obsession

here's the thing.
i love television shows.

i don't watch wife swap or swamp people, but the few shows i do watch, i watch.

i don't have time for working out these days because i am too wrapped up in downton abbey-- mary and matthew and that beautiful kiss i just witnessed, and of course the one-liners from dowager countess of grantham (mcgonagall). 

"Of course it would happen to a foreigner. No Englishman would dream of dying in someone else's house... 

...one can't go to pieces at the death of every foreigner. We'd all be in a constant state of collapse whenever we opened a newspaper.



when i blow try my hair, i envision what the characters will do next. as i brush my teeth i muse when mr. bates and anna will finally get together, and of course, how the family can cover up that racy scandal of mary and mr. pumook. also, my loathing for thomas overflows, as it does for that wench with the ringlets down her forehead and inch-long sideburns. i dislike her so much i don't even recall her name.

oh yes, here she is:

bahahaha!

i'm also{in the lengthy process of} watching every single friends episode known to man. i'm nearly done with season 8. and can i just say chandler is the best? wait, maybe joey. or monica. i can't decide. all i know is ross plain-old sucks. worst friend ever.

between work, television, reading, and occasional sleep, i try to squeeze in a little reading. if only there were more hours of the day.

finally

6 months ago, this weekend, i was not afraid. i believed in love. i believed in him.
3 years ago, this weekend, i stroked his thick brown hair, savoring his soul as we discussed our future. our lives. our children.

4 months ago, this weekend, we said goodbye. indefinitely, and with hindsight, permanently.



this weekend is going to be strained. i know this. like the ache of joints before a storm, my heart is prepared to hurt just a little bit.

i rather love this letter i found on the wild and wily ways of a brunette bombshell. 

i read it and immediately thought-- "yes! this is what my heart hopes for, this is everyone has been trying to tell me (with typically less eloquence)!"

For many years I pined and longed for my one-true-love and I looked for him everywhere.  Every city, every coffee shop, every low-lit bar.  Looking back, I kept looking even when I was with a boy I thought was the one-true-love.  This should have been a red flag, but I ignored it, despite it's bright color.
 
One day, I stopped looking.  I forgot about it and thought of other things.  I planned to leave, move to New York and live an exciting life with the friends who were waiting in Manhattan and Brooklyn for me to finally leave the Midwest behind.
 
I found him:  I found my one-true-love.  I didn't quite know it on the first or even second introduction because we were surrounded with people, friends, and acquaintances in loud places.  Finally, we went out together, alone.  Our big, loud, funny personalities were quiet and careful with one another.  
 
We tried a few places for dinner and drinks, but they were loud and obnoxious and we were too delicate.  We found a dive bar, we ordered gin and tonics, we talked and laughed.  We walked back to his Jeep and he suddenly pulled me into a doorway where we kissed in the twilight on a May evening, almost five years ago.  We both just KNEW we had found each other, finally.  Finally.  Finally!
 
I will tell you that you cannot quite imagine how or when or who it will be.  Remember, you may not know immediately, but when you know, you know.  It will alter the course of your life forever and you will never look back, or, if you do, you will be grateful for the letters you wrote now.  
 
And yes, you will talk to him about the jeans, or lack thereof.  If you don't mention it, he might just guess because he will truly know you in a way you were never known or loved before.  And he will help you, even if you cannot help yourself.  he will try to understand, he will be there, he will love you unconditionally.  
 
I just wanted to let you know that it is possible to find him.  And even after becoming a wife and a mother, owning a home and a minivan and a swingset, I look across the room at him and I think:  Finally!  

if

today i threw my head back and laughed, and laughed, about a tree.

my boss just shook his bald head and said, "how is it that you aren't married yet?"

he's like a second father to me and his random comment warmed my heart. 

i often wonder when i'll fall in love.
if i'll fall in love.
{again}
and if so, what will make me fall?


i am anxious for love-- excited but terrified. i dread trusting. i shy away from commitment. i don't want to ever feel broken again. i don't want to give someone that power over me.

but i want love. i want to swim in it.

watch this:

"i regret to inform you"

this is how my life looks right now:

remember that crossroads i was talking about? well, one route has been obliterated.
i found out i won't be going to grad school {for an MSW @ the U} this fall. the whole "i regret to inform you" phrase is not too pleasant to see on paper.

silver lining this weekend: 

i was named associate of the month

 {plaque + fancy pin}

i went on two good dates

aaaand i painted my toes yellow. 

somehow i'll figure out what i want to be when i grow up, and get my closet under control.

this map of life

i am at a crossroads. i'm spinning in circles, getting dizzy with decisions.

i am at a crossroads.
or so my mother tells me.

if i had a magic lamp, i would wish to know what to do. where to go. and of course, wish for my hair to grow faster.
as it is, i ventured south for a brief interlude of a culinary-school-interview and now... now i find myself backtracking and feeling defeated, confused, and upset.

if i knew where i wanted to end up, i just might know which path to take. 

then again, i'm a spry young chick. i have my whole life ahead of me. or so i've been told.
now the trick is finding out what i want to do with my life.

i hate feeling lost on this map of life. 

but i believe god has a plan, i just need to read the road signs better.

thump thump

thump thump
                       thump thump

a steady rhythm.
my heart beat the blood, pulsing and warm. the pain of my soul spread.

with my round cheek on the cool, white pillow i heard my heartbeat echo back to me, telling me i was alive. i had survived a hell of sorts but my heart was stronger, better without him.  to heal you need pain. i had felt the pain-- fresh and raw-- and now i felt the healing.

thump thump
                       thump thump



the dreams in germany brought about a missing i thought was gone, an ache constricting my lungs. the familiar feeling of brokenness consumed me for a night. i was homesick for him, despite his love failing me. dream after dream. i tossed and turned. the dreams evolved into memories and i saw the flecks of gold in his eyes until my pillow became damp.

but
"all I have to say is you don't deserve me, you don't deserve me
i'm finally walking away, cause you only hurt me
and you're not worthy" {kelly clarkson, the war is over}

thump thump

                       thump thump

in other news

i haven't sworn in two and a half weeks.
hazzah!

i'm turning over a new leaf.

in other news, don't i make a fetching viking?

i should have bought the hat to catch me some german men... what was i thinking??

but i am not forlorn. it's perhaps unfortunate i didn't bring home a german lover {or at least a story} but i have german chocolate, which is tastier.

lots of german chocolate.

on being an aunt

i am certain that every single article of clothing i took to germany, in one way or another, obtained slobber, tears, snot, and/or various food spills from the kiddos. as the youngest in the family, i never understood loving someone from the moment they were born.

until i became an aunt.

i remember holding my nephew for the first time-- a warm fresh bundle, too precious and sweet to fathom. and i knew it-- that i loved him. that i always would love him. almost 6 years later, i am lucky enough to have 2 nephews and a niece.

germany was marvelous. the countryside, the shopping, the people. i fell in love. seeing the neuschwanstein castle was magically magnificent, rothenburg sang with history and quaintness. but  if i had to pick my favorite thing about the trip, hands down it would be my sister and her family.

it wasn't the most relaxing vacation, per say, but i will take tickle fights and holding little hands any day over some secluded beach. their smiles are infectious, and their love is overwhelming. these little humans that my sister and brother-in-law are raising so patiently can mend a broken heart in a way nothing else can-- the baby-babble, simplicity, and giggles put everything into perspective.

so when i look at the drool stains on my shoulder, or the chocolate caked onto my jeans,
 i smile.

because i love being an aunt. 

it makes me excited to one day be a mom.

i'll take the good and bad, even the hard days, because the good is so worth it. 

you're a vision in khaki

i have had the same pair of hollister khakis since my junior year of high school. i can't bear to part with them because they make my bum look oh so cute, but they are closer to cream than khaki and additionally have the super flare leg goin' on (back when that was "hip" and back when i shopped at hollister).

i bought another pair of khaki's a few years ago but unfortunately, they are mom khakis.

so i've been on a mission to find the perfect khaki's. this is my incentive to de-junk my closet.
and i have some great news for you-- mission accomplished.

the gap

broken-in straight khakis

*they also come in  myriad of colors, including sky blue. 

seriously, go try on a pair and then buy 5.

guten tag

i

am

 leaving.

getting out of this town.

out of my life for a bit. 

off to see the german countryside.

 off to escape work, forget about men {especially the jealous and confusing type}, and become european, if only for a week or two. i've packed plenty of stripes, boots, and scarves. not to mention my red, red lipstick. 

i carry my sassiness with me overseas, you know.

i do intend to eat too much, laugh too loud, and stay up too late with my sister. 

i want to hug her babies too tight, take too many photos, and read too much.

all in all, a true vacation.

take-off: t minus 12 hours.