i. don't. get. it.

i rode on the back of his motorcycle in the early summer night air. we hushed our giggles as we crawled under fences and over dirt hills, finally trespassing onto a premium golf course.
on the green, we cuddled. we kissed. there were shooting stars and a light dew on the grass.
as i laid snugly in his large arms he said,
"ya know, i think you should go after josh."
to which i replied,
"what???"
"i don't know, i just think you guys would go good together."
"why are you bringing this up now?"

i'll give it to him that he was dense {oh, the hits they take in high school football} and that he had the testosterone working against him in the communication department, but seriously-- in what universe is it acceptable to tell a girl immediately post-kiss to date someone else? i am clearly an excellent kisser {we kissed again, a few months later, against my better judgement} and he could be charming with flowers and the big pick-you-off-the-ground hugs....

i digress.


a similar situation occurred most recently.
as in, tonight.

no kissing but while cuddling i was told he would "hook" me up with his friend.

come again? we've spent the entire evening getting cozy. heck, he even watched a chick flick with me {brownie points}. he doesn't want to leave and in the midst of planning the next time we'll see each other, he pulls that crap?

i. don't. get. it.
i don't get men.
i don't get dating.
i don't get life.

clearly.

realist

i have often thought what exactly i would say to he-who-must-not-be-named, if ever he were to show his face again.

i want to say i would be strong, stalwart, and lovely. the heroine in my own story, eloquent and perfect words would fall from my lips and i would square my shoulders with purpose.

other times i envision that he would apologize a thousand times and bring me soft daisies with his heart. he would give me that look, the look i once thought he reserved only for me, and with the simple touch of skin i would melt. into perfection, like we once had. somehow the last 5 months would evaporate and we would be happy together, again.

more aptly, what would probably occur would be a great many cuss words. and a great many of the big ones. 

i'm evolving into a realist.

what can i say.

unfinished stories

i love that my hair smells like peppermint after i get it cut.
i love the feel of sunshine on goosebumps.
i love the sweet and salty taste of saltines-- the go-to sick food.
i love the escape of my subconscious into dreams of impossibility.
i love the scene of love unfolding. love growing. love abiding.
i love the sound of comfortable silence with familiar friends.
i love the possibilities embedded in the weekend. in this day, in this month, in my life.

"we are works of art. we are unfinished stories. we are floating melodies. we are the particles we breathe in. we are everything, and we are everywhere." - author unknown -

meanwhile, at home depot...

a few recent signs...

 {for the record, costco's chocolate sheet cake with chocolate mouse is fantastic}

we like to spice up the work-week with chocolate and contests. even though i sometimes gripe about the dirty old men {customers}, i do love the depot.
if only i could double my hourly wage... i would be sitting pretty.

raspberry trifle

i made this beauty last week!

*disclaimer-- i didn't take my own picture so i stole this from tasteofhome.com, buuut 

it is as delicious and it is pretty!

for the recipe, go here.

i used angel food cake instead of pound cake (personal preference).

it was delightfully light and tastebud-sensational. 

i'm not doing too shabby on this resolution of mine to try at least one new recipe a month. hazzah! what should i bake next??

nutella cupcakes... good heavens.

these are beautiful.
inside and out.

you can find the recipe here.


a word of warning-- make sure you have plenty of people to share them with because the nutella buttercream frosting is dangerously and gloriously sinful.

love ever after

i find these photos incredibly endearing and romantic. perhaps this is my sign-- that love exists and can last.

to see more pictures and find out the story, go here.

"this is the aim of my existence. 

we want [our grandchildren] to be happy the way we were."

"little by little we age 

but we don't change in our hearts. 

love gets stronger. 

that is the way I feel. 

i believe he feels the same way. 

yes, he was my first love. 

my first love and my last".

 "we were young and he was older but i liked him. 

he spoke to me in a very nice way."

"he looked at me the way a man

 who has just come out of the army

 would look at a sexy woman."

these tender quotes remind me so much of my grandparents. so old-fashioned and classy. even their names offer eloquence-- Odes and Afton, Ruby and Edward. i miss their influence in my life. 

i have a special place in my heart for my great-grandma, Dorcus Eve May Longshaw Record. although I never met my great-grandpa, their love was legendary. her spunk filled every inch of her dainty 4"11" frame and his dapper nature equaled his height of 6'4". they had a kissing stool upon which to smooch, and rumor has it that he would rope her into his lap with the crook of his cane to snuggle. even in their 80's. they were crazy about each other, to his last day on earth and far beyond. i firmly believe that their love story is continuing in heaven. 

my ancestors are a great reminder that love exists. love can last for a lifetime and more.

life isn't perfect but love can be.

i need a sign

i breathed in and my lungs felt hollow.
everything around me was wrong, so wrong, and i screamed in my head-- "how is this my life??"

partly it's my fault {really, only a small percentage. other's agency sucks sometimes}.

i intertwined our fingers hoping for trust and emotional validation, whispering secrets bursting at my lips, and for a night it was perfect.  my worries laid in his arms and i could finally breathe.

now, i am irritable. 

i hate the nagging feeling of constant irritation, especially when the frustration bubbles from an irrevocable existence of character. someone he cannot be. are you familiar with the feeling? he gets under my skin and i don't know whether to laugh or cry when i look into his blue eyes. but as he leans in i catch his scent and the irritation subsides momentarily.

i determined romance makes you stupid. romantic visions are bullshit. where has romance gotten me thus far? dark and twisty, to be eloquent.


i wish i was not a hopeless romantic. i wish i could scrub away my past and cut out my heart to wake up to a new life without a bitter bone in this skeleton.


i need a sign-- to know love still exists. how did juno put it?