we were human

i wrote our story. it was my surprise for him, before he left on his mission. it was approximately 40 pages of adventures and all of our firsts-- when we first saw each other, the first time our fingers intertwined, the magic of our first kiss and every kiss after. we really were crazy about each other... and it didn't end when he left.  if anything, it grew. that love for who he was and is and could be. for who we were, together. for how he made me a better person. 

our letters...3 binders... we had so much hope, so much certainty of our future. since he has been home he is written in my journal and this blog and captured by my camera. there is more i could add to the documentary of our story, but i can't bring myself to write the ending. 

i never thought there would be an ending. 

i always thought we would have more time. 

i never did write about our goodbye two years ago. my mind blocked it and now i can't quite remember what we said, only that we made promises and hugged and kissed and cried before kissing at the car. quite similar to our final goodbye, just yesterday. 

i cannot fathom the sacred moments and our words of yesterday. his sweetness and the pain in our voices, the break in my soul. to think that yesterday was goodbye, that i will not see him again, seems like the most ridiculous thing imaginable. ludicrous. absurd. nearly laughable. i get hit with little moments of realization that this is the end-- that i will not be a part of his family, that we will not have children, and that i will not wear that lace wedding dress for him... when i think about not being with him for the rest of my life my heart literally hurts and my stomach churns. 

i may be filled to the brim with sadness but not one ounce of regret or anger. overwhelmingly, i feel peace. the tears stopped on their own accord and my box of his things is nearly packed. 

all i can feel is that something that feels so irrevocably right should not be this hard. 

i do not want to listen to angry break-up music because i am not angry. people say that you're better off without that other person but... the truth is, i'm not. he made me a better person. he was more than anything i could have imagined in a man. and while we may have unintentionally hurt one another, it wasn't because we didn't love each other. it was because we were human.