although it's been a year {tomorrow} i have residual damage.
i still have anxiety about relationships. about being left. about vulnerability and trust.
december 5th was the worst day of my life.
the future i had been planning with another person for 3 years disintegrated without warning. i watched in horror as i sunk into a deep, dark sadness. i was left in a blackness of confusion, a volatile state of rage and unadulterated heartache.
this was my post about december 5th, about closure.
isn't it lovely? it's poetic and romantic and the stupidest thing i have ever written-- we did not end on good terms. we did not both try to make the relationship work. timing was not to blame-- his cowardice, his deceit, his broken promises {to my parents, even!} and lies are to blame. the 3 break-ups {over the phone} in 6 weeks. promising "when" we get married then slinking back to "if". blaming me for everything and telling me what i wanted to hear without intent on follow through.
...and then he abandoned me.
he left me with a wedding dress and a thousand unanswerable questions.
he was awful to me-- i sincerely hope he never treats another human being the way he treated me in our demise. out of the blue i told the story to a co-worker and by her gaping mouth and wide eyes i realized how horrendous the ordeal was.
i was trying to be poetic about lost and broken love with that post but
... december 5th was the worst day of my life.
... december 5th was the worst day of my life.
fortunately it was the best thing that could have happened to me.
in the first six months of 2012, i heaved my heavy heart around and absolutely nothing turned out how i imagined.
but with deepest sincerity, i am so grateful it didn't.
i didn't get married this year and i didn't get into grad school for social work, but i know myself more. i know now that if things had turned out the way i had planned, i would be miserable in laramie effing wyoming. i would be a basket-case in grad school hearing about the troubled world and trying to save it with social work. and most importantly, i would not have made the wonderful memories i have with phenomenally fantastic friends and a charming boyfriend.
i thought closure would come from saying goodbye.
i was so blind.
the truth is, closure comes with time.
closure came from realizing the truth.
closure came from burning the damn socks he sent me.
closure came with dating and kissing boys.
closure came with prayer and a river of tears.
and full closure came when i learned to trust again. when i began loving mr. k.
i realize this is all exceptionally personal but this post is my form of closure-- a year later and i'm so much better and happier than i was with him.
and THAT, my friend, is what they call closure!
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