be okay

"i just want to be okay be okay be okay, i just want to be okay today"

you're right ingrid, i want to be okay. today. not in a decade when this heart heals, and not next week when i stop crying about saying goodbye to hunter, but right now.

 i expected myself to be. okay, that is. because i sure as hell am one tough cookie-- i am a strong independent woman, hear me roar. right...?  well, deluding yourself into believing you're okay after a traumatic blow to the heart typically backfires.

i broke. it was probably pathetic to watch me mope over pictures and his shirt, and blubber about the unknown of the future and that nothing made sense, but the cookie crumbled down to the fact that i was not okay.

so i took a "mental health day"-- my mom's code word for playing hookie. i let my body rest and slept off some of the sadness. admitting to yourself that you are not okay is a hard pill to swallow, as is asking for help and prayers. 

but since i acknowledged that i am not okay, i feel that one day i will be. time will help this heart of mine. 

all i can say is this is hard. i always pitied the girls who were train-wrecks post break-up. now the tables have turned and i am that girl, that fragile wrecked girl who has to concentrate on not crying at work. i wish i could stop and never cry again about missing hunter. i wish i could stop wondering where things went wrong. i wish i could fast-forward my life 6 months from now to skip this pain. i wish so many things were different... but wishing is no good without a magic lamp and i seem to have misplaced mine for the time being. drat.



 i sincerely apologize for this blog being so damn depressing. i am trying to recover. i am trying so hard to find my happy optimistic self again. she is in there, i know it, i just have to clear the rubble and debris and the sun will come out again.