lesson learned: zinging is not in the creed of sassiness

you've got mail is the most universally quotable movie.  

without further ado, i rely upon kathleen kelly to poetically portray my angst-- angst because i zinged someone. that feeling washed over me-- the same shame that swells each time emma snub ms. bates, the same horror that belays my memory when i remember an undeserved and unkind word from my lips-- immediate remorse and a need to reel back words and time.

last night "when confronted with a horrible, insensitive person, I knew exactly what I wanted to say and I said it".


and it was small. one line. really, it could have been a joke but my tone said otherwise and i whirled around to signify the end of our communication.  i told my momma-- about what i did. she didn't think it was so bad to call him on his behavior but i still feel... regret.

because "i was cruel and I'm {rarely ever} cruel. though I can hardly believe what I said mattered to this man...but what if it did? no matter what he's done to me there is no excuse for my behavior."

that is the clincher.  i learned there is a line to my sassiness-- i will not be a doormat to be walked over and i will not hestitate to be assertive in calling others out on their irrational and/or rude behavior, but, i do not ever ever want to intentionally hurt someone. to have malicious intent to undercut their confidence even if they did it to me first.  any momentary satisfaction gleaned from seeing his arrogance falter vanished in the blink of an eye. my heart hurt-- and still does-- an ache that can only be righted with an apology. 

but life is beautiful-- you can repair damages and "tweak" yourself into what you want to be.  there is a whole lot of tweaking to be done over in this department, as evidenced by the 5 second catastrophe of last night. 

oy vei. 

i wish i could learn without making so. many. mistakes.

every day.

maybe one day i'll get better at this whole thing, and bite my tongue the next time i want to zing someone.