterest quotes.

watching ryan gosling (the fish) swim through the eiffle tower.

i submitted my application to the U!

i did laundry... but i still have to put it away. blast.

had a cupcake for breakfast.

created a beautiful "man-hater's club" playlist. oh, kate nash and lily allen... i really love the spunk and accents.

low-points of the week:

missing huntman so much i hurt.

eating starbursts for dinner.

crying at work over non-work issues.

this week has felt like an eternity.  sometimes the hardest part of the day is gathering the courage to turn off the hot water in the shower. because, hiding behind the shower curtain i don't feel numb, i don't feel vulnerable. i feel warm and secure, embraced by scalding water and the orange scent of my shampoo.

so i'm trying to be positive. the highlights outnumber the low-points but they don't entirely outweigh them. yet.

overwhelmed

i feel overwhelmed. 

overwhelmed by the love and support and hugs i have received from my families-- my home depot family, my ward family, my siblings, my parents, and my wonderful friends.  i have never felt so protected and cherished by so many people.  knowing that someone cares buoys you out of the darkest sadness and gives you hope that you'll be okay and that you deserve more. 

i also feel overwhelmed by advice. by others' opinions. 

i welcome the advice but it is hard to know everyone's opinion contradicts the magical future i envisioned, repudiates everything my heart feels.  

i don't know what i'll find at the end of 3 weeks without huntman.  i do know that i stood up for myself, even though it was the hardest thing i've ever done-- to say "no". 

i miss him. 

i miss us.

i'm not ready to be done loving him. i didn't know our last kiss could be our last kiss. as we stood in front of security at the airport i grabbed his espresso leather jacket round the collar and kissed his soft lips firmly, with a slight grin, believing i would see him in two weeks time. 

my coping strategy: stay busy. work-- get some overtime. work up an appetite so i eat more than starbursts for dinner. take naps. read a book. start on homemade christmas presents (cause goodness knows i have no money). listen to a ridiculous amount of ingrid, adele, kate nash, sara bareilles, and any other angry/sad love songs. 

...

the beatles had it wrong. you need a whole lot more than love.

i really wish love was enough. 

"and if i was stronger then i would tell you no, and if i was stronger then i would leave this show. and if i was stronger then i would up and go, but here i am and here we go again" -ingrid

ryan gosling

we really love ryan gosling around here.
if you're wondering why ryan gosling should be a thing to adore, check out this gem.

we decided ryan should be our 5th roommate, because with abs like that who wouldn't want him as a roommate? plus i'm sure he would do the dishes.  but seeing as this was not a feasible possibility {due to the honor code, of course} we bought a darling blue beta fish and deemed him worthy to bear the name of ryan gosling.  so despite ryan gosling being a life ruiner {see link above} we now have our very own ryan gosling.

 we like to call him :ryaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan", "ry guy", "regee", and "gossie". 

he likes to swim in and out of the eiffle tower {which matches our travel theme splendidly} or sleep underneath the barnacle encrusted architecture.  he's pretty much perfect.

it's not you, it's me

my dearest blog,

i'm sorry for not calling or texting or, well, writing. it's not you, it's me. i've been seeing someone else... microsoft word. we've been spending large chunks of time together as of late and he's been great, helping me through some stressful times.  i know this may come as a shock since we have been through so much together (i.e. the past 2 years) but i've had to reevaluate my priorities with my grad school application deadline (to the U) chugging closer.  

i miss you. terribly so.

one day soon our love will be rekindled but but for now i need some space. 

sincerely,

beck beck 

mapless wilderness of love

ali shared this with me, and i rather love it:


"we are born to love as we are born to die, and between the heartbeats of those two great mysteries lies all the tangled undergrowth of our tiny lives. there is nowhere to go but through. and so we walk on, lost, and lost again, in the mapless wilderness of love."


 - time farrington, the monk downstairs

into you like a train

grey's anatomy is great therapy. sometimes you have to watch the train episode. sometimes you have to watch the "estrogen, george... penises izzie" episode, with the "seriously" episode for good measure. and may i point out that the season 2 finale is better than any sit-down with a shrink? because it is.

today, i'm watching the train episode.

meredith's little dialogues are perfectly poignant, and in the right moment of personal angst exactly what you need to hear.  so bear with me, here, as i quote again dr. grey. i don't have money to talk to a real doctor, so grey and yang and mcdreamy are my substitutes.


"whoever said 'what you don't know can't hurt you' was a complete and total moron. because for most people I know, not knowing is the worst feeling in the world....as human beings sometimes it's better to stay in the dark. because in the dark there may be fear, but there is also hope." 

men are from mars...

the break lasted 25 hours. approximately.

i do believe men speak a foreign language. sometimes it's chinese and othertimes it's gutteral groans.  women, of course, make perfect sense but to men our words probably come across as arabic or a strongly-accented scottish broad. i suppose the old adage is true: men are from mars and women are from venus.  god must get a kick out of trying to see couples work things out. looking back it is comical to see what fights have been about and the colossal misunderstandings, but in the moment before you know things will work themselves out there has never been anything so serious. not even einstein's theory of relativism. 

relationships are work-- hard work-- to make sure both parties are happy and fulfilled. vulnerability and communication do not come naturally, and every couple has their issues. i don't know how my life will turn out or exactly what the future holds. i do know that i want to give right now my all, so i know i did everything i could.

a break

"men. you can't live with them, and you can't kill them"

the 5 stages of grief have become somewhat discombobulated and quite out of sequence for me. they all have shown their face, but i cannot accept. yet. i keep reverting back. to denial. bargaining. anger made an appearance last night and it was not a pretty sight. but when the rage subsides the sadness sets in, and i feel utterly and helplessly trapped.

i admit, this is pretty personal stuff. but if there's anything i have learned it is that writing is my salve and sanity. the only way i will get through this and eventually accept is to write. and with all of 8 people reading this blog, i'm not too concerned.

my brother was doing laundry, upstairs, far removed from me. and he just knew-- we've always had this connection. my mom says we are twins born 8 years apart. his heart felt suddenly heavy as he folded his clothes. he knew. it was the saddest moment of my life as he found me on the floor at the bottom of the stairs and held me as i struggled to catch my breath.

my rationality came in spurts-- i needed water so i wouldn't dehydrate. i needed to text my boss to take a personal day. i needed to get back to my own twin bed in provo to sleep. but mostly, i just needed water so i wouldn't dehydrate, like christina. grey's anatomy moments always surface.

and so, i feel very much like season 2 meredith. numb. sick to my stomach, although without the catalyst of tequila. i blame the large percentage of water in my body for the reoccurring tears.  huntman is my mcdreamy but we're taking an indefinite break.

i know i will get through this. that things might work out, with time. i know i am strong although i feel incredibly breakable. i know i deserve the best. i know i am loved by so many wonderful people. i know it will all work out according to the Lord's will. i know all these things in my head but my heart cannot believe them, because i am vacillating between the stages of grief. i just need time.

"pain, you just have to ride it out, hope it goes away on its own, hope the wound that caused it heals. there are no solutions, no easy answers, you just breath deep and wait for it to subside. most of the time pain can be managed but sometimes the pain gets you where you least expect it. hits way below the belt and doesn't let up. pain, you just have to fight through, because the truth is you can't outrun it and life always makes more...at the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate. 

- meredith grey -

a bakers dozen

being a clique can be rapturously wonderful sometimes.

while waiting for my avacado blt bagel and sipping on blackberry lemonade in einsteins, i took a gander at my habitat. the september afternoon sun filtered through the changing leaves on center street, to shallowly hit the auburn wood floors, warming the wood grain. the fall colors from the window paint caught my eye and lead me to peer with interest at the woman in the corner, crouched over her bagel and shmear with a book. to my right sat two gentlemen,very clearly on lunch from business. they knew one another but did not speak or even sit at the same table. instead, their rapt attention was in perusing their respective laptops and plinking out memos. they both stood at the same time, straightened their ties, walked out the door, and finally exchanged a friendly word in the open air. then without a moments hesitation they each turned on their heel and briskly strode in opposite directions to board into their luxurious SUVs. and last but not least, in the opposite corner from the woman sat a young grandpa with a soft bristled mustache and kind eyes, splaying the day's headlines before him at arms length, as if observing a troubled friend with his coffee as protection.

and so. i followed suite. this habitat was moving and breathing and it would be rather rude for me not to join in. i removed a book from my purse and alternated between bagel and book, bagel and book. my back leaned into the comforting high-back wood chair. and i smiled inside at the picturesqueness of  reading a fresh book with a bagel in einsteins.

better

"i don't think better exists."

that's what i said. because, how can it possibly?

with the best thing next to you, terror creeps in-- terror that the best will escape from your grasp. it paralyzes your breathing while simultaneously fortifying walls around your heart. but if you are to have any hope of making things work, and work to make them great, you have to be vulnerable.

it's a catch 22. 

i wish there was a "money back guarantee" of sorts with relationships. 

doesn't work out?? here's your heart and time back! 

just keep your receipt. 

alas. love does not have any guarantees. however, i truly believe that "the lord compensates the faithful for every loss".  and so. if something better exists {which defies all my imagination and logic and sensation} it will come and find me. 

i still stand behind my statement that "i don't think better exists".

so i am being vulnerable. i am being ignorant to dastardly possibilities and believing that what i hold will not disappear. i am believing that the best is not only yet to be, but at my side and in my arms.

*i am counting down the days to general conference and a weekend of beautifully wonderful fantastic food, family, and friends.

lesson learned: zinging is not in the creed of sassiness

you've got mail is the most universally quotable movie.  

without further ado, i rely upon kathleen kelly to poetically portray my angst-- angst because i zinged someone. that feeling washed over me-- the same shame that swells each time emma snub ms. bates, the same horror that belays my memory when i remember an undeserved and unkind word from my lips-- immediate remorse and a need to reel back words and time.

last night "when confronted with a horrible, insensitive person, I knew exactly what I wanted to say and I said it".


and it was small. one line. really, it could have been a joke but my tone said otherwise and i whirled around to signify the end of our communication.  i told my momma-- about what i did. she didn't think it was so bad to call him on his behavior but i still feel... regret.

because "i was cruel and I'm {rarely ever} cruel. though I can hardly believe what I said mattered to this man...but what if it did? no matter what he's done to me there is no excuse for my behavior."

that is the clincher.  i learned there is a line to my sassiness-- i will not be a doormat to be walked over and i will not hestitate to be assertive in calling others out on their irrational and/or rude behavior, but, i do not ever ever want to intentionally hurt someone. to have malicious intent to undercut their confidence even if they did it to me first.  any momentary satisfaction gleaned from seeing his arrogance falter vanished in the blink of an eye. my heart hurt-- and still does-- an ache that can only be righted with an apology. 

but life is beautiful-- you can repair damages and "tweak" yourself into what you want to be.  there is a whole lot of tweaking to be done over in this department, as evidenced by the 5 second catastrophe of last night. 

oy vei. 

i wish i could learn without making so. many. mistakes.

every day.

maybe one day i'll get better at this whole thing, and bite my tongue the next time i want to zing someone.

spice up your life

at the moment my days feel so... so.... routine. boring? maybe. maybe not.  i do enjoy my september days and the people that fill them, but it's practically like clock work-- monday, thursday, wednesday, friday, tuesday... who knows what day it is? they all blend together like episodes of saved by the bell.

a smidgen of breakfast then off to work. a break for tacos or a sandwich before resuming more constructive creativity. drive home and let my body fold into the couch before studying {gre}. talk to huntman for too short a time, then make a mess in the kitchen and perhaps read more, alternated with a little blog stalking for good measure. then, then sigh and sink my clean-face into soft sheets before drifting into dreams. all to begin the cycle again in a few hours time.
i suppose saturday is my form of sanity, with errands and nail-painting, with sundays recharging my soul as they keep me scrambling in a sabbath-observance sort-of-way.

come monday morning, my alarm sounds and i stretch into another week that passes without adventure.

i want some adventure to come along. but the thing about adventure is, you usually have to go find it or make your own. where has the time gone to build forts and slip into disney songs in the kitchen? it is too simple to become boring, to fall into pace with monotonous schedules and loose your desire to explore life.  however, i refuse to become a victim of dullness. when you succumb to being a flat dimension of yourself you loose the childish curiosity and innocence of wonder, the invincibility to dare and dream.

which thought i repudiate.

i want to do something unexpected, out of the blue, and perhaps crazy.  i haven't the foggiest idea what exactly, but it'll come. with a little time i will break out of my schedule into adventure.

happiness is what makes you pretty

"i think happiness is what makes you pretty. period. happy people are beautiful. they become like a mirror and they reflect that happiness.
- drew barrymore

i love waking up in happiness, feeling beautiful and full despite askew hair and smudged mascara from the pervious day.  it is oh, so true-- happiness makes you beautiful. or rather, it makes you feel beautiful. and goodness knows that when you feel beautiful the world is conquerable and happiness attainable. 

for so long i felt unpretty, largely due to the sadness which was cankering my heart. and then, one glorious morning last may as i snuggled into my yellow sheets in a small white room i could call my own, with late-blossoming trees swaying in greeting beyond my window, i became alive again. i breathed for the first time in months, and it was in that moment i chose to stake my claim on happiness. 

every day since i have had to fight for that happiness, something my {blog} friend meg reminded me of. i have crossed over hills of emotion alone and treked mountains with my hand held.  in all of my journeys, away and back to happiness, i have learned this: only you can choose happiness. no one can make you happy, and dependence upon someone to fill internal voids or toss your baggage into the tumultuous waves is dangerous for both parties.  it is up to you to spackle, sand, and paint the daily holes.  only you can unpack and launder the insecurities strapped tightly into the suitcase you clutch. 

it is a process-- and a lengthy one at that, one which i may always be knee-deep in.  but it is possible to move beyond sadness, to be enveloped in the security of your own happiness. and that is what makes you beautiful-- growing into yourself with as much joy as you can muster.  that is why i feel beautiful in a way i did not, or could not, a few years ago-- because i mustered and fought and triumphed.  boys and cupcakes and manicures can offer the painting supplies and help you pick the lock on your heart, but the brushstrokes and unfolding of yourself can only come through you. 

zucchini craze

"vegetables are a must on a diet. i suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie"

- jim davis

my mom use to make magical vanishing zucchini bread. the 4 steaming loaves would evaporate into thin air... or more likely, our stomachs. one wide slice would disappear, then another, and another until all that remained were crumbs. and of course, those were devoured too.

this is all to say i have always had a fondness for zucchini, really from before i can remember. my love is quite credible because zucchini may be the most versatile vegetable. pasta, stir-fries, rice bowls, various entrees, or even fried...

currently i am obsessed with zucchini in it's best form-- dessert.  it all started a few weeks ago when i made zucchini cobbler. you may scoff but have you ever had zucchini cobbler? don't be so quick to say no-- you just might have, only you thought it was apple. it is almost eerie how similar it tastes to apple cobbler but after you get over the initial weirdness your tastebuds are high-jacked and you forget you're eating vegetables. mmmm.

when co-workers brought in grandiose zucchinis from their gardens this week, what was a girl to do but take them home?

i made the tried-and-true zucchini bread recipe from my momma, which was as wonderful as my childhood memories.  after the loaves and muffins vanished (magic, i tell you), i had extra zucchini.... darn. clearly i had to keep going-- so i made zucchini chocolate cake.  diiiiivine, and probably the moist-est (is that a word?) chocolate cake ever. that also evaporated when i took it into work-- the men were nearly begging for the recipe for their wives to make. hah!

next up is zucchini cupcakes with a caramel brown sugar frosting. oh, i can hardly wait!

a bouquet of newly sharpened pencils

"don't you love new york in the fall? it makes me want to buy school supplies. i would buy you a bouquet of newly sharpened pencils if i knew your name and address. on the other hand, this not knowing has its charms"

-you've got mail-

a bouquet of newly sharpened pencils is perhaps the most exquisite thing i can imagine right now. the leaves will soon change and the school buses are already milling around, signaling the end of summer and the turning of the tide.   

today i am craving a dip in the pool or a walk along the beach-- some end-of-summer celebration. but really, deep down, i yearn for new pencils and books and learning!

it is oh so strange to not be organizing my fall schedule and sifting through a new planner. monday is the start of college for baby freshman and stoic seniors, but right now my backpack is stowed beneath my bed and the pencils are shoved in my top drawer of odds-and-ends.  sad pants. 

granted, graduation has it's perks-- no more tuition or late nights of cramming and/or paper composition.  

but in this moment i miss the excitement and uncertainty of the first day of school-- the trees bustling with a fall breeze and potential. i miss shining my shoes {so to speak} to learn. for all of my days since i was 5, i have donned a new outfit, squared my shoulders, and prepared to meet education enthusiastically head on come the end of summer. but now... monday will be just another work day. endless summer i suppose? oh to be young again... oh wait, i still am :)

now before you loathe me with jealousy or pity my predicament, my days of studying are far from done {GRE and graduate school coming right up} and there is an abundance i have not learned that i either want to or should to be a high-functioning adult in american society. 

so perhaps i will not be going to my first day of school monday morning but this post is my commitment to learn something new every day, and to keep on loving those bouquets of newly sharpened pencils. now if joe fox would send me some i think my life would be complete in a kathleen-kelly sort of way. 

p.s. a random thing i must say: cake-toppers are creepy. end of story.