i am blind

"i am blind. i cannot find the heart i gave to you."

it's a phase. i keep telling myself that.

just. a. phase. 

i feel nothing.
what's worse, i can't remember what i once felt.

i use to have perfect recollections.


but this week
the little reminders are just ordinary objects--
      it no longer stirs within my soul longing for you.

perhaps its because i'm scared.
and scarred.
perhaps because time erodes memory. 

i want to feel that again-- i need to feel that again.
but.
i can't.
because i don't know how.
i don't know what has happened.
and i don't know how to return to where i was a week ago...

and yet, it may be easier this way.
for the first time i don't feel homesick.
i don't feel like i'm waiting. waiting for time to pass, waiting for you. waiting for my life. waiting. . .

so, in my state of not-waiting i am going to do something-- something about my future. 
for starters, i shall attempt to envision it differently than how i always believed it would be, should be. i will remove an egg or two from that basket i have stock-piled.

nothing rash.

just an egg. or two.

because that feeling might most likely will {within the week } return and i will remember why i committed to such a feat..
i will remember love.

nothing is set in stone.  

my entire mind and heart believed this was, but time... is both a villain and a heroine.
only retrospect in many days will reveal the disguised character it is in affecting you, and i.