ice shavings of a strange phenomena

summer snowflakes of cotton danced in the gauzy june breeze, trailing their way down upon our patio.  we ate dinner outside today. grilled vegetables {asparagus, potatoes, peppers, and carrots} with succulent seasoned steak. and smoothies. it was lovely.

i told my family the story. the story of today. reaching the conclusion that i don't know really anything, and am perplexed beyond measure.
and that consequences of what i choose... what i choose in the near future {year} will have enormous ramifications.
while chewing my juicy steak i recounted my torn feelings.
and,
{as most conversations involving my potential / non-existent / complicated dating life}, it came full circle to huntman.
and,
it was discovered {as most all my meltdowns are} that the ice shavings of today were merely added crystals to the iceberg of missing hunter, as well as trying to make sense of how men and women communicate.  my brother pulled me onto his lap where i just cried.
it's really hard, to remember. it's almost been an entire year.
fortunately, my wondrous family is there to remind me that it was magical; we did glow and sparkle, ; i was marvelously happy.

so

i am going to take their advice {which was rather a lot} but the major nugget being :
to have faith in love like i have faith in heavenly father
to trust that what happens will be alright
to be understanding and supportive,
to try and accept this strange phenomena of missionary that he is. because i am my own strange phenomena as well.

little things. hopefully memories, not potential

pure befuddlement has been bestowed upon me-- not quite in the form of a gift.

i saw him. and a million memories and possibilities raced through my mind. he was a good 30 feet away but he caught my eye, nodded his head ,and i unwillingly broke into a grin.
i fiddled with my rings while he spoke {in church} and had a knot the size of texas in my stomach.
his approach was casual. we exchanged a hug. the knot went away, along with my worries. {which worries i have been fretting over the past... ooo say, month? and frantically calibrated all yesterday}
friends. friends are good. friends are grrreat.

but... {there always seems to be one of those...}

the knot may have returned when we were alone. i am the first girl he's been alone with in two years.
we just talked. and looked at each other.  

people usually do do that when they're having a conversation.

the little things always gave me hope.  to my discouragement, they still might.

i don't want hope. because hope can be dashed. it's easier not to hope, not to want to hope. i don't want to hope. i don't want to complicate things further. i love huntman.

truthfully, i don't know what i want. 

because a corner of my heart yearns for a ray of hope.

i don't know what i feel. still. {gah!}. i thought i would today.  

the thing i know least of all is what he thinks of me. how he thinks of me. 

i am the recipient of conflicting information from his 

friends. 

his mom. 

him. 

don't worry, i looked dang fine today. 

i wore my new H&M blue and white striped skirt {i've been saving it}, red belt, and my uber sexy red heels.

i'm certain. hypothetically speaking, that is.

this post needs to be written. although. . .

i'm not quite sure how to do it.

hypotheticals always work, right?

it makes life seem much more solve-able; doesn't require a blood confession or the ownership of a complicated situation one might find themselves in.

hypothetically. if you're into hypotheticals.

if interrogated, you merely brush away the nuisance with, "it was a hypothetical."

but some things... are not hypothetical-able.  

such as my current situation.

but we'll pretend it is.

so
hypothetically speaking...

scratch that.

what if you liked your best friend for a long time. say, 4 years.
there was history; there was something there. but it wasn't enough. and the timing was never in sync.

and they left.

while they were gone,
you fell madly in love with their cousin. head over freaking heels.

while with said cousin,
you were certain

purely absolutely positively certain

that there was just residual liking from the first love. and you still cared but.

now the cousin is gone, too.

and yesterday {literally} your best friend
came home.

and today,

today you are sitting at home

writing this blog post,

instead of rushing into his arms.

like you always envisioned you would.

...up until falling in love with his cousin, that is.


hypotheticals are always a dead-give-a-way. so i'll stop with the 3rd person narrative now.



i'm nervous to see him.
we have a lot of memories. we've had quite the history.
but it's all so different now. how could it ever be the same?

2 years ago...

my what has changed since then. how i have changed.
how what i know and want have changed.
and yet,

how little.

"what do we do now?"

"it will come to us"

-meet joe black-

shining moment

shining moment today that made yesterday {in retrospect} not seem such a horrendous disaster of a day:

"you are a cute gal. they should just put you outside the store to draw in customers"

thank you, darling darling little old man {holding your cute wife's hand} for making me feel somewhat beautiful with a semi-pink eye.

i wear my stunner glasses at night so i can hide my disease

ever wake up with a creeping suspicion something isn't quite right on your face?
i did this morning.

after battling many an eye crusty i felt... swollen.
oh no.
a peek in the mirror confirmed.

pink eye.

i will have the doctor diagnose, and give me even more drugs.

my right eye is literally double the size. i have a little sliver to see through. the cute little wrinkles at the corner of my left eyelid are... well, it looks like i got collagen injections in my right eyelid to get rid of those wrinkles. 
it is rather humorous to look at me. but when i first woke up this morning, after my rusty night with tylenol pm, all i could do was cry as i saw a reflection not quite to my liking in the mirror.
i called my mom. and cried some more. then i called work, and tried really hard not to cry.

is it silly that i'm upset i can't go into work? i rather like my job. and the people i work with are growing on me. there are moments when i think i hear the voice of american fork people, like tom or woody in hardware, and i get excited that they're at MY home depot now but... i am getting use to the people i work with, who are all really great.

so.
docket for the day:
- shower.
- put some effort into my hair
- don't put on make-up {at least not any eye make-up}
- don my stunner glasses {aka sunglasses}
- go to the instacare
- not cry again
- head home. have momma take care of me and make me feel pretty because i don't have a boyfriend to do that.
- eat magic toast
- sleep
- watch old movies
- read
- rest
-and,  if i'm feeling a smidgen better, attempt to go to the backstreet boys concert. because i paid for that 3 months ago. and i have tickets for the 5th row with my girlfriends! i'll just refrain from screaming my love to bryan like a crazed 6th grader-- the voice is no bueno and i'm far far too mature for that.
maybe.
but i am totally singing along, even if its just lip-syncing.

just a spoonful of sugar

• chicken noodle soup
• 3 hour naps
• going to bed before midnight; in my case last night, before 10
• cookie dough
• lemon and honey
• ibuproven {what in the world would i do without this drug?}

 tonight i'm experimenting with tylenol pm. hopefully it doesn't zonk me too badly.
and tomorrow, i'm going home to have my momma take care of me
she'll make me magic toast,  slathered with love {and butter}. mmmm


these are the days {being sick} when i wish i was 6 years old again.
or
had a boyfriend to bring me water and tell me i'm pretty when i haven't showered in 2 days. who would cuddle me-- spooning, preferably, with naps intermittent.

i have a nice friend who brought me soup and tea and drugs. but... he is not my boyfriend. although, he looks at me like he is.  it's a problem.
his niceness is starting to wear on me, but i cannot commit myself to something that is non-existent for me no matter the tangibleness in the air for him. 

what could satisfy your breaking heart?

summer concerts on the grass.

perfection? yes.

seriously, check out this band. 

the brocks.

they're awesome. and really chill. 

love them. especially the lead {married} singer.

satisfy

your car your keys and little things that cheer you up but don't do anything

pack some laughs and photographs that break your heart but still you seem to fall

i brought you tears held in a cloud play a song to hide the sound of your breaking heart

you've got something in your hair but for your hunger you brought bread

oh what could satisfy

oh what could satisfy

oh what could satisfy

your breaking heart?

you brought that things that can't replace 

except the smile on her face and 

it breaks your heart

an umbrella for a rainy day,

a song so you won't have to say what's inside

you brought your tears held in a cloud 

play a song to hid the sound of your crashing heart

you've got something in your hair

for your hunger you brought bread

what could satisfy

oh what could satisfy your heart?

your heart

like a diamond in the sky that shines all day and through the night

you're far away

broken glass throughout the cracks 

remembering all the simple laughs and you loved that part

oh what could satisfy

oh what could satisfy

oh what could satisfy 

oh what could satisfy your breaking heart?

here's the link again!

http://www.reverbnation.com/tunepak/2712466

love fern

the lovely ladies of 209 and i watched the infamous and highly quotable 'how to lose a guy in 10 days'.

of course, i oogled over the great kiss.
  {is my mind preoccupied? possibly}

* although... i don't really ever want to be kissed while sitting on a toilet. i do want  to be kissed like that by a matthew machonahey-esque man. 

 ...but i digress....

the love fern.

her instructions to benny boo boo boo boo boo:

"  our love is like this baby fern-- 
in need of tender loving care! "

jessica said, 

"i have a plastic love fern"

to which, we all laughed.

wouldn't that be fantastic? everlasting love, with just a little dusting to keep things shiny.

i want to be bright & shiny.

perhaps i should invest in a plastic love fern.

because my real love fern  may or may not be dying on the vine. i haven't decided, yet.

but

i have decided that:
love. is. hard.

and i wonder....

if water and sunlight are the ingredients for happiness...
what are the proportions? 

what time of day do i nourish? when do i let it sit? 

what if my well has dried up or clouds veil the sun?

what if i have graying wilty leaves? what if they're crispy brown and fragile?

and most importantly,

how do i revive my love fern without coating it in latex?!

answers would be appreciated.

chimichanga. you complete me.

today is ridiculously great.

and it's especially great because i was purely positive it would be tremendously awful.

• i woke up at 4:45 {a.m.} but managed in a shower to scrub off the permanent marker and pen that stained me yesterday during a leakage incident.
• my hair was out of control, but marvelously clean. and smelled gooood.
• i was legitimately stressed at work {some big wigs were in town} but the rising stress led to rising productivity-- i accomplished more than i believed possible in 8 hours.
• at lunch, i got a chimichanga from bajio. delish.
• my boss, henry, told me at least 5 times that i am doing a great job. and  that my signs look fantastic. sincerely. and smiling. yesssss!  {i am somewhat mastering a job that initially overwhelmed me}
• i laid out at the pool to study
• while waiting in line for a freaking hour to take my test {the line was insane-- went OUT of the building} i caught up with my dear beloved friend sarah and saw whitney
• i took my test. and felt pretty confident.
• i checked my score online when i got home and, lo and behold. . . . 97%!!! initially i thought, "this can't be possible". oh, but. it. is. possible. which means, i only missed 3 questions. 
• tonight is my first official summer night-- no more school! {until august...}. now just 40 hours a week at home depot drawing and painting and coloring.  and did i mention i'm off by 3:30 almost every day? 

glorious summer, i am ready for you to begin!

don't you hate it when you wake up in the middle of kissing jude law?

my dreams come in cycles.

for weeks on end, they might be ridiculous.

like grizzly bears attacking me in the forest of my backyard.  or galloping backwards through time on a horse.

another recurrent cycle involves celebrities. 

they show up here and there in the background, and sometimes shimmy their way into the the plot-line of my dreams.

mcsteamy. jude law.  i kissed them. i woke up marvelously happy, even though it was just a dream.

zac braff.  i also kissed him. but wasn't quite as thrilled.

kevin costner. matt damon.  i went on a date with both of them. kevin costner took me to prom.

mcdreamy.  i was on the set of grey's anatomy with him when the fire alarm sounded. 

isaac slade (the fray).  we were legit friends, and he provided me with my own private concert.

and many more vague and vivid dreams which i shant get into.

as of late, i have been cursed with kissing dreams.

 and i mean, cursed.

night after night.

it's terrible.

in these kissing dreams,
i always wake up.

blast.

3 night in a row i dreamt a boy and i were in love, and {of course} kissed.
the only draw back to this {beyond that it didn't actually happen} is that in each dream, i had a different lover boy.  i'm a kissing whore (subconsciously).

it's difficult to extricate my conscious from my subconscious, to forcefully remind myself that i don't have feelings for dream #3 boy {but worry i might}. or that i am in love with dream #2 boy {but am still upset}. or that i adore dream #1 boy {but... this crush is driving me mad}.

gah. 

i find myself  daydreaming about kissing, even.
sometimes you forget what it's like and how great it is.
but not to worry, my dreams are doing an excellent job of reminding me.

ugh.

it almost makes me want to go lay one on mcdarling or some other highly attractive male.

but

i' have made a resolution to not kiss {again} until it could actually be the start of something. scratch that. until i know it is the start of something.
because i've kissed before, thinking it was leading to romance when really... my lips just got cheated.

so.
i will continue to be tortured by my dreams.
and let the occasional  daydream invade my day.

maybe one day... by a sheer miracle
a daydream or two might come to pass

for now...

i have so much to say!
but there is not enough time in the day with finals soon approaching.
as in, tomorrow.

i'm trying to master some self-control here.

after thursday i shall write of my

adventures in seattle

the heaven sent food!

pike's market

the beach... oh, the beach

the splendid apology lunch

einsteins

plus much laughter

 

the male brain {a book i read on my trip}

plus things on the tip of my tongue that i haven't quite figured out yet.
like men and love and dreams and fears {all of which correlate mysteriously}

but for now, i must do a bazillion things to prepare myself for the next 2 days.

i'm off to find myself

i am going on vacation.
oh blessed day.

in 36 hours (-ish) i will in the clouds floating on my way toward beautiful seattle.

this will be my first venture outside of the utah-idaho-wyoming realm in 2 years.
i went to wyoming rather a lot in 2009 (7 times, according to my calculations).

seattle.
ahhhhh.....
when i arrive thursday morning, it's suppose to be raining. which makes me strangely happy.

even though this mini-vacation is right before finals, it could not have come at a better time to get me out of this hell of a week i am enduring.


i can't wait.
maybe i can find a bit of myself in the rain. and a bit more at pike's market. and a bit more in the lush green forestry. and perhaps just a smidgen more in non-utah air with a little salt in the breeze.

i'm off to find myself, and hopefully reclaim my confidence and salvage my sanity.

announcement for the masses

some things in life are private.

which, i will keep to myself.
but i determined, my blog shall be public.

it was quite the rash decision
but... thus far {as in, the elapsment of 5 minutes time} i have a good feeling about it.

it definitely took a leap of faith to put myself out on the world wide web, for all to see.
but there's a great thing-- i'm un-find-able on google. yessss!

therefore, no one shall find my secret world unless they peruse the blog world. and those who might find me may not even know me directly. which i am a-okay with.

so. if you find me, stalk away

in the unfortunate case that someone might trip over a story or two regarding them, i make no apology. because it's my take on life. 
i will confess, i do not know every facet of the things i experience. but what is life but to discover your voice, analyze your experiences, and above all share them so others may gain nourishment and grow beyond what your own life has taught you?

the most poignant lessons can be learned not from first-hand experience but from books and blogs, friends and acquaintences, history and current news.  we are to learn from the past, to glean humor and sadness, reality and imagination, to become that person outside of our reach. being more versed in life may lead you to grasp that image and eventually be that person inside. in consequence, your sillouette will become a model for another to strive to become as they feel life through your words.  

with that semi-philosophical disclaimer, if someone takes offense at my life conveyed through this blog, frankly, it's their own damn fault {i'm feeling fiesty today} for snooping.
there is most certainly a line to carefully tread in sharing and not infringing.
but
it's my blog.

so.
welcome to just for the record.

risk a little

it came back.

that feeling that was absent....
it broke the dam as i stared at 3 words, i had written, on a monitor screen.

i am homesick. 

my mom told me the day huntman and i first held hands, so so long ago:

"becky, you've got to risk a little to love a little"

that night i had the entire world in front of me;
love seemed so carefree and easy.
i didn't understand, i couldn't understand, the  beauty and depth and sacrifice and hurt love is.

i love him a lot. and i have risked a lot, as a fair consequence.

"happy is the heart that still feels  pain"

thank you, ingrid, for helping me to see with minimal but existent clarity that my heart is still here and not lost in armenia.

unfit for a young lady... ooops...

some nights are full of funny little coincidences.
like tonight.

nigel and i went to the temple. she grabbed the april new era-- pure genius/divine intervention/luck because it was all on dating!
needless to say, we eagerly read most of the issue while waiting to be baptized for the dead. and i admit, we giggled a bit {if you read, you will understand why}.

it definitely had some great sound advice from prophets and aposltes.
but, our eyes came across a quote that was so perfectly priceless in that moment of our current respective situations. . . that we really couldn't help but laugh! {and when i say laugh, i mean giggle silently because we were in the temple}.

"behave like a daughter of God. do not be forward, loud, brash, or suggestive...
it is not fitting for a young woman who understands her identity as a daughter of God."

i will let the irony speak for itself!
my post on flirting?

... uh, yeah...

then, as i am huddled in my thin white towel outside a locker waiting for the unknown girl within to leave it vacant so i can stop shivering and change into something more decent, out comes my friend cambrie! we were both so surprised to see one another in such unusual circumstances! but happy nonetheless. we didn't hug because i was wet and only had a towel on, but it was a happy moment to my day.

little things like that just make me smile.

*as a side note, the new era april issue is a good one and offers PROOF that pda is no bueno.  every byu student should read this! seriously. {and please forgive my smidgen of hypocrisy as i was once a pda-er}

"when people speak of public displays of affection they are talking about couples kissing, wrapping their arms around each other, or engaging in other kinds of touching in public. this kind of behavior shows a lack of self-control and self-respect, and it is also self-centered and inconsiderate, because it often makes others feel uncomfortable."

hah! i want to carry this wherever i may go and pass out copies to couples sprawled as one on the grass or groping in the library or canoodling in the temple {yes-- 3 couples TONIGHT! one couple read scriptures out loud, switching off chapters, and they were soooo distracting}, or spooning in the hot tub, or sucking face in the grocery store and in line at the movie theaters or ... yeah. basically everywhere one can be in provo.

i love vindication! 

i am blind

"i am blind. i cannot find the heart i gave to you."

it's a phase. i keep telling myself that.

just. a. phase. 

i feel nothing.
what's worse, i can't remember what i once felt.

i use to have perfect recollections.


but this week
the little reminders are just ordinary objects--
      it no longer stirs within my soul longing for you.

perhaps its because i'm scared.
and scarred.
perhaps because time erodes memory. 

i want to feel that again-- i need to feel that again.
but.
i can't.
because i don't know how.
i don't know what has happened.
and i don't know how to return to where i was a week ago...

and yet, it may be easier this way.
for the first time i don't feel homesick.
i don't feel like i'm waiting. waiting for time to pass, waiting for you. waiting for my life. waiting. . .

so, in my state of not-waiting i am going to do something-- something about my future. 
for starters, i shall attempt to envision it differently than how i always believed it would be, should be. i will remove an egg or two from that basket i have stock-piled.

nothing rash.

just an egg. or two.

because that feeling might most likely will {within the week } return and i will remember why i committed to such a feat..
i will remember love.

nothing is set in stone.  

my entire mind and heart believed this was, but time... is both a villain and a heroine.
only retrospect in many days will reveal the disguised character it is in affecting you, and i. 

to flirt or not to flirt....

the time has come.

i need to be bold,

but not aggressive.  {i can't scare him off now, can i?}

assertive. 

that's a good happy medium.  it's a fine line to tread but... i'm determined.

i shall turn the flirt on.

my mother taught me well in the ways of flirting.  

truth be told, i never really knew how not to flirt.  

indeed, some have accused me of flirting when,

in actuality,

i'm merely acting in my natural habitat.  

but i must flirt, and flirt big.  

because, in order for mcdarling to be bold, i've got to do a little initiation. 

there are levels in flirting.

the time has come to take it up a notch.

i dislike it, sometimes. 

putting yourself out there.... 

especially because i am paranoid he KNOWS i am "mystery girl" 

but if he does know, he seems alright with it. so far. 

gah!

he makes me nervous.