a small list

i've got the apartment to myself, which is rather strange. i miss all the noises.

on the plus side: i get to walk around in my underwear. truly, one of my favorite things.

i thought about doing a gratitude post: "101 things i'm grateful for", or something to that effect. i could easily fill the numbers with modern-day conveniences like indoor plumbing, itunes, this little blog of mine, and my beautiful mcsteamy {car}. i could also come up with well over 100 food items i'm grateful for-- indian food {peshawari naan, coconut kurma, and tikimasala, oh my!}, mangoes and sticky rice, ganache, and strawberry-mint milkshakes. and let's not forget my downfall: french fries.

but this year, the things i am most grateful for are hard to adequately express. it is my friends and my family-- how they have stood by me. how much they have sacrificed for me and how they have shown their love. it is that i have survived this month. that i am still breathing, even when i don't know how. it is God, the gospel of Jesus Christ, and the peace that passes all understanding i find in the scriptures. it is cute little old men. it is my co-workers who have wrapped around me, becoming another family. it is realizing how much i am worth.

this year, i am thankful for much more than technology and food-- i am grateful for the people in my life that make each day worth living. i am grateful for love and pain and music. i am grateful that hearts can heal. i am grateful for long hot showers that bring me back to my core. most of all i am grateful for god and his tender mercies. everything i have been blessed with, every day of my life, and everything i hope for, comes from god.

when i pray i create my little list of what i am thankful for, for the good of that day. it's my nightly ritual. but if i was to truly thanked god for everything, well, i would never get off my knees. but i want to start today, to be more grateful.

when i was little and asked to say the family prayer, i would fold my soft dimpled hands and quietly bless the cupboards that held our food, and the vcr {remember those?}, and all of my stuffed animals. i smile now, thinking of the simplicity of children and how they are sure not to forget to share their love, to share their gratitude. i want to be that little girl again-- because i am grateful. for everything. cupboards and vcr's included. 

it is my hope that i can be a more gracious person. that i can recognize the blessings of my life, big or small.  meg said, "most things, given enough time, enough space, enough heaven-sent perspective reveal themselves as blessings."  i am thankful for the good and the bad. but mostly, i am grateful to be me and for this life i have been given.

a little therapy

sometimes, when i don't want to deal with life, i run away {to home} and bake with my momma.

it was fancy-pants baking in the kitchen after midnight. since we love ganache, probably more than is humanly possible, we both filled the cupcakes and topped them with ganache. after doing so we put some pretty cream cheese frosting and a fresh raspberry on top! man alive were they delish.

my momma made me magic toast for breakfast which turned out to be magical indeed. i give credit to the toast for our serendipitous stop at old navy {which followed our adventures at the wood connection, pei wei, and home depot-- it was a busy afternoon}.  we happened upon a spectacular sale that only lasted 5 hours-- 75% off all outerwear. i was busy loading my arms with striped shirts for $8, so busy in fact that i failed to read the giant neon signs around me. but a cute associate told me what the big hub-bub was all about and suggested i try on a jacket or two...which i certainly did. and wouldn't ya know it, they were darling, and the lining in my old black pea coat has all but been ripped to shreds {cause i'm so strong...?} and so it was quite the opportune time to find a beautiful new coat. since the sale was mind-blowingly awesome my momma {and santa} bought me two. to sum it all up, i got a $60 double-breasted wool coat for $14, and a $90 pretty pretty blue-and-black plaid coat for $22. jackpot!

it's amazing what a little retail therapy will do. as well as cupcakes, pei wei chinese food, a happy fortune, sugar cookies, and time with my parents and bestie. 

my heart feels so much lighter. 

i love music-- it is my other therapy {ya know, besides buying 2 coats at old navy}. speaking of music, in case you have not been informed, ingrid michaelson {my favorite musician in the entire universe} has a new cd coming out january 24th! not to worry, i already pre-ordered it and got her new song "ghost"... oh, it is so beautiful. watch the music video. you'll fall in love.

snowfall kind of love

"i want a snowfall kind of love
the kind of love that quiets the world
i want a snowfall kind of love
'cause i'm a snowfall kind of girl


i want a snowfall kind of love
that brings people to their window
won't you bury me in your quiet love...
and we will blow away"
-ingrid-

i'm a snowfall kind of girl-- a romantic.
i saw snowfall love this week.

on thursday my papa and i went to 'rolled-up crepes'-- this darling darling crepery cafe with a giant owl out front {in orem, off state street}. over our scrumptious feast we met the owners-- a newly wed couple that are potentially the cutest people on the planet. he sat at a small table with his laptop, plunking away on the keyboard, as his wife snuggled next to him, draping her arm around his shoulders and laughing.  their love was quiet and endearing, a soft snowfall complimenting the quaint atmosphere.

on friday i made sugar cookies with my bestie and her sister's little family. while piping green frosting onto golden trees, i looked up to catch the husband, wife, little boy, and baby in the oven dancing and smiling in the kitchen, huddled together. it stopped my heart with its beauty-- it was not staged, it was perfect life in the making, perfect and quiet love.

i want that love-- that quiet love that makes others smile, that makes me feel light as a snowflake with happiness. i want to be buried in a snowfall kind of love.

old school

this is probably my most favorite picture. ever.

thought i'd share. that's me in the lacey peach frock with the little mermaid bowl, and my doting older siblings humoring me.

also, cheeeeck out those bangs!

 i was one hot five year old-- i had like 6 boyfriends, according to my journal.

gift secrets

i am awful with secrets. scratch that-- i am awesome with secrets.  i am awful with gift secrets.

i'm one of those people that waits with baited breath as you open my present.  once i got past the stage of trying to eat wrapping paper i looked forward to giving gifts, mostly for the other person's reaction. this christmas season, as i'm being all crafty with presents, i feel as if i might implode with gift secrets.  i can hardly contain my excitement as i want SO badly to tell the future gift-receiver what i am working on! because, let's face it, all the projects are going to be so darn cute in the end {thanks pinterest for all the ideas}.

i already cracked and told my bestie what her gift would be. as well as my parents-- they're both super excited.

and last night on the phone, even though his birthday present is literally in the mail, i couldn't stop myself from telling huntman what i made him. {p.s. we're talking again. that's the only update for the blog}

but i am determined {maybe??} to keep the rest of my christmas presents top secret. especially because the one i am very most excited about, and which will take the most time, is doubling as a christmas & birthday present for certain members of my family. wha ha ha!

enough of this blogging. i have to go be crafty and crap.

merry cazookie

now this is what i call dinner!

it's probably good for me to eat a cazookie {warm gooey choco chip cookie + heaping scoop of vanilla bean icecream from 'the chocolate'} for dinner because, well, let's just say my diet has been lacking lately. 

not to worry, i was super healthy afterwards and had potatoes and chicken, in the form of wendy's french fries and crispy chicken. way to get that protein in there, becky.

and now i shall resume my many homemade christmas projects which are keeping me semi-busy and sane. 

also, my bestie convinced me {with very little effort} to listen to christmas music. i'm typically not one to listen to christmas music pre-thanksgiving buuut christmas music is merry and happy, and following the divine cazookie it just seemed fitting for little david archulette to fill the air with 'hallelujahs'. 

amen.

i am lot's wife

not that i'm a big salty pillar, but i'm lot's wife.

after working overnight i discovered with bleary eyes a talk my home teacher (who is awesome) left for me.
maybe because it was 6 in the morning and i was just crawling into bed or maybe because he was inspired... whichever the case i cried about being lot's wife. because i likened myself like good ol nephi counsels and whoa nelly, it wasn't good.

"in short, her attachment to the past outweighed her confidence in the future... i plead with you not to dwell on days now gone nor to yearn vainly for yesterdays, however good those yesterdays may have been.  the past is to be learned from but not lived in... and when we have learned what we need to learn and have brought with us the best that we have experienced, then we look ahead and remember that faith is always pointed toward the future. faith always has to do with blessings and truths and events that will yet be efficacious in our lives. so a more theological way to talk about lot's wife is to say that she did not have faith.  she doubted the lord's ability to give her something better than sheh already ha.  apparently, she thought that nothing that lay ahead could possibly be as good as what she was leaving behind... faith is for the future.  faith builds on the past but never longs to stay there.  faith trusts that god has great things in store for each of us and that christ truly is the "high priest of good things to come".  - elder holland, "the best is yet to be"

it is easy to doubt. it is easy to fear. faith is hard, but i have faith in love and i have faith that at the end of the day everything will turn out as it is suppose to.

ingrid

i feel numb, mostly.

when i do have feeling it's in the form of ingrid lyrics.

i still feel utterly perplexed and overwhelmed. but each day i get a little bit stronger.

So life moves slowly when you're waiting for it to boil
Feel like I watch from 6 feet under the soil
Still want to hold you and kiss behind your ears
But i re count the countless tears that i lost for you

you can't be the one to kill the pain anymore.

you let me in but then you slam my fingers in the door.

i've had enough but i keep asking you to give me more.

when i say that there's no way.

I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today
I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today
.....
Open me up and you will see
I'm a gallery of broken hearts
I'm beyond repair, let me be
And give me back my broken parts

You could make my head swerve

Used to know my every curve

And now we meet on a street,

And I am blind.  I can not find the heart I gave to you.

Sometimes what we think we really want we don't

Sometimes what we think we want we really don't

Sometimes what we think we love we don't

I want to change the world

Instead I sleep
I want to believe in more than you and me

But all that I know is I'm breathing
All I can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing now

I am in love with a boy

Manufactured to destroy

So I shall unravel my love

Like an old red woolen glove

I still feel you on the right side of the bed
And I still feel you in the blankets pulled over my head
But I'm gonna wash away, oh I'm gonna wash away everything til you come home to me

Maybe in the future, you're gonna come back, you're gonna come back
In the future, you're gonna come back, you're gonna come back

Oh what a way that we died

Plenty of tears were supplied

My eyes are wrung out and dry as a bone

And I taste much better alone

We can't hold us anymore, no we've got to fold
Down to the floor, yes I know it's cold but baby our hearts have gone


But how do I know if I'll make it through?
How do I know? Where's the proof in you?

Baby, you've got the sort of laugh that waters me

And makes me grow tall and strong and proud and flattens me

I find you stunning, but you are running me down

My love's too big for you my love

My love's too big for you my love

And if I was stronger then I would tell you no

And if I was stronger then I will leave this show

And if I was stronger then I would up and go

But here I am and here we go again

Baby, you've got the sort of eyes that tell me tales

That your sort of mouth just will not say, 

the truth impales

That you don't need me, but you won't leave me

highlights

highlights of the week:

the district lp dude gave me an award for being awesome.

my boss' boss' boss shook my hand and gave me another award for being awesome.

this girl was awarded 'associate of the month'-- i got a cool gold pin and plaque and everyone clapped and gave me high-fives, for being awesome.

2 hours of overtime + extreme productivity.

i started on christmas presents. crafty me. thanks, hobby lobby.

my home teacher gave me pumpkin chocolate-chip cookies and a brilliant acoustic cd (because he's from england so it's "brilliant"-- imagine the accent with me)

yellow curry. om nom nom.

my bestie, being my bestie.

new bra-- vs' dream angels push-up is literal boob heaven.

i lit a floating lantern!

knowing how loved you are, through hugs and reassurances and just being held.

my skin is clearing up nicely-- thanks to the darling and talented dermatologist p.a. carrie!

my brother came and visited me, thrice.

grey's and psych and and new girl. yessss.

my parents bought me groceries. hallelujah, i was out of food.

i went to the temple with ali.

pinterest quotes.

watching ryan gosling (the fish) swim through the eiffle tower.

i submitted my application to the U!

i did laundry... but i still have to put it away. blast.

had a cupcake for breakfast.

created a beautiful "man-hater's club" playlist. oh, kate nash and lily allen... i really love the spunk and accents.

low-points of the week:

missing huntman so much i hurt.

eating starbursts for dinner.

crying at work over non-work issues.

this week has felt like an eternity.  sometimes the hardest part of the day is gathering the courage to turn off the hot water in the shower. because, hiding behind the shower curtain i don't feel numb, i don't feel vulnerable. i feel warm and secure, embraced by scalding water and the orange scent of my shampoo.

so i'm trying to be positive. the highlights outnumber the low-points but they don't entirely outweigh them. yet.

overwhelmed

i feel overwhelmed. 

overwhelmed by the love and support and hugs i have received from my families-- my home depot family, my ward family, my siblings, my parents, and my wonderful friends.  i have never felt so protected and cherished by so many people.  knowing that someone cares buoys you out of the darkest sadness and gives you hope that you'll be okay and that you deserve more. 

i also feel overwhelmed by advice. by others' opinions. 

i welcome the advice but it is hard to know everyone's opinion contradicts the magical future i envisioned, repudiates everything my heart feels.  

i don't know what i'll find at the end of 3 weeks without huntman.  i do know that i stood up for myself, even though it was the hardest thing i've ever done-- to say "no". 

i miss him. 

i miss us.

i'm not ready to be done loving him. i didn't know our last kiss could be our last kiss. as we stood in front of security at the airport i grabbed his espresso leather jacket round the collar and kissed his soft lips firmly, with a slight grin, believing i would see him in two weeks time. 

my coping strategy: stay busy. work-- get some overtime. work up an appetite so i eat more than starbursts for dinner. take naps. read a book. start on homemade christmas presents (cause goodness knows i have no money). listen to a ridiculous amount of ingrid, adele, kate nash, sara bareilles, and any other angry/sad love songs. 

...

the beatles had it wrong. you need a whole lot more than love.

i really wish love was enough. 

"and if i was stronger then i would tell you no, and if i was stronger then i would leave this show. and if i was stronger then i would up and go, but here i am and here we go again" -ingrid