ingrid

ingrid is my soul sister. as in, musical soulmate. forever and ever, amen.

clearly, i'm obsessed.  i think she is the most honest musician. i love that she does not hide life but writes about the details, embracing every emotion.

her newest cd comes out in one week! january 24th will be a blessed, blessed day. 

i don't recall being this excited for really....anything in my adult life. 

she has had little snippits of each song posted on her facebook and i am already hooked. i know without a shadow of a doubt that i will be listening to her cd "human again" non-stop, for an indefinite amount of time. perhaps until i die of happiness? yes, that sounds lovely.

gosh, i love ingrid.
therefore, my future daughter shall be proclaimed "ingrid _____ {fill in future married last name}". as dear as my future hubster will be to me, there won't be any discussion on this one. he can pick the boy names if he likes.

that spark

my hands absorb the cold from the steering wheel. i crank up the heat but before my fingers can warm up, the rest of my body reaches that uncomfortable toasty stage. i squirm in the driver's seat and resort to cold hands on the steering wheel.

and this is all fine and dandy but the point is, i miss that separate pair of hands to warm up my own.

i believe love is rooted in your soul, or rather, in the connection of souls. although led astray for some years by disney, i realized {through personal experience} that love is not in a kiss. {my conclusion came by a host of anecdotes, but time is limited and my pillow is seducing me}.



when you kiss to be kissed, you feel the other person with your skin. you muse about the way your lips meet theirs and possibly contemplate the amount of germs being transmitted. it's logical and chemical.

but when you kiss to share yourself without reserve, every nerve ending is on fire. your bones ache with happiness and the idea of breathing seems inconsequential. as lips collide you inhale the perfection of the moment while memorizing their taste, pulling them closer still. your eyelashes flutter to ensure that you are not dreaming but this magic is real.
it is beyond logic. it is passion. it is sweet and lovely. 

merely interlocking fingers sparks my nerve endings. i miss that spark.
and let's be honest, i really miss the kissing. but not just the act of kissing-- i miss the magic and love behind the kiss. the trouble is, once you feel that spark... nothing else suffices.

i miss someone warming up my cold hands. 

but mostly i miss him sitting next to me. 

i want...

i am 22 years old. i am a college grad.

i should have some idea what i want to do with my life, right?



...a w k w a r d  s i l e n c e....
{pull at shirt collar and clear throat}

where i will be in 6 months is as big a mystery to me as how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie pop. i'm certain some people know such things but i am at a loss. 

i do have an inkling of what i want to do with my life... but i don't know how to pick up the pieces of the life i use to want and coincide it with who i am today. the career options scare the crap out of me. i'm not even sure i'm cut out for this grown-up stuff yet.

{my dream life} in a nutshell...
i want to help people, make a difference. 
i want to write a book-- i don't know about what or how or when, but i want to write.
i want to become a sous chef and amaze a million tastebuds.
i want to "find someone who [i] i can love like crazy and who will love [me] the same way back". 
i want to have babies!
i want to finger paint and draw with chalk, bake cookies and dance in the kitchen with my future family. 

i know the essence of who i want to be as a friend, wife, mother, daughter, and sister-- kind and genuine, smart and witty and fantastically wonderful.

yes, that sums things up nicely.

now the trick is to make it all happen. 

right now, i'm taking things one day at a time. 

next year you might find me in new york, seattle, colorado, germany, or arizona. 

pretty much anywhere but provo. i need a fresh start and i am rather fond of adventures!

unlimited french toast and bafflement

i went to kneaders for breakfast with my friend bill. that unlimited french toast is tasty goodness.

the place was absolutely packed. the line wrapped around to the tables and there was not a seat to be seen. except, of course, a nearby table in which we would be crashing the romance of an oblivious couple. we took it because it is nearly impossible to drizzle syrup and cut french toast standing, while balancing a plate in one hand.

the couple sat across from one another, pawing each other's hands while eating their french toast and coyly smiling. they reeked of clique mormonism and awful conversation but we endured his constant jabbering of mission stories {which are only acceptable when actually interesting} and lamenting over which celebrities supposedly were mormon and have since become inactive. my favorite line: "ya know the lead guy from singles ward isn't mormon anymore, right? i totalllly saw that one coming."  no you didn't dude, don't be an idiot to impress your doe-eyed girlfriend.

so bill and i are sitting there, devouring our breakfast in peaceful conversation about books and such when out of left field 'tangled' comes up in their intimate conversation. it's not that we were eavesdropping... we were inches from them so it was hard not to hear.

girl: something to the effect of "the movie tangled is so cute. i love it"
guy: "i refuse to see that movie on moral grounds. it degrades disney's legacy and establishes unrealistic expectations for dating. the girl isn't suppose to find the guy, she is suppose to wait for her to find him"

it was a good thing i was chewing or my jaw would have dropped. seriously??
next thing i knew they were talking about "fast and the furious". so let me get this straight... you won't see "tangled" on moral grounds but you'll watch skanky girls throw themselves at car-driving maniacs?

the thing that kills me is the girl didn't even say anything! she didn't stand up for the movie or herself. he walked all over her like a doormat and completely dominated the entire conversation. this is why i need to leave provo-- escape the stereotypical and horrific byu boy who thinks girls are not capable of assertion and should be weak and submissive, like unto his grandmother of the 1950's.

i clearly derive my spunk and tiny hands from my great-grandma. she was a force to be reckoned with at 4'11". yet a generation later my grandma (her daughter-in-law) never drove a car and receded into the shell of a woman through marriage. i am honestly excited to become a mother, to have a husband one day, but i will never stop being myself or standing up for my opinions. i am sassy. the day i date a man who encourages my sassiness will be the day the heavens shout hallelujah.

new year's resolutions

often, new year's resolutions are lofty, grandiose, and rather impossible. this year i determined to set goals that i would actually attain. not that i'm lowering my sights but i'm shying away from setting myself up for failure (i.e. the resolutions to: never eat out, join a gym and become a workout maniac, date ryan gosling, travel to africa and raise a lion cub, etc.)

my {managable} new year's resolutions

french fries... only once a week, girl. 
read at least one book a month. 
no candy bars. cinnamon gummy bears are still my friends but no more unfulfilling snickers. and farewell vending machine donuts... 
write. every day, write something.
be a better visiting teacher. 
eat out less... as in, once a week for lunch and once for dinner.
serve and forgive, hope and trust. 
take more pictures. loads. 
thou shalt only drink diet coke in moderation and place no other soda before it.
exercise.... i had to put it because there's no way in heaven or hell that i'm giving up desserts.
speaking of which, only one dessert a day. man, i failed at that one yesterday.
strive to become the daughter heavenly father prepared me to be. 
shop less. save more. 
be more adventurous in the kitchen.

there's a host of other things i'd like to accomplish, to become, but that is the list i am sharing.

gorgonzola & cranberry cheese ball

tonight i curled my hair with pin-back charm and sizzled in my "rebecca bloomwood" vibrant purple dress. more importantly, my cheese ball was a hit. it's my new go-to recipe for events-- gorgonzola and cranberry cheese ball. it is miiiighty tasty and perfect for a group. plus, gorgonzola is so fun to say!

one of  my new year's resolutions is to try, and share, a new recipe every month.  this one counts for last month but is still worthy of a blog post. bon appetit!

• 
  
• Gorgonzola & Cranberry Cheese Ball
• 1 package (8 ounces) cream cheese, softened
• 1 cup (4 ounces) crumbled Gorgonzola cheese (Sunflower market has it for a good price)
• 1 cup dried cranberries
• 2 tablespoons each finely chopped celery, green pepper and sweet red pepper
• 1 tablespoon finely chopped onion
• 1/4 teaspoon Tabasco sauce
• 3/4 cup chopped pecans
• Assorted crackers (Ritz are my favorite)

Directions

• In a small bowl, combine cheeses. Stir in the cranberries, vegetables and pepper sauce. Shape into a ball; wrap in plastic wrap. Refrigerate for 1 hour or until firm. Roll cheese ball in pecans. Serve with crackers. Yield: 2 cups. (from tasteofhome.com)

blue skies are coming

today at work someone laughed hard, just like hunter. and i think my heart stopped for a fraction of a second.

because even though i hate how things ended....really, i just hate that they ended at all... i can't absolve my memories of him. i remember those sacred moments-- when he held me too tight and whispered he loved me, the way he would wink at me and make me blush, how often he told me i was beautiful and his favorite person, the feel of his large hands in my hair...

and truthfully, i'm at a loss.

"it startled me, the idea that this person who had once so certainly loved me could change almost overnight"

- elna baker, the new york mormon regional singles halloween dance

i've been reading this book (quoted above) and i feel like it's my life in a way.  i half-way fell in love with an atheist, i was almost engaged to a good mormon boy, a boy whom i love... loved... more than my heart could contain. i asked god and received the distinct answer of 'yes, yes, yes!'... but then my world collapsed and this good mormon boy withdrew. for which reasons i may never fully understand. 

what transpired after the fact was me, aimlessly wandering, like a "hearbroken zombie". 

i need to be a better person. believe me, i realize this. i need to not resort to name-calling and i need to grieve in a non-destructive way. also, i seriously need to calm down the swearing. 

but right now i am taking things one day at time.

each day i get better, stronger. each day gets easier to think of him less and to not cry. 

"day by day, old joy comes back to me."

and blue skies... they're coming. 

- noah and the whale

(1275) days of he-who-must-not-be-named

the part where joseph-gordon levitt breaks plate after plate after plate in (500) days of summer is how i felt last night. or perhaps when he yells on the bus. regardless, the following clip sums it up nicely:

in high school i was the girl who slugged her guy friends for swearing, the girl who abhorred any usage of the 'f word', the girl who didn't understand the liberation that comes from swearing. and the girl who certainly never yelled.

i am no longer that girl.

i am the girl who laughs in (500) days of summer at the card "roses are red, violets are blue, *eff you whore".  i am the girl who intentionally burns and rips holes in things, who swears and yells. that's right hunter, yells, at the top of my lungs, that you are a coward.  i never thought i had it in me until he ignited the fury. now that i have gathered the courage to call him a coward and a host of other less-savory adjectives, i feel liberated. i feel exhilarated.  i feel validated. 

i will not let him claim one more day of me. i gave him approximately 1275. 

we had so many days of sunshine, of happiness. but love has its seasons and in the winter of our love he walked away, not even hoping for spring. he stopped fighting because it was hard. knowing he didn't love me enough is the biggest wound of all.