life lately

 mine and ali's little condo is coming together nicely. our giant tube tv is still on the floor, which i'll admit is slightly ghetto, but we're working on the furniture thing. i promise i'll put up pictures soon of the apartment, but in the meantime, here's what's been happening lately:

 zucchini! let the baking begin!

 ali graduated! oh happy day. so proud of her!

 helaman halls. 5 years later. 

 birthday cupcake for keat {mr. k's little brother}

 {salem days}

 new book

 my award. booyeah. 

 {i rather like working with chalk.}

 i came home to find this. that man.... he's a good one. 

 one of my best friend's got married!

 me and jesus goofing off at work. gotta love fake glasses!

 i had a kankle from a spider bite. it was really attractive. 

$5 sunglasses. score!

demolition derby

i suppose you could say i was raised as a city girl. mr. k has introduced me to a great many things of the country. one of them being, demolition derbys. 

after a delicious bbq, some of his family, mr. k, and i went to the spanish fork stadium for a good time of rowdy car collisions, trucks flipping, and even an engine fire! two days before this i had to timidly ask, "umm, what is a demolition derby? is that with the monster trucks?"

mr. k just shook his head. 

i'm slowly learning.

 {typical}

 

 

 so crazy!

 it was loud but a lot of fun!

these is my words

the other night i laid on mr. k's lap reading 'these is my words' while he watched pre-season football. and it was rather perfect, him doing his thing, me doing mine.

mr. k mentioned to me a quote he picked up from 'white collar':

"i sat watching the game and my girl was there with me reading a book, 

and that's when i knew i was the luckiest guy in the world".

i love that quote because i love to read. i like to watch football but i prefer college over nfl, and i prefer reading over sports any day. he's fine with me reading, not paying attention to the game, just like i'm fine with him watching and playing with my hair. it's a nice comfortable unspoken agreement. 

i have made good on my new year's resolution to read more books. 

i just finished 'these is my words' and cried like a baby. i shed a few tears when dumbeldore died in harry potter, but i sobbed for a solid ten pages at the end of this book. it is fantastic. i want to re-read it immediately and underline my favorite passages, or start on the sequel. i can't decide. 

the characters are real and dynamic. i found myself wrapped up in sarah {the heroine's} words, agreeing with her sentiments and falling in love with captain jack elliott alongside her. i wholeheartedly agree with ali that captain jack elliott is the finest, most imperfectly perfect fictional man. ever. i've always liked my men manly, and that he is. strong, good-hearted, and stubborn. sarah surmises it by saying, "that man makes me feel like a have my bonnet on backwards."

"i might like to have someone courting me. but it would have to be someone who is a square shooter and who has a train load of courage. and it would have to be someone who doesn't have to talk down to folks to feel good, or to tell a person they are worthless if they just made a mistake. and he'd have to be not too thin...i want a man who can hold me down in a wind. maybe he'd have to be pretty stubborn, i don't have use for a man that isn't stubborn. likely a stubborn fellow will stay with you through thick and thin"

i wish i had listened to my momma and ali months ago, when they urged me to read it.

 i promise you this-- if you read it, you will love it. 

you will laugh and cry out loud and thank me for the suggestion. 

now get yourself over to a barnes & noble. stat.

mormon marriage mold

mr. k and i. we've been friends for two years and dated just over two months.

he knows me, quite well. we're very fond of each other. since our dating escapade began there has been one day where we didn't see each other. he takes care of me when i'm sick and makes me laugh every day. the relationship has potential-- clearly-- but i am not the stereotypical mormon girl and we are far from the stereotypical mormon couple. 

for some people, they know.  

faster than lightening.

and while it seems a bit bizarre and crazy, i respect that.

it's just not me. 

i am still baffled by the half-a-dozen engagements that have popped up on facebook of couples who have known each other less time than mr. k and i have dated. what? i want to pull a sassy gay friend and say, "what, what, WHAT are you doing?"

am i the only one that is terrified by forever? 

having almost gone down that road not too long ago, i get how sparkly diamonds are and how exciting wedding dress shopping can be. but, marriage is about more than a fancy wedding and getting it on {marvin gaye style}. 

marriage is for-ev-er.

say it with me smalls-- for-ev-er.  

it seems wherever i turn people are asking when mr. k and i are tying the knot. 

i can't even express my frustration at {random} people's nosiness and unsolicited advice of when we should be getting married! mr. k has it even worse-- people tell him at least weekly he needs to propose before i get away. ahem--may i reemphasize-- two months people! 

i believe in dating through the seasons. i want to know who i'm going to marry. i don't want to just go off a warm-fuzzy feeling because that could be oxytocin or my sex-drive talking. 

i want to see my future hubster in all kinds of situations-- see him with his family, friends, and kids; experience his range of emotions-- upset, happy, tired, scared, goofy, grumpy; talk about big issues and insecurities; do the dishes together; know where he stands and what he believes in.

it takes time to know someone. you don't need to get married fast to prove your love-- i think the more deeply you know someone the more capable you are of loving them completely. 

i guess what i'm trying to say is...

i don't fit the mormon marriage mold.

 {thank heavens}

mr. k and i are going by our own dating agenda.

cyber pda

i truly abhor cyber pda.

you know what i'm talking about-- the facebook statuses that make you go dizzy from rolling your eyes or those special picture captions that trigger your gag reflex.

"leaving my wifey to go to work this morning was the hardest thing i've ever done".

{really? i think you're being a little dramatic sir}

"nothing prepared me for the priviledge of being yours"

{vom.it. eww}

what is this cheesiness crap, i ask?? why do people feel the dire need to share their intimate relationship details with their 734 facebook friends acquaintances? your mom probably doesn't even want to hear those things. please don't make the rest of us suffer. now i'm all about sweet nothings...but on your own time, people! send a text, give 'em a call, heck, kick it old school and leave a note on their windshield. just don't shove your unwanted relationship 411 in my face. please and thank you.


unrelated, i love the "+ 30 second" button on the microwave. i love it. so much so that i will never buy a microwave without it. it's evolved into a deal breaker for me.

also, don't you hate it when you're sitting on an automatic toilet and it flushes while you're still sitting there? awkward. 

the end.

investments

"where you invest your love you invest your life"
-mumford & sons

i'm not good with stocks-- wallstreet baffles me. i don't care to fathom why some investments turn bad and others reep gold untold. what i do understand? love is a risky business of investments.  as c.s. lewis says, "there is no safe investment. to love at all is to be vulnerable". months after a withering bankruptcy, i'm standing on the tide of ever-changing love, teetering with the wind of change afraid of falling. yet i can't back down. i'm invested.

"they say the bigger your investment, the bigger your return. but you have to be willing to take a chance. you have to understand, you might lose it all. but if you take that chance, if you invest wisely the pay off might just surprise you."
-meredith grey

fearing happiness

when things get to be too much, i run...
or adeptly slink away while he snores.

thoughts were bursting in my mind. i could hear my voice saying them aloud but my vocal chords felt trapped, strangled by my heart, and so i stayed silent.

i know there will be hell to pay tomorrow... but i was too afraid to stay and have to utter more of myself aloud. half of me wants him to call, to come screeching over in his truck and knock softly on my door. the other half-- the fearful half-- dreads anything but sleep.

"we fear happiness because we fear failure. but we must overcome [this] fear. we must be brave. it is one thing to speculate about what might be. it is quite another to act in behalf of our dreams, to treat them as objectives that are achievable and worth achieving. it is one thing to run from unhappiness; it is another to take action to realize those qualities of dignity and well-being that are the true standards of the human spirit.

— tim o’brien, going after cacciato 

i do fear happiness because i fear failure. i fear being left. i fear not being enough.
i'm afraid of happiness because i'm afraid it will leave me again. but i better get over myself and carpe the hell out of the diem, right?

lovely songs

obsessed is an understatement. i want you to listen to these lovely songs on repeat with me.

plan b

once upon a time i was an idealist:
i would be the girl who would beat the odds-- my missionary and i were made for each other, our relationship was sanctioned by the heavens before the dawning of time, etc. 

if we were playing a game of b.s. i would be holding all the cards.

now, 8 months after that train derailed the crazy tracks, i literally cringe when i read/hear girls make similar comments/implications about their boyfriends and/or missionaries. because the truth of the matter (the truth i never wanted to hear until it was too late) is that chances are, it won't work out. life happens, people change, and sometimes you are left alone to pick up the pieces of what you thought was your happy ending.


so i'm sharing this for no other reason than to offer hope. hope to anyone who may have been in a similar situation, hope to anyone who might be heartbroken about the changes life and others' agency bring. i wish this article had been out 8 months ago because it would have answered many of the questions that kept me up at night, settled many of the doubts and discouragement i felt about myself, love, and god. honestly, as i read it in church a few weeks ago on my phone i was simply stunned. i kept thinking "oh. my. gosh. oh. my. gosh." it was like reading my life, 7 months after the fact.


i recommend the entire article, but here are a few snippets that echo my experience.


{alessia}
“our story was so beautiful that, even though we had the normal difficulties that every couple encounters, we thought the relationship would never end. while he was gone [on a mission], i began to know myself better. i realized that many things in my life were not yet right and that many times i had hidden behind some silly ideas rather than humble myself and face reality. i had been living in a kind of fairy tale, as if being in love were enough to make everything turn out right, and often this caused me to overlook the most important things.” 
still, alessia expected a happy reunion and continued relationship after her boyfriend’s mission. however, upon his return, the couple dated only a short time before breaking up. "it was one of the most painful moments i can remember."

*soooo freakily similar

{todd}

“heartbroken could not express my feelings strongly enough. there were so many unanswered questions in my mind; it didn’t make sense. i had received a confirmation in the house of the Lord, and now our relationship was over. my testimony had never been tested this hard. i didn’t know how i could ever trust a feeling of confirmation again. i had always trusted in the Lord and tried my best to keep the commandments, it all seemed for naught.”

“i didn’t have all the answers to why i got a confirmation to marry someone, and it didn’t happen. but I realized that didn’t matter. what did matter is that i still had faith in Christ, and i was going to use that faith to trust in whatever the Lord had in store for me.”


“i often wonder why the Lord blessed me with someone as great as my wife when i struggled so long to fully trust the feelings of the Spirit. it is a testimony to me that the Lord is waiting to bless us, but it’s always on His timetable.”




this is my favorite quote which sums everything up nicely:

"[you] may find that “plan B” was simply a way of making His “plan A” a reality."

girlfriend of the year

i had a grandiose, truly brilliant idea-- over-the-top and necessitating high orchestration and secrecy. let's just say if there was a golden globe for girlfriends i would be in the running. swanky celebrities would clutch the sealed, crisp envelope as the contenders' names were read, and after a lengthy drumroll, i would be crowned "girlfriend of the year".  
okay, perhaps that's a bit an exaggeration but here's the story. 

a few weeks ago mr. k was scheduled to go to california to see his boys, kenny chesney and tim mcgraw. unfortunately, as time approached it was evident he wouldn't be able to go. as i sat pondering what i could do to cheer him up with blazing glory the idea dawned on me-- "concert on the beach". if he couldn't get to kenny and tim, i'd bring them {and the beach} to him.
on the afternoon he was originally to depart, i kidnapped him to deer creek resovouire {hey, we don't have beaches in utah so this was my closest bet} and instructed him to shimmy into his swim suit.

i made him turn around while i set up the elaborate spread {in the wind, mind you} of beach towels, kenny & tim {on paint sticks}, a kfc luncheon, rootbeer, mason jars with striped straws, an 'aloha' banner, and an ihome playing kenny & tim. i threw a lei around his neck, handed him the "concert in a bottle", and turned him around to behold the geniusness of his girlfriend.

he was a very, very happy camper.

 

for the 'concert in a bottle' i took his favorite song lyrics and put them together in a letter to him. 

i tried to catch a glimpse of my old life but your face was all i saw--- blue eyes staring through me, baby, what are you doing to me??  i’m not sure how you know the perfect thing to say... when I’ve had just about all I can take, baby you save me.  you stand by me and you believe in me like nobody ever has, so I’ll follow you when the stars go blue.  now i know you have a reckless streak at least a country-mile wide, and running with you is gonna be a real wild ride. ain’t much I can promise you except to do the best i can.  you may be a real bad boy but baby you’re a real good man.

cheesy? I hope you liked your ‘concert in a bottle’.

I like you--sooooooooo much! thanks for being so wonderful and patient with me.

we took a nice dip in the chilly water before the clouds rolled in.

while drying off on the towels i asked him with a sly smile,
"does this make me girlfriend of the year?"

he grinned and kissed me. i'm taking that as a 'yes'. 

now before i get ahead of myself i must say that as far as boyfriends go, mr. k is boss. he is the cheese to my macaroni {juno reference}. he has helped me move all my crap and then some across town, wandered through ikea with me {#500daysofsummer!}, put together the impossible ikea furniture i bought (a lengthy process), and whisked me away camping with his fam last weekend.

i didn't know i could have it this good. i propose his nomination for 'boyfriend of the year'.