this one goes out to my bestie

chelsea brynn newman, this one's for you.

5 years is considered an era (according to monica). but while this is the end of one era-- our time together in utah-- it isn't the end of being besties. if you're monica, i'm rachel. if you're harry, i'm ron. if i'm meredith, you're christina. you're my person and i love you more than a fat kid loves chocolate cake.

i'm already looking at flights to new mexico.

 

 

 britney spears

 coldplay

 

 

 

 goodbye crepe brunch

back on the grid

alright friends-- i realize i've been off the grid for a few weeks, but i happen to have very valid reasons for falling off the planet:

1. my brother came for holiday! (not that we're british, but... )
2.  my sister and her babies (and later husband) came to visit!
3. i had the black plague (otherwise known as stomach flu) and subsequently lost nearly 9 pounds. eek!

after i spent a miserable night curled up with my towels on the bathroom tile and then laid destitute for two days, i spent practically every minute not working/sleeping with my fam and/or the boyfriend.

 i helped benji pick out some new spectacles!

 my new motto for 2013-- i wake up to this every morning. isn't it happiness??

and now, the babies. clearly the best part of this post!

 super baby!

 playing kitchen

oh those babies make me happy to be an aunt. 

we did have our first casualty of 2013... ryan gosling {the fish} went to fish heaven. we're not sure when exactly... we're obviously great fish owners. his funeral (aka the toilet flushing) made me gag. goodbye ryan, you were a fighter.

 baby blessing-- mr. k and his 4 brothers

 we went to cuchina tuscana in SL for my brother's birthday dinner. it was so fancy i wore lace tights. 

 aaaand then here's what a simple girl craves-- good ol' wings from buffalo wild wings. it certainly cheered up a gloomy day. do you know what else helps? a waffle maker! gosh i'm a dork. i just love kitchen appliances and utensils. 

auld lang syne

here are pictures to finish off 2012!

brunch date with papa at guru's-- i got the philli-french toast. yummm.

sometimes i amaze myself at what a great girlfriend i am-- this was one of those rare moments. 

okay, this was one of 12. #daysofchristmas

i gave the best white elephant gift to my lovely and nerdy art history high school friends. i am proud that i know who each artist and their corresponding mustache... frida did not have a mustache-- those are her eyebrows. fun fact.

a little bit of work signage.

my pride and joy-- oatmeal whoopie pies. t

hey were wholly phenomenal and won 1st in the cookie bake-off!

i whipped up some festive gingerbread cupcakes with spiced buttercream frosting 

for a few of my favorite co-workers.

since ugly sweaters are an endangered species this time of year, i made my own! safety pins + ornaments= a freakishly festive vest.

keeping up with family tradition we went to rodizio grill for christmas eve, then opened pj's from santa's elves.

 

jeff and nicole had us over for pizza, ugly sweaters, and a whole lot of games. clearly we had fun with the christmas lights.

kortney gave me this beautiful cupcake necklace. i'm obsessed. cupcake, glitter, and gold in one thing-- oh, happy day.

i gave mr. k a book of our first 5 months of dating. i created the book on shutterfly and it's pretty darn cute if i do say so myself. he loved it! (hallelujah!) along with the abercrombie cologne i gave him. 

i bought a leopard print skirt for $10 at gap and i felt fancy, so i documented the occasion. 

 momma, me, and my babe-alicious cousin

and look what santa brought me! i know, i am a complete dork for being excited about mixing bowls and a bundt pan but i just can't help myself! they're shiny.

to ring in the new year, mr. k and i watched pitch perfect. aca-believe it!
*i'm too close to knowing the dance moved for the bella's finale song. heaven help me i'm obsessed.

recipe for a lean & mean 2013

i accomplished a good portion of my "new year's resolutions" from last year (see here), except the whole french fry bit... i am weak. it was a good list i had going though.

below is my revised resolutions list-- an accumulation of on-going goals from 2012 and new ideas that are plausible and potentially enriching. the small publication of these resolutions is a relinquishing of my secret weaknesses-- i pray you don't judge too harshly. hooray for a new year and fresh start!

this year, i will...

• get a new job
• resume my long-neglected gratitude journal
• take the gmat and apply to business schools
• stop swearing
• read! at least 1 book per month
• be kinder than necessary
• go to relief society (this is a big struggle... bigger than the french fry struggle)
• eat healthier
• reduce the sugar overload *goodbye cake for breakfast. i'll see you on the weekends
• eat out less --> save money
• learn to be more trusting
• stop buying nail polish at every turn.
• budget!
• continue to be a picture-taking fiend
• exercise *i'm going to spend a lot of time with jillian michaels and shawn t...eek! 
• be brave
• stop being a shopaholic
• learn to love myself
• pray
• continue being venturesome in the kitchen
• take a trip
• put myself out there

p to the s-- this is my 500th post! milestone. boom baby!

an announcement of sorts

sadness is a plague.

i have a great many things to be grateful for, but right now... for the past year... i've felt dissatisfied with where i am. i feel like there's more. i'm twenty-three, a college grad, living in a condo, and working in retail. nothing seems to add up. i know i'm meant for more, destined for more, but i can't seem to fit the puzzle pieces together.

friends and family are married, making babies, buying houses, moving outside of the bubble, being idealistic grown-ups... 

i still feel like a child, and that frustrates me. 

the grown-up decisions scare me. i'd prefer to run away from adulthood altogether. 

as someone once said, 

"being an adult has turned out to be a lot more 
expensive  and a lot less exciting than i anticipated"

word to your mother.

marriage. further education. which laundry detergent to buy. 

these are crucial decisions that i alone am suppose to make. 

boo.

but here goes at least one big decision-- i am proud to announce that after much thought and research, i have determined i shall get an mba! 

game plan: take the gmat (april/may), apply to business schools (october-january), and enroll fall 2014 for an mba ob hrm (masters of business administration in organizational behavior and human resource management-- it's a mouthful, i know).

not just anyone

summer: i’ve never told anyone that before.

tom: i guess i’m not just anyone.

 it wasn't so much a secret as it was a memory i didn't want to remember. but it surfaced. somehow i knew i could finally tell someone-- him. my words seemed awkward as i painted the air with a story of my seventeen-year-old naivety-- a picture i hated but i had to scrape those words away from me, for someone else to understand. that who i was is no longer me, but it made me, so it was important.

i sighed after the tears and said,  "i've never told anyone that before".
and he knew he wasn't just anyone.

"when at last you find someone to whom you feel
 you can pour out your soul, you stop in shock
 at the words you utter-- they are so rusty, 
so ugly, so meaningless and feeble from
being kept in the small cramped dark 
inside you so long" -s. plath

vulnerability and i are were once friends, until my sweet and softly spoken secrets were hurtled offensively like bombs in pocatello, idaho. now i no longer care for pocatello nor vulnerability. that is why i tread so cautiously-- like walking on broken glass, relationships keep me on my tip-toes. and i still need time. days or weeks are not the point. it could take me a lifetime to accrue enough trust in another human being to lay my naked heart at their feet and show them my emotional nerve endings. it is scary. it scares the hell out of me most days. but i know its worth it.  vulnerability offers an unconquerable freedom. it can counteract the gravity of your fears.

“vulnerability is the only authentic state. being vulnerable means being open, for wounding, but also for pleasure... don’t mask or deny your vulnerability: it is your greatest asset. be vulnerable: quake and shake in your boots with it. the new goodness that is coming to you can only come to you when you are vulnerable, i.e. open.” -stephen russel

soul, sew up your wounds

heart, cover your tracks

the blood that you spill will wash what you lack

soul, sew up your wounds

test out your engine. give it some room

mind, pick up your pace

capture the thoughts you always chase

soul, open your wings

lift this cage higher than any dream

cover your tracks

sew up your wounds

pick up your pace

open your wings

heart, flesh out your webs

the past that was tangled will unwrap & shed

soul, sing out your songs

clear out your throat. Belt it out strong

cover your tracks

sew up your wounds

pick up your pace

open your wings

cover your tracks

cover your tracks

be kind

my voice has a subtle raspy-ness to it. i should have fallen asleep hours ago to give my immune system a fighting chance to recover, but i wanted to share this:

and this. it breaks my heart in two for those affected but this beautiful tribute... it moved me so deeply. after pouring over the news and feeling the deepest sorrow for the families, this tribute gave a glimmer of solace.