an announcement of sorts

sadness is a plague.

i have a great many things to be grateful for, but right now... for the past year... i've felt dissatisfied with where i am. i feel like there's more. i'm twenty-three, a college grad, living in a condo, and working in retail. nothing seems to add up. i know i'm meant for more, destined for more, but i can't seem to fit the puzzle pieces together.

friends and family are married, making babies, buying houses, moving outside of the bubble, being idealistic grown-ups... 

i still feel like a child, and that frustrates me. 

the grown-up decisions scare me. i'd prefer to run away from adulthood altogether. 

as someone once said, 

"being an adult has turned out to be a lot more 
expensive  and a lot less exciting than i anticipated"

word to your mother.

marriage. further education. which laundry detergent to buy. 

these are crucial decisions that i alone am suppose to make. 

boo.

but here goes at least one big decision-- i am proud to announce that after much thought and research, i have determined i shall get an mba! 

game plan: take the gmat (april/may), apply to business schools (october-january), and enroll fall 2014 for an mba ob hrm (masters of business administration in organizational behavior and human resource management-- it's a mouthful, i know).

not just anyone

summer: i’ve never told anyone that before.

tom: i guess i’m not just anyone.

 it wasn't so much a secret as it was a memory i didn't want to remember. but it surfaced. somehow i knew i could finally tell someone-- him. my words seemed awkward as i painted the air with a story of my seventeen-year-old naivety-- a picture i hated but i had to scrape those words away from me, for someone else to understand. that who i was is no longer me, but it made me, so it was important.

i sighed after the tears and said,  "i've never told anyone that before".
and he knew he wasn't just anyone.

"when at last you find someone to whom you feel
 you can pour out your soul, you stop in shock
 at the words you utter-- they are so rusty, 
so ugly, so meaningless and feeble from
being kept in the small cramped dark 
inside you so long" -s. plath

vulnerability and i are were once friends, until my sweet and softly spoken secrets were hurtled offensively like bombs in pocatello, idaho. now i no longer care for pocatello nor vulnerability. that is why i tread so cautiously-- like walking on broken glass, relationships keep me on my tip-toes. and i still need time. days or weeks are not the point. it could take me a lifetime to accrue enough trust in another human being to lay my naked heart at their feet and show them my emotional nerve endings. it is scary. it scares the hell out of me most days. but i know its worth it.  vulnerability offers an unconquerable freedom. it can counteract the gravity of your fears.

“vulnerability is the only authentic state. being vulnerable means being open, for wounding, but also for pleasure... don’t mask or deny your vulnerability: it is your greatest asset. be vulnerable: quake and shake in your boots with it. the new goodness that is coming to you can only come to you when you are vulnerable, i.e. open.” -stephen russel

soul, sew up your wounds

heart, cover your tracks

the blood that you spill will wash what you lack

soul, sew up your wounds

test out your engine. give it some room

mind, pick up your pace

capture the thoughts you always chase

soul, open your wings

lift this cage higher than any dream

cover your tracks

sew up your wounds

pick up your pace

open your wings

heart, flesh out your webs

the past that was tangled will unwrap & shed

soul, sing out your songs

clear out your throat. Belt it out strong

cover your tracks

sew up your wounds

pick up your pace

open your wings

cover your tracks

cover your tracks

be kind

my voice has a subtle raspy-ness to it. i should have fallen asleep hours ago to give my immune system a fighting chance to recover, but i wanted to share this:

and this. it breaks my heart in two for those affected but this beautiful tribute... it moved me so deeply. after pouring over the news and feeling the deepest sorrow for the families, this tribute gave a glimmer of solace. 

city sidewalks dressed in holiday style

saturday was a good one.

in the afternoon mr. k and i caught the brand spankin' new Frontrunner north-- it was exciting. okay, actually anticlimactic and mostly crowded. but it sure beat driving to salt lake in the traffic!

and don't you be alarmed, the man behind kort {in the picture below} is actually his friend jeremy who, in case you were wondering, has the longest tongue in the history of the world. the end.

i was sure to wear my christmas plaid for our outing downtown with mine and kort's other friends, DARWIN JEFFREY & NICOLE DAWN MATHEWSON who met us on the train.
{was that a good enough mention, jeff?}

oh look, there's JEFFREY & NICOLE! aren't they cutie pies?

  and here's kort and i, kissing. what else is new?

 

 kort and joseph

 the three manly muskateers

 foxy ladies.

 aaaaand there's JEFF again.

 it was chilly and snowing ever-so-lightly... quite magical and picturesque. 

 the 5 of us

 city creek, waiting for the fountain & fire show to christmas music!

i know this post is already overrun with pictures, 

but here are a few more goofy ones we took!

***note-- not actually being serious in these!

merry & bright

an idea popped into my head that was impossible to dismiss because it was brilliant and oh so lovely...

a christmas party! 

i was in the festive spirit early this year. my decorations are a culmination of target (chargers, "joy", noel, glitter ornaments, banner), home depot (lights, silver cone trees, evergreen trimmings {fresh and free}), hobby lobby (silver, gold, and red trimmings), a magical free little christmas tree from my friend mark, and pinterest printables (chalkboard look-- i uploaded them to costco). 

the evening was immensely enjoyable and the food was divine-- from ali's amazing caramel apple cider to emme's peppermint cupcakes of happiness. but the company was my favorite-- some of my favorite people filled our tiny condo and it was bliss.  

this pillsbury cookie dough makes delicious cookies-- you wouldn't even know they were store bought! plus since i cut/rolled out the dough i feel like i can say i made them ;)

the centerpiece

the napkins that inspired it all

 my momma helped me clean and bake cookies before the party.

 friends for 5 + years! i can hardly believe it.

last saturday {december 8th} was mr. k and my 6 month anniversary-- 6 months!  i was brain-dead and planned the christmas party on our anniversary-- facepalm. i felt horrendous. between sniffles i cried "but men are suppose to be the ones to forget anniversaries!" he just laughed and told me he tries to be romantic, but somehow or another i screw things up. 

true story.

in order to escape the self-brand of "bad girlfriend" i took him cookies & milk at work, and bought him batman to make up for my mistake and say, "hey. i'm glad we've spent half-a-year together".  he surprised me with flowers at my party and a sweet little poem he wrote.   

it began, 

"now sit right down and listen to me

i'll tell you of a foxy lady named becky

...................

i would say this six months has been great,

i still look back and say becky is one awesome date.

so today becky to you i give all my love

and hope our happiness is always as bright as the stars above"

i giggled, almost cried (helllllo, weepy willow gene), and held onto his hand all night. 

all in all, it was a fantastic day.