don't you hate it when...

don't you hate it when your ex-bf texts you twice in a week and then you cry?

i bet i know what else you hate-- when you see your ex-bf happy with another girl in a picture (damn you facebook).

don't you hate it when you write a message on facebook to his family and you cry the whole time and forever after?

yeah. i hate that, too.

almost as much as i hate little red trucks and country music.

have i mentioned i'm boycotting matt damon movies (even though 2 of his are my favorites)? and love songs? and all things reminiscent of he-who-must-not-be-named?

because they make me angry. and then sad. and as well all know, an angry becky is a scary becky, and a sad becky is not a fun becky. 

but in all seriousness, i do hate nicholas cage and nickelback, or rather i love to make fun of them. heartless? not in this case. which is why these two gems are priceless:

problems solved

this would solve so many of my problems.

hope you enjoy laughing as much as i do! 

but seriously, i think we're onto something with this cake business...

a homemade christmas

 

handwritten recipe cards for co-workers

a wooden c for my cousin christy, painted black with a map of the seattle area 

my parents present-- all of our family names faux scrabbleboard 

a map matt with thailand newspaper, surrounding a picture of my brother and i riding an elephant in thailand

i made this for he-who-must-not-be-named prior to the official and final break-up.

uh....yeah. moving on.

i made this for my bestie and her husband. 

canvas board, purple stripes, and a 3D n.

"go". green glitter sides and a colorado map for ali. 

and this was my christmas present for myself.

my motto

 it has been one hell of a year, one i am glad to leave behind. 

plus, this photo just cracks me up. 

musica musica!

it has been a while since i have done a music recommendation. and if we're being honest, this little blog certainly needs some happiness.

i now present to you.... 

my favorite new music gems!
(all with links to the music videos-- your welcome.)

benjamin francis leftwich
there is something about the 3-name indie musicians. he is poetic and sweet and soft. good crying music, as ali said, but also fabulous music. the whole album is incredible.
favorite songs: atlas hands, see you soon, don't go slow, box of stones. 

bon iver (pronounced: bone eeever)
i've always loved him. his lyrics can be strange, and there's an occasional expletive, but his voice and the melodies are soothing.
favorite songs: blood bank, skinny love, halocene. 

boyce avenue
incredible covers.
favorite songs: we found love (rihanna cover), teenage dream (katy perry cover)

coldplay
new album mylo xyloto... epic.
favorite songs: paradise, princess of china,

james vincent mcmorrow
another 3-namer indie musician.
favorite song: if i had a boat


local natives
favorite songs: airplanes, cubism dream


mumford & sons
i would be remiss to not mention these fellows. their cd has seen me through good and bad days and is one i will always return to, to find myself and have hope for the future.
favorite songs: sigh no more, after the storm, white blank page


the lower lights
they have a christmas album (come, let us adore him) and an lds hymn album (a hymn revival) that are simply stunning. folksy and fun.

the acorn
favorite song: almanac


the middle east
favorite song: blood

now... don't hate me on this next one but....

the twilight: breaking dawn album.
*disclaimer: i have yet to see the new movie, and in fact a favorite pastime of mine is to rent twilight (numero uno) simply to laugh. buuut i cannot deny there is good music there, as with the other twilight albums.
favorite songs: christina perry- a thousand years, cider sky- northern lights



and of course, ingrid's newest: ghost and have yourself a merry little christmas. 

26 days til her new album release!

magic

dr. marcia fieldstone: people who truly loved once are far more likely to love again. sam, do you think there's someone out there you could love as much as your wife? 

sam baldwin:  well, dr. marcia fieldstone, that's hard to imagine. 

dr. marcia fieldstone:  what are you going to do? 

sam baldwin: well, I'm gonna get out of bed every morning... breathe in and out all day long. then, after a while I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breathe in and out... and, then after a while, I won't have to think about how I had it great and perfect for a while. 

dr. marcia fieldstone:  tell me, what was so special about your wife? 

sam baldwin: well, how long is your program? well, it was a million tiny little things that, when you added them all up, they meant we were supposed to be together... and i knew it. i knew it the very first time I touched her. it was like coming home... only to no home i'd ever known...iI was just taking her hand to help her out of a car and I knew. it was like... magic. 

meg ryan and tom hanks are silver-screen soulmates in my opinion.  while joe vs. the volcano was questionable, sleepless in seattle and you've got mail are among my favorites. 

sam baldwin took 15 months before he began dating again. since i always wanted a man like tom hanks, i think it's perfectly alright to take a couple months to breathe in and out, to forget how undeniably happy i was, and to process the carnage from the trainwreck-breakup that derailed two months before the final impact.   

the future with ny152 was a mystery when kathleen kelly split ways with frank and his typewriter. but. she had "the dream of someone else". i do have that dream, that someone will love me and not hurt me, that magic and happiness will abound, and that the mutual romantic and insatiable love will overpower everything i felt... and still feel, for he-who-must-not-be-named...

i have the dream of someone else, but i am taking time for myself. by myself.

therefore, man fast is now in effect until february 15th. 

foaming at the mouth?

today i was informed a cowboy was "foaming at the mouth" over me. must be the orange apron or something.

fortunately, i have sworn off cowboys from now until eternity.

and that is all i have to say.

heart

i held his heart so close to mine it helped beat my own. little by little, grains of his heart slipped through the cracks of my cupped hands until he was no longer mine. my heart feels hollow and foreign on its own.

it’s hard to know exactly where the fault lines were, when things began to end.  in retrospect, i can see – that we were different from when we first met, when we first fell into each others eyes. i cringe as the dominoes tumble with the accumulation of red flags and i recall the rise of anxiety and unease in my stomach.  but in this haze of heartbreak i do not doubt that i loved him with everything i had,and that he loved me. we were perfect in the imperfect way that embodied us. we were spontaneous and giddy and happy-- he would joke and i would laugh, he would twirl me in the kitchen and i would share my secrets. we were happy. so very happy together. using the past-tense is troublesome, as is this faded happiness-- because if love and happiness are not enough, then what in this world will suffice?

i have begun to write the ending of our story. because it is over. i am slowly processing it is over. i will type and cry for what could have been, and stow our failed love story in "the secret files" on my computer. 

that will be the finale to shipping hunter out of my life, because the rest of our future and memories are in a clear container in the recesses of my closet.

i believe that i will never stop loving him. but. i have hope that one day, my love for someone else will consume my heart and this pain and torture will be a distant memory. 

different oceans

the re-occurring comment of "there are other fish in the sea" is the most unhelpful phrase in the world.

because i love one fish. and he loves me.
        or rather, he still does but it is slowly sinking into the deep abyss of yesterday. 

whichever the case, we are swimming in different oceans. our lives will not intersect again and i am surrounded and suffocated by schools of grey minnows. nothing alters the current of my life, no flash of color catches my eye. i am floating in a sea full of face-less minnows and all i can imagine, all i want to swim toward, is my fish. the fish i chose. the fish who broke my heart and left me in this ocean to flounder alone.

it is too soon.

i was asked out yesterday. twice, in fact.
and it was flattering and sweet but...

it is far too soon.

octo-weddings

sometimes i look at my life and think: how in the hell did i end up here?

in the next month, 8 of my friends will be wed. eight! {which, yay for them... but really? this is ridiculous}
and according to my calculations, by the end of the year i will have been to over 16 weddings, not including the random invitations from a myriad of other friends. holy paloozah. and let's not get into the baby business because that is off the hizzle.

i am burned out by wedding cake fondant, rhinestones, and blissful happiness.

but... what is most probable is that i am jealous-- not even of the sparkling diamonds but of the commitment-- to love and be loved forever. 

"i just need to know it's possible that two people can stay happy together forever"

- juno

ever since i was a little girl, i imagined bow ties and lace, a simple and chic wedding, with plenty of twinkle lights. men probably wonder why it is that we plan-- the cake and the dress, the colors and whether there will be eclairs or fruit. the truth is, we do it because it is the only thing we can do. we cannot plan on who we will marry, how tall or sweet or mature he will be. so we rely on our ken dolls and chick flicks to spur our imaginary dream wedding.

and as the years pass by and you find yourself in love, one day your dream wedding expectations melt away and all that you need is your man. your best friend. the one who will love you forever, through thick and thin. 

when that day comes i like to believe i would be perfectly content with a quiet afternoon temple ceremony, and a cupcake or two to celebrate with my new hubby.

right now, i can hardly handle the word "matrimony" let alone more baby's breath or (gag) another couple being all couple-esque and in love...especially at church. vomit.

 i probably need an attitude adjustment... yeah. that sounds about right. haha. one things for sure-- there ain't no way i can afford 8 wedding gifts around christmas.

be okay

"i just want to be okay be okay be okay, i just want to be okay today"

you're right ingrid, i want to be okay. today. not in a decade when this heart heals, and not next week when i stop crying about saying goodbye to hunter, but right now.

 i expected myself to be. okay, that is. because i sure as hell am one tough cookie-- i am a strong independent woman, hear me roar. right...?  well, deluding yourself into believing you're okay after a traumatic blow to the heart typically backfires.

i broke. it was probably pathetic to watch me mope over pictures and his shirt, and blubber about the unknown of the future and that nothing made sense, but the cookie crumbled down to the fact that i was not okay.

so i took a "mental health day"-- my mom's code word for playing hookie. i let my body rest and slept off some of the sadness. admitting to yourself that you are not okay is a hard pill to swallow, as is asking for help and prayers. 

but since i acknowledged that i am not okay, i feel that one day i will be. time will help this heart of mine. 

all i can say is this is hard. i always pitied the girls who were train-wrecks post break-up. now the tables have turned and i am that girl, that fragile wrecked girl who has to concentrate on not crying at work. i wish i could stop and never cry again about missing hunter. i wish i could stop wondering where things went wrong. i wish i could fast-forward my life 6 months from now to skip this pain. i wish so many things were different... but wishing is no good without a magic lamp and i seem to have misplaced mine for the time being. drat.



 i sincerely apologize for this blog being so damn depressing. i am trying to recover. i am trying so hard to find my happy optimistic self again. she is in there, i know it, i just have to clear the rubble and debris and the sun will come out again. 

we were human

i wrote our story. it was my surprise for him, before he left on his mission. it was approximately 40 pages of adventures and all of our firsts-- when we first saw each other, the first time our fingers intertwined, the magic of our first kiss and every kiss after. we really were crazy about each other... and it didn't end when he left.  if anything, it grew. that love for who he was and is and could be. for who we were, together. for how he made me a better person. 

our letters...3 binders... we had so much hope, so much certainty of our future. since he has been home he is written in my journal and this blog and captured by my camera. there is more i could add to the documentary of our story, but i can't bring myself to write the ending. 

i never thought there would be an ending. 

i always thought we would have more time. 

i never did write about our goodbye two years ago. my mind blocked it and now i can't quite remember what we said, only that we made promises and hugged and kissed and cried before kissing at the car. quite similar to our final goodbye, just yesterday. 

i cannot fathom the sacred moments and our words of yesterday. his sweetness and the pain in our voices, the break in my soul. to think that yesterday was goodbye, that i will not see him again, seems like the most ridiculous thing imaginable. ludicrous. absurd. nearly laughable. i get hit with little moments of realization that this is the end-- that i will not be a part of his family, that we will not have children, and that i will not wear that lace wedding dress for him... when i think about not being with him for the rest of my life my heart literally hurts and my stomach churns. 

i may be filled to the brim with sadness but not one ounce of regret or anger. overwhelmingly, i feel peace. the tears stopped on their own accord and my box of his things is nearly packed. 

all i can feel is that something that feels so irrevocably right should not be this hard. 

i do not want to listen to angry break-up music because i am not angry. people say that you're better off without that other person but... the truth is, i'm not. he made me a better person. he was more than anything i could have imagined in a man. and while we may have unintentionally hurt one another, it wasn't because we didn't love each other. it was because we were human. 

closure

i want to preserve this memory. my last memory. of huntman.

because even though it was the hardest and most excruciating thing i've ever done, it was one last hour of happiness together. i memorized the feel of his hands in mine and the flecks of gold in his eyes. i savored his strong arms around me and the security of home. i committed to memory his lips-- the dusting of freckles, the way they move as he spoke, and the rush i feel when they meet mine. his collarbone and fingers and whiskers. our matching orange shirts and the way my legs draped over his lap.

our playful banter and sporadic jokes made us laugh, as well as the old-time christmas music in a jack-in-the-box in pocatello, idaho.

the fighting and goodbye made us cry.

but we ended on good terms. and i see now, now i finally see, that we both tried. we both gave it our all. the timing was off. it's as simple as that. horrendously and tragically off. we hugged and kissed goodbye, and expressed how much we loved each other, and all that we had learned in these three and a half years. we said "take care" and i waved beside my car as he climbed into his truck.

and that was goodbye.

i do not want to speak ill of him. it is too easy to condescend to blame, to meanness. this is a lesson i have sorely learned. i will always love him and i do not want to desecrate our memories into ugly words. he is a part of me because of all i have learned from him, all we have shared. he taught me how to love. he taught me how to be loved. and while this is not the ideal ending we had hoped and planned for, we will both find our happily ever afters. down the road. with each other or with someone else entirely.

now comes the hard part. i have to pack him away into a box-- the reminders, his notes, our letters and pictures. closure. it's what we gave each other, as a last parting gift. now... now i have to remember to breathe and to move on with my life.