to some masochistic degree i was grateful for the flu-- not for the nausea and hours slipping into uncomfortable momentary sleep on the cold bathroom tile, but because i always wanted to be skinnier and suddenly i was.
i believe skinniness is a mental, not a physical, state.
for me it has always been mental.
that was the day i began to feel fat.
after extensive research for college papers on the american media's affect on body image and the increase of eating disorders, i realized i suffered from similar mental effects. this recognition unfortunately did not bring a cure for my defeating thoughts and distorted perspective. although a normal and relatively healthy eater, i was never satisfied with myself. my skewed perspective morphed others' observation of me and i couldn't take a compliment to save me.
i wish i could say that has changed with losing weight.
fortunately it has improved but i still don't fully know how to accept compliments.
fortunately it has improved but i still don't fully know how to accept compliments.
and i probably don't. i stare at my naked self and see my rib cage and hip bones jut out. i find myself more confident in clothing and proud of my weight loss, but on some level it scares me. while waiting with trepidation on the scale, i hold my breath and for a moment i am satisfied but then the familiar thought creeps in: "if you just lost 5 more pounds...".
i wonder if american women will ever feel skinny enough.
1 comment:
Absolutely brilliant post!
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