ryan gosling

we really love ryan gosling around here.
if you're wondering why ryan gosling should be a thing to adore, check out this gem.

we decided ryan should be our 5th roommate, because with abs like that who wouldn't want him as a roommate? plus i'm sure he would do the dishes.  but seeing as this was not a feasible possibility {due to the honor code, of course} we bought a darling blue beta fish and deemed him worthy to bear the name of ryan gosling.  so despite ryan gosling being a life ruiner {see link above} we now have our very own ryan gosling.

 we like to call him :ryaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan", "ry guy", "regee", and "gossie". 

he likes to swim in and out of the eiffle tower {which matches our travel theme splendidly} or sleep underneath the barnacle encrusted architecture.  he's pretty much perfect.

it's not you, it's me

my dearest blog,

i'm sorry for not calling or texting or, well, writing. it's not you, it's me. i've been seeing someone else... microsoft word. we've been spending large chunks of time together as of late and he's been great, helping me through some stressful times.  i know this may come as a shock since we have been through so much together (i.e. the past 2 years) but i've had to reevaluate my priorities with my grad school application deadline (to the U) chugging closer.  

i miss you. terribly so.

one day soon our love will be rekindled but but for now i need some space. 

sincerely,

beck beck 

mapless wilderness of love

ali shared this with me, and i rather love it:


"we are born to love as we are born to die, and between the heartbeats of those two great mysteries lies all the tangled undergrowth of our tiny lives. there is nowhere to go but through. and so we walk on, lost, and lost again, in the mapless wilderness of love."


 - time farrington, the monk downstairs

into you like a train

grey's anatomy is great therapy. sometimes you have to watch the train episode. sometimes you have to watch the "estrogen, george... penises izzie" episode, with the "seriously" episode for good measure. and may i point out that the season 2 finale is better than any sit-down with a shrink? because it is.

today, i'm watching the train episode.

meredith's little dialogues are perfectly poignant, and in the right moment of personal angst exactly what you need to hear.  so bear with me, here, as i quote again dr. grey. i don't have money to talk to a real doctor, so grey and yang and mcdreamy are my substitutes.


"whoever said 'what you don't know can't hurt you' was a complete and total moron. because for most people I know, not knowing is the worst feeling in the world....as human beings sometimes it's better to stay in the dark. because in the dark there may be fear, but there is also hope." 

men are from mars...

the break lasted 25 hours. approximately.

i do believe men speak a foreign language. sometimes it's chinese and othertimes it's gutteral groans.  women, of course, make perfect sense but to men our words probably come across as arabic or a strongly-accented scottish broad. i suppose the old adage is true: men are from mars and women are from venus.  god must get a kick out of trying to see couples work things out. looking back it is comical to see what fights have been about and the colossal misunderstandings, but in the moment before you know things will work themselves out there has never been anything so serious. not even einstein's theory of relativism. 

relationships are work-- hard work-- to make sure both parties are happy and fulfilled. vulnerability and communication do not come naturally, and every couple has their issues. i don't know how my life will turn out or exactly what the future holds. i do know that i want to give right now my all, so i know i did everything i could.

a break

"men. you can't live with them, and you can't kill them"

the 5 stages of grief have become somewhat discombobulated and quite out of sequence for me. they all have shown their face, but i cannot accept. yet. i keep reverting back. to denial. bargaining. anger made an appearance last night and it was not a pretty sight. but when the rage subsides the sadness sets in, and i feel utterly and helplessly trapped.

i admit, this is pretty personal stuff. but if there's anything i have learned it is that writing is my salve and sanity. the only way i will get through this and eventually accept is to write. and with all of 8 people reading this blog, i'm not too concerned.

my brother was doing laundry, upstairs, far removed from me. and he just knew-- we've always had this connection. my mom says we are twins born 8 years apart. his heart felt suddenly heavy as he folded his clothes. he knew. it was the saddest moment of my life as he found me on the floor at the bottom of the stairs and held me as i struggled to catch my breath.

my rationality came in spurts-- i needed water so i wouldn't dehydrate. i needed to text my boss to take a personal day. i needed to get back to my own twin bed in provo to sleep. but mostly, i just needed water so i wouldn't dehydrate, like christina. grey's anatomy moments always surface.

and so, i feel very much like season 2 meredith. numb. sick to my stomach, although without the catalyst of tequila. i blame the large percentage of water in my body for the reoccurring tears.  huntman is my mcdreamy but we're taking an indefinite break.

i know i will get through this. that things might work out, with time. i know i am strong although i feel incredibly breakable. i know i deserve the best. i know i am loved by so many wonderful people. i know it will all work out according to the Lord's will. i know all these things in my head but my heart cannot believe them, because i am vacillating between the stages of grief. i just need time.

"pain, you just have to ride it out, hope it goes away on its own, hope the wound that caused it heals. there are no solutions, no easy answers, you just breath deep and wait for it to subside. most of the time pain can be managed but sometimes the pain gets you where you least expect it. hits way below the belt and doesn't let up. pain, you just have to fight through, because the truth is you can't outrun it and life always makes more...at the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate. 

- meredith grey -