redefining love

“we all have the potential to fall in love a thousand times in our lifetime. it’s easy. they all count. but there are certain people you love who do something else; they define how you classify what love is supposed to feel like. these are the most important people in your life, and you’ll meet maybe four or five of these people over the span of 80 years. but there’s still one more tier to all this; there is always one person you love who becomes that definition. it usually happens retrospectively, but it happens eventually. this is the person who unknowingly sets the template for what you will always love about other people.” —cluck klosterman

the first time i fell in love i was 5. benjamin tweed. we kissed in our friend spencer's garage while he sat on the steps, covering his eyes and shouting "i'm not watching this! i'm not watching this!" benjamin's cuteness outweighed his cooties and i was smitten with his ruffled sandy brown hair and adorable 5 year old grin. after our magical lip encounter i thought it was love. truth be told it was puppy love, but i held onto that memory throughout grade school as it formed the basis of my understanding of love. 

infatuation came and went through the years, but real love dawned when i was 15. he was my best friend and bigger than my whole universe. we never kissed but the way he caressed my hand made my teenage heart pick up speed and i knew. i knew it in my bones. every facet and freckle and fault i adored. only trouble was, josh didn't love me back. {at least not to the same degree} so he ended things in an email after 6 months. 

over time we resumed our friendship but i maintained his position on a pedestal-- i compared every boy to his athletic build, green eyes, and quiet humor. he was the first boy i actually wanted to marry; he was my unique standard of perfection. 

until... i met his cousin 4 years later. 

i fell hard and fast. magnetism connected us instantly; he made love come alive in a way i had only seen in movies. no longer half-requited i felt the full depth of love. we giggled nonsensically and spent every waking minute together. idealistically i believed love was enough. and so, with confidence i waited. two years i waited for my handsome missionary, thinking ours was the perfect love story. 

i was all-consumed with butterflies and love when he returned that i didn't recognize who i had become, nor did i see the drastic changes in him. we picked up where we left off without a moment's pause, planning out the next 50 years and taking the first steps towards marriage.  

everything began to fall apart. we no longer giggled but fought, constantly. i kept thinking, "it shouldn't be this hard if it's right" but i held on. i loved him so much it hurt. i couldn't breathe thinking of my life without him. his love was slowly tearing me apart but i couldn't let go because he embodied love to me. to let go would be to give up on love itself. i refused to let go... until he pried my fingers loose from our crumbling relationship with a late-night phone call and haunting words. 

for months i hated love. because even though he was the worst person in my world, i didn't know how to stop loving him. my heart writhed in anguish and torment, loving and hating someone at once. i couldn't force him off the damn pedestal overnight nor banish our memories like celine dion apparently can. 

so.

i burned the ski socks he sent me for christmas post break-up (classy, hunter), packed away our mementos in a box, cried buckets, and even went to a few counseling sessions. i vacillated between anger, intense loneliness, and a gaunt numbness. 

. 

then one day i woke up and my heart didn't ache.
 i began to forget his green eyes and forgive his lies.
 slowly love didn't seem to blame.
and i felt like me again. 

more whole than i had felt in years. 

the dating scene was an unwelcome one. blind dates? ugh. the most memorable being gorilla man... he was so hairy he could have been big foot. but i digress.  i was always nervous about saying too much or too little. i am an opinionated, charismatic girl and {some}mormon men are looking for a docile bride. 

i had resigned myself to an eternity of bad blind dates until mr. k took me hiking one friday and i slid my hand in his. i knew him and it was comfortable. easy. we were already friends and the chemistry finally clicked.

i wasn't looking for someone to redefine love, but i realize now that is exactly what mr. k has done. he "classif[ies] what love is supposed to feel like". his persistence of 2 years unexpectedly swept me off my feet.  i can't put our relationship down on paper but what i do know is i have never felt safer, more loved, or happier. he's manly and sarcastic and sometimes drives me crazy but his rough hands wipe away my tears. he is honest and kind and gentle, and makes me feel beautiful like i never have before. i believe that is what love is suppose to feel like-- not complicated, messy, and fragile--but easy, happy, and certain.