happiness

all the boys of my history have found love. or their own form of happiness.

my first and longest friend has been married for nearly 5 months.
my first junior high crush married his best friend, and my friend, too.
the first boy i held hands with met and married a brunette.
my tall seminary co-president and almost-first-kiss married a blonde.
the boy who sang to me at the park while we sluffed pre-calculus married his high school sweetheart.
my brief half-black boyfriend married a rebel.
my old mexican lover is now engaged.

my first kiss is still a man-whore. bless his heart. 

a brief high school boyfriend is now gay. which really, explains so much.

and the rest all jumbles together. 

so many other dear boys in my life have found happiness with the girl of their dreams. and it makes me incredibly happy-- that we had what history we had and made the memories we did, but have moved on to grander things. to bigger love. to greater commitment. to the rest of our lives.

here i sit,  in a grown-up long-distance relationship. happy as can be. i get butterflies when huntman looks at me and bite my lip with glee when he calls. i have rediscovered happiness and love in a way i had forgotten.  while he was away i made my own happiness, discovering internal alleyways of creativity and sensibility.

but this sort of happiness cannot be wrought from thin-air with might and will-- it needs magic and time, both of which encircle the days ahead. days which will come with their own accord, days which i bravely welcome.