star girl

sometimes in life, we learn things too late. 

or later than we should have. 

words "seemed not to enter through my ears but to settle on my skin, there to burrow like tiny eggs awaiting the rain of matruity, when they would hatch and i at last would understand" 

-star girl-

this book is a simple literary gem. and i say 'simple' because i read it in the seventh grade, for honors english. i was so young and small, fitting into 00 jeans and training bras with plenty of uumph to give me a chance at curves (despite genetics and age). i did not understand that my dear teacher was freely giving the key to surviving high school, to enjoying life despite when others point fingers or stare. 

the one thing i wish more than anything is that i had  taken the book to heart.

 it might have changed my entire existence!

okay. perhaps that's an exaggeration. 

but,

it would have changed my attitude, which in essence, is everything.

the years of incalculable experience from my scrawny days as a 12 year old to what i am now have been the roughest toughest funnest years, yet. 

i always wondered who i would be. if i would outgrow my awkward stage and be pretty. if i could accomplish great things. if i could be loved. if i could love. if i could become the person i wanted to be.

in many ways, the answer to these questions is 'yes'. 

and while i am knee-deep in the midst of figuring out "who i am", i have a general grasp. with mere fluctuations of minute details.  

it's only taken me 21 years.

now, i am not advocating a magical return to my teenage years via 13 going on 30 (i would ever wish that permed hair upon myself again, nor the horrendously awful days of middle school and utah studies with mr. evanston) but

my point being:

i wish that knowing what i know now, i could go back and live my life free of ... everything-- insecurity. shyness. jealousy. body dissatisfaction. gossip. broken hearts. naivety. superficiality. materialism. popularity. unfortunate make-up choices and eyebrow tweezing techniques. meaningless kisses with slobbery boys (senior year). the typical tragedies that befall all teenage girls. 

now that the wise words from seventh grade have settled into my skin, i want:

to dance in the rain. 

to find myself in the transition of leaves. 

to wear what my closet speaks to me. 

to become the chef and artist, the avid reader and conversationalist i hoped i would be in my small 12 year old thoughts.

all along, i had it sitting on my bookshelf. star girl. 

i knew it was something special- i just didn't understand why.