don't you hate it when you wake up in the middle of kissing jude law?

my dreams come in cycles.

for weeks on end, they might be ridiculous.

like grizzly bears attacking me in the forest of my backyard.  or galloping backwards through time on a horse.

another recurrent cycle involves celebrities. 

they show up here and there in the background, and sometimes shimmy their way into the the plot-line of my dreams.

mcsteamy. jude law.  i kissed them. i woke up marvelously happy, even though it was just a dream.

zac braff.  i also kissed him. but wasn't quite as thrilled.

kevin costner. matt damon.  i went on a date with both of them. kevin costner took me to prom.

mcdreamy.  i was on the set of grey's anatomy with him when the fire alarm sounded. 

isaac slade (the fray).  we were legit friends, and he provided me with my own private concert.

and many more vague and vivid dreams which i shant get into.

as of late, i have been cursed with kissing dreams.

 and i mean, cursed.

night after night.

it's terrible.

in these kissing dreams,
i always wake up.

blast.

3 night in a row i dreamt a boy and i were in love, and {of course} kissed.
the only draw back to this {beyond that it didn't actually happen} is that in each dream, i had a different lover boy.  i'm a kissing whore (subconsciously).

it's difficult to extricate my conscious from my subconscious, to forcefully remind myself that i don't have feelings for dream #3 boy {but worry i might}. or that i am in love with dream #2 boy {but am still upset}. or that i adore dream #1 boy {but... this crush is driving me mad}.

gah. 

i find myself  daydreaming about kissing, even.
sometimes you forget what it's like and how great it is.
but not to worry, my dreams are doing an excellent job of reminding me.

ugh.

it almost makes me want to go lay one on mcdarling or some other highly attractive male.

but

i' have made a resolution to not kiss {again} until it could actually be the start of something. scratch that. until i know it is the start of something.
because i've kissed before, thinking it was leading to romance when really... my lips just got cheated.

so.
i will continue to be tortured by my dreams.
and let the occasional  daydream invade my day.

maybe one day... by a sheer miracle
a daydream or two might come to pass

for now...

i have so much to say!
but there is not enough time in the day with finals soon approaching.
as in, tomorrow.

i'm trying to master some self-control here.

after thursday i shall write of my

adventures in seattle

the heaven sent food!

pike's market

the beach... oh, the beach

the splendid apology lunch

einsteins

plus much laughter

 

the male brain {a book i read on my trip}

plus things on the tip of my tongue that i haven't quite figured out yet.
like men and love and dreams and fears {all of which correlate mysteriously}

but for now, i must do a bazillion things to prepare myself for the next 2 days.

i'm off to find myself

i am going on vacation.
oh blessed day.

in 36 hours (-ish) i will in the clouds floating on my way toward beautiful seattle.

this will be my first venture outside of the utah-idaho-wyoming realm in 2 years.
i went to wyoming rather a lot in 2009 (7 times, according to my calculations).

seattle.
ahhhhh.....
when i arrive thursday morning, it's suppose to be raining. which makes me strangely happy.

even though this mini-vacation is right before finals, it could not have come at a better time to get me out of this hell of a week i am enduring.


i can't wait.
maybe i can find a bit of myself in the rain. and a bit more at pike's market. and a bit more in the lush green forestry. and perhaps just a smidgen more in non-utah air with a little salt in the breeze.

i'm off to find myself, and hopefully reclaim my confidence and salvage my sanity.

announcement for the masses

some things in life are private.

which, i will keep to myself.
but i determined, my blog shall be public.

it was quite the rash decision
but... thus far {as in, the elapsment of 5 minutes time} i have a good feeling about it.

it definitely took a leap of faith to put myself out on the world wide web, for all to see.
but there's a great thing-- i'm un-find-able on google. yessss!

therefore, no one shall find my secret world unless they peruse the blog world. and those who might find me may not even know me directly. which i am a-okay with.

so. if you find me, stalk away

in the unfortunate case that someone might trip over a story or two regarding them, i make no apology. because it's my take on life. 
i will confess, i do not know every facet of the things i experience. but what is life but to discover your voice, analyze your experiences, and above all share them so others may gain nourishment and grow beyond what your own life has taught you?

the most poignant lessons can be learned not from first-hand experience but from books and blogs, friends and acquaintences, history and current news.  we are to learn from the past, to glean humor and sadness, reality and imagination, to become that person outside of our reach. being more versed in life may lead you to grasp that image and eventually be that person inside. in consequence, your sillouette will become a model for another to strive to become as they feel life through your words.  

with that semi-philosophical disclaimer, if someone takes offense at my life conveyed through this blog, frankly, it's their own damn fault {i'm feeling fiesty today} for snooping.
there is most certainly a line to carefully tread in sharing and not infringing.
but
it's my blog.

so.
welcome to just for the record.

risk a little

it came back.

that feeling that was absent....
it broke the dam as i stared at 3 words, i had written, on a monitor screen.

i am homesick. 

my mom told me the day huntman and i first held hands, so so long ago:

"becky, you've got to risk a little to love a little"

that night i had the entire world in front of me;
love seemed so carefree and easy.
i didn't understand, i couldn't understand, the  beauty and depth and sacrifice and hurt love is.

i love him a lot. and i have risked a lot, as a fair consequence.

"happy is the heart that still feels  pain"

thank you, ingrid, for helping me to see with minimal but existent clarity that my heart is still here and not lost in armenia.

unfit for a young lady... ooops...

some nights are full of funny little coincidences.
like tonight.

nigel and i went to the temple. she grabbed the april new era-- pure genius/divine intervention/luck because it was all on dating!
needless to say, we eagerly read most of the issue while waiting to be baptized for the dead. and i admit, we giggled a bit {if you read, you will understand why}.

it definitely had some great sound advice from prophets and aposltes.
but, our eyes came across a quote that was so perfectly priceless in that moment of our current respective situations. . . that we really couldn't help but laugh! {and when i say laugh, i mean giggle silently because we were in the temple}.

"behave like a daughter of God. do not be forward, loud, brash, or suggestive...
it is not fitting for a young woman who understands her identity as a daughter of God."

i will let the irony speak for itself!
my post on flirting?

... uh, yeah...

then, as i am huddled in my thin white towel outside a locker waiting for the unknown girl within to leave it vacant so i can stop shivering and change into something more decent, out comes my friend cambrie! we were both so surprised to see one another in such unusual circumstances! but happy nonetheless. we didn't hug because i was wet and only had a towel on, but it was a happy moment to my day.

little things like that just make me smile.

*as a side note, the new era april issue is a good one and offers PROOF that pda is no bueno.  every byu student should read this! seriously. {and please forgive my smidgen of hypocrisy as i was once a pda-er}

"when people speak of public displays of affection they are talking about couples kissing, wrapping their arms around each other, or engaging in other kinds of touching in public. this kind of behavior shows a lack of self-control and self-respect, and it is also self-centered and inconsiderate, because it often makes others feel uncomfortable."

hah! i want to carry this wherever i may go and pass out copies to couples sprawled as one on the grass or groping in the library or canoodling in the temple {yes-- 3 couples TONIGHT! one couple read scriptures out loud, switching off chapters, and they were soooo distracting}, or spooning in the hot tub, or sucking face in the grocery store and in line at the movie theaters or ... yeah. basically everywhere one can be in provo.

i love vindication! 

i am blind

"i am blind. i cannot find the heart i gave to you."

it's a phase. i keep telling myself that.

just. a. phase. 

i feel nothing.
what's worse, i can't remember what i once felt.

i use to have perfect recollections.


but this week
the little reminders are just ordinary objects--
      it no longer stirs within my soul longing for you.

perhaps its because i'm scared.
and scarred.
perhaps because time erodes memory. 

i want to feel that again-- i need to feel that again.
but.
i can't.
because i don't know how.
i don't know what has happened.
and i don't know how to return to where i was a week ago...

and yet, it may be easier this way.
for the first time i don't feel homesick.
i don't feel like i'm waiting. waiting for time to pass, waiting for you. waiting for my life. waiting. . .

so, in my state of not-waiting i am going to do something-- something about my future. 
for starters, i shall attempt to envision it differently than how i always believed it would be, should be. i will remove an egg or two from that basket i have stock-piled.

nothing rash.

just an egg. or two.

because that feeling might most likely will {within the week } return and i will remember why i committed to such a feat..
i will remember love.

nothing is set in stone.  

my entire mind and heart believed this was, but time... is both a villain and a heroine.
only retrospect in many days will reveal the disguised character it is in affecting you, and i. 

to flirt or not to flirt....

the time has come.

i need to be bold,

but not aggressive.  {i can't scare him off now, can i?}

assertive. 

that's a good happy medium.  it's a fine line to tread but... i'm determined.

i shall turn the flirt on.

my mother taught me well in the ways of flirting.  

truth be told, i never really knew how not to flirt.  

indeed, some have accused me of flirting when,

in actuality,

i'm merely acting in my natural habitat.  

but i must flirt, and flirt big.  

because, in order for mcdarling to be bold, i've got to do a little initiation. 

there are levels in flirting.

the time has come to take it up a notch.

i dislike it, sometimes. 

putting yourself out there.... 

especially because i am paranoid he KNOWS i am "mystery girl" 

but if he does know, he seems alright with it. so far. 

gah!

he makes me nervous.