Sunday, September 30, 2012

somebody sedate me/crying-hangover

crying-hangovers are potentially the worst thing ever to happen to me.
i imagine an actual alcohol-hangover is not pretty but in my book, crying-hangovers take the cake. 

speaking of cake, i probably deserve some after just divulging into a whole new realm of vulnerability. how i hate being vulnerable. nothing about it appeals to me. i just feel fatigued with fragility as the superwoman facade fades, revealing a little girl trapped by breakable words and a tear tsunami. 

these poor, poor men dealing with us women folk and our complicated emotions. crying in front of mr. k is nothing new, but i just sobbed-- gross breath-gasping sobs with snot in the mix. mr. k held me as i was, rubbing my back while pleading that i stop crying. he really hates when i cry. i don't blame him-- i'm not a pretty crier. 

you know demi moore on "ghost"-- that single tear falling from her eyelashes, glistening in the moonlight? that is not me. a river runs through my makeup and smudges black all over, my eyelashes stick together and my lips always seem chapped. i need george to tell me i'm going to dehydrate if i don't stop crying before i scream "somebody sedate me". kidding. christina yang is the scariest crier in television history-- i can't compete with that.  

where was i? ah yes. the men always hate when we cry. i think the testosterone in their bodies want to shun such a display of estrogen from us. when i cry in front of my dad he puts a stiff arm around me. my brother rubs my head. it retrospect it is comical how uncomfortable they seem with this crying business. 

this is all to say i commend the men that don't run and hide when we tear up. i realize we women can be difficult and frustrating; our crying tends to brings out the awkwardness of men. but i promise that when we cry in front of a man it typically signifies trust. so please offer a sturdy shoulder to rub our mascara-ed faces on and tell us everything is going to be alright. 

Saturday, September 29, 2012

the pursuit of happiness

have you ever found yourself in a funk for no apparent reason? i have not been a happy camper the past week. i couldn't put my finger on it but i felt off. uneasy. overwhelmed with decisions and occasionally b*tchy.

the last straw was the classy reject email from costco. it's a shame-- i was really looking forward to free samples every day but alas, it's not in the cards. honestly it came down to availability. i looked smokin' in my three interviews, i was charming and intelligent, but my availability wasn't wide open.

i shed a few tears. would i be a girl if i didn't? and it wasn't that i was heartbroken about not working at costco-- it was that my {seemingly only} chance for change slipped through my fingers. mr. k took me to dinner and gave me a good boyfriend pep-talk: "you're awesome! they're stupid!" type of thing. it cheered me up.

sitting at dinner with mr. k he asked what i was thinking.
"about happiness" i replied.

happiness is a funny thing. while i was busy being absorbed in grumpiness for a week happiness was lollygagging elsewhere. some life lessons you forget until your brain reprimands you for being stupid. i clearly needed an attitude adjustment. what's that song from the 90's? "don't worry, be happy". happiness is a choice-- it's all about how you react, not what happens to you.

check out this quote but benjamin franklin. what a stud:
"the u.s. constitution doesn't guarantee happiness, only the pursuit of it. you have to catch up with it yourself"


"happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace, and gratitude"  -denis waitley- 

today i'm choosing to be happy because it's a heck of a lot better than being grumpy. 

Thursday, September 27, 2012

puppy hungry

i'm puppy hungry.

no babies for me, just puppies.

and i had a purely genius idea the other day. i was amazed i had never before concocted this masterful design. the day that i acquire a bounding puppy, if he is a chocolate lab, i shall name him denzel. after, well, denzel washington-- the most attractive man to grace this green earth.

or i could get one of these and name him something debonair, like bently or sir walter.

if i had a golden retriever to snuggle up with i would, for obvious reasons, name him brinkley. and i would buy him a large green pillow the size of an intertube where he could sleep for 18 hours a day. i'd also feed him bits of pizza and bagel, though not off the streets of nyc.
i think it's time to watch you've got mail again...

Monday, September 24, 2012

in other news

i slept for an extraordinary amount of time the past week. it was impressive. if i got paid to sleep i guarantee i would be raking in the dough. unfortunately, i don't.

fortunately, i'm starting to feel human again. 

in other news, i had my third job interview for costco today. a bit excessive? perhaps. i'll find out in a couple days whether i'll be working two jobs soon or not. i am itching for a change, plus my bank account would probably love some cushioning. know of anything??

pet names

dear future hubster,

i've been thinking... if you ever refer to me in any way, shape, or form as "wifey" i will go for your jugular. and while we're at it, let's stay away from "love of my life". i damn well better be the love of your life if you marry me. darling is endearing. sweetheart and honey are pleasant. baby cakes and lover are funny. pumpkin/cupcake/muffin/sugar lips/other food items are very much not okay.


your future equal better half

Thursday, September 20, 2012

sweater weather

i am a woman possessed. obsessed? both.

this song... good lanta i'm in love.

also, have you heard
sweater weather??

speaking of sweater weather, i broke out my array of scarves this week. my fall wardrobe seriously rocks-- i can't wait to be reunited with my soft sweaters and boots!  and don't even get me started on the pumpkins that abound and the happiness they bring this girl.

Sunday, September 16, 2012

redefining love

“we all have the potential to fall in love a thousand times in our lifetime. it’s easy. they all count. but there are certain people you love who do something else; they define how you classify what love is supposed to feel like. these are the most important people in your life, and you’ll meet maybe four or five of these people over the span of 80 years. but there’s still one more tier to all this; there is always one person you love who becomes that definition. it usually happens retrospectively, but it happens eventually. this is the person who unknowingly sets the template for what you will always love about other people.” —cluck klosterman

the first time i fell in love i was 5. benjamin tweed. we kissed in our friend spencer's garage while he sat on the steps, covering his eyes and shouting "i'm not watching this! i'm not watching this!" benjamin's cuteness outweighed his cooties and i was smitten with his ruffled sandy brown hair and adorable 5 year old grin. after our magical lip encounter i thought it was love. truth be told it was puppy love, but i held onto that memory throughout grade school as it formed the basis of my understanding of love. 

infatuation came and went through the years, but real love dawned when i was 15. he was my best friend and bigger than my whole universe. we never kissed but the way he caressed my hand made my teenage heart pick up speed and i knew. i knew it in my bones. every facet and freckle and fault i adored. only trouble was, josh didn't love me back. {at least not to the same degree} so he ended things in an email after 6 months. 
over time we resumed our friendship but i maintained his position on a pedestal-- i compared every boy to his athletic build, green eyes, and quiet humor. he was the first boy i actually wanted to marry; he was my unique standard of perfection. 

until... i met his cousin 4 years later. 

i fell hard and fast. magnetism connected us instantly; he made love come alive in a way i had only seen in movies. no longer half-requited i felt the full depth of love. we giggled nonsensically and spent every waking minute together. idealistically i believed love was enough. and so, with confidence i waited. two years i waited for my handsome missionary, thinking ours was the perfect love story. 
i was all-consumed with butterflies and love when he returned that i didn't recognize who i had become, nor did i see the drastic changes in him. we picked up where we left off without a moment's pause, planning out the next 50 years and taking the first steps towards marriage.  

everything began to fall apart. we no longer giggled but fought, constantly. i kept thinking, "it shouldn't be this hard if it's right" but i held on. i loved him so much it hurt. i couldn't breathe thinking of my life without him. his love was slowly tearing me apart but i couldn't let go because he embodied love to me. to let go would be to give up on love itself. i refused to let go... until he pried my fingers loose from our crumbling relationship with a late-night phone call and haunting words. 

for months i hated love. because even though he was the worst person in my world, i didn't know how to stop loving him. my heart writhed in anguish and torment, loving and hating someone at once. i couldn't force him off the damn pedestal overnight nor banish our memories like celine dion apparently can. 


i burned the ski socks he sent me for christmas post break-up (classy, hunter), packed away our mementos in a box, cried buckets, and even went to a few counseling sessions. i vacillated between anger, intense loneliness, and a gaunt numbness. 

then one day i woke up and my heart didn't ache.
 i began to forget his green eyes and forgive his lies.
 slowly love didn't seem to blame.
and i felt like me again. 

more whole than i had felt in years. 

the dating scene was an unwelcome one. blind dates? ugh. the most memorable being gorilla man... he was so hairy he could have been big foot. but i digress.  i was always nervous about saying too much or too little. i am an opinionated, charismatic girl and {some}mormon men are looking for a docile bride. 

i had resigned myself to an eternity of bad blind dates until mr. k took me hiking one friday and i slid my hand in his. i knew him and it was comfortable. easy. we were already friends and the chemistry finally clicked.

i wasn't looking for someone to redefine love, but i realize now that is exactly what mr. k has done. he "classif[ies] what love is supposed to feel like". his persistence of 2 years unexpectedly swept me off my feet.  i can't put our relationship down on paper but what i do know is i have never felt safer, more loved, or happier. he's manly and sarcastic and sometimes drives me crazy but his rough hands wipe away my tears. he is honest and kind and gentle, and makes me feel beautiful like i never have before. i believe that is what love is suppose to feel like-- not complicated, messy, and fragile--but easy, happy, and certain. 

a whole new world

last weekend i went to st. george with mr. k and his family. it was a breath of fresh air to get away from work. the whole weekend felt like a party.

 friday night we saw 'aladdin'  at the tuacahn theater-- it was so good! if you can go, go! the magic carpet flew above the audience, the blue genie was a hoot, and the singing was simply awesome. 
saturday we got breakfast at the hotel, went shopping at the outlets, grabbed some pizza to watch the byu game, and then swam for a bit before heading to mesquite. sunday morning we headed home. it was a quick trip but a much-needed vacation.  

 the brothers

Thursday, September 6, 2012

life is a beautiful struggle

i've been feeling strange lately.

i wake up and i feel... not myself. like a stranger has come in and taken over this girl. and i'm feeling overpowered. by everything. commitments, finances, the ever-present what-do-i-want-to-do-with-my-life, my job, the looking-for-a-new-job, courage, fear, love, relationships, the unknown, thinking about planning the future with someone, and dishes. it all just seems too much.

so i looked on pinterest, to be inspired. to find something to lighten my heart. to pull me back to myself.

i found this darling tumblr--

inspirational, no?

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

downton abbey dinner party

last friday evening we dined in style.

my friend katherine is off to arizona to become a great pastry chef. before her exodus from utah, we held a dinner party in the style of downton abbey. it was a formal affair, held at my parent's. they waited on us in the style of carson and ms. hughes and created a feast of wonder! lace and fresh flowers adorned the table. the china sparkled in the candlelight. the air abounded with sweet aromas and good conversation.



 chilled strawberry soup
 caesar salad
 raspberry sherbet (to cleanse our pallets)
 roast with potatoes and carrots

 our fancy hair

and we of course watched the christmas episode. can anything make you happier?