a break

"men. you can't live with them, and you can't kill them"

the 5 stages of grief have become somewhat discombobulated and quite out of sequence for me. they all have shown their face, but i cannot accept. yet. i keep reverting back. to denial. bargaining. anger made an appearance last night and it was not a pretty sight. but when the rage subsides the sadness sets in, and i feel utterly and helplessly trapped.

i admit, this is pretty personal stuff. but if there's anything i have learned it is that writing is my salve and sanity. the only way i will get through this and eventually accept is to write. and with all of 8 people reading this blog, i'm not too concerned.

my brother was doing laundry, upstairs, far removed from me. and he just knew-- we've always had this connection. my mom says we are twins born 8 years apart. his heart felt suddenly heavy as he folded his clothes. he knew. it was the saddest moment of my life as he found me on the floor at the bottom of the stairs and held me as i struggled to catch my breath.

my rationality came in spurts-- i needed water so i wouldn't dehydrate. i needed to text my boss to take a personal day. i needed to get back to my own twin bed in provo to sleep. but mostly, i just needed water so i wouldn't dehydrate, like christina. grey's anatomy moments always surface.

and so, i feel very much like season 2 meredith. numb. sick to my stomach, although without the catalyst of tequila. i blame the large percentage of water in my body for the reoccurring tears.  huntman is my mcdreamy but we're taking an indefinite break.

i know i will get through this. that things might work out, with time. i know i am strong although i feel incredibly breakable. i know i deserve the best. i know i am loved by so many wonderful people. i know it will all work out according to the Lord's will. i know all these things in my head but my heart cannot believe them, because i am vacillating between the stages of grief. i just need time.

"pain, you just have to ride it out, hope it goes away on its own, hope the wound that caused it heals. there are no solutions, no easy answers, you just breath deep and wait for it to subside. most of the time pain can be managed but sometimes the pain gets you where you least expect it. hits way below the belt and doesn't let up. pain, you just have to fight through, because the truth is you can't outrun it and life always makes more...at the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate. 

- meredith grey -