a good smelling man

of all my years resisting a man's broad build and his rough hands or blue eyes, there is one thing i am powerless against-- a good smelling man.  


it is not often that the man-smell weakens my knees. i was sure i was going crazy as fogginess clouded my brain with his mere presence. he has a very potent smell-- but it's not axe (thank heavens) and it's not his shampoo. it's him. 


so i did some research. ya know, to reclaim my sanity. here's what i found:
*disclaimer-- i don't believe biology explains everything, but it certainly is an interesting idea


"each person has an odor print as unique as their fingerprint. this is influenced by diet, gender, heredity, health, medication, occupation, and mood. odor is a communication system; a statement about who we are... women inherently have a keener sense of smell than men, and their ability to smell peaks at ovulation when olfactory sensitivity increases 1000 fold."

ok. i'm not crazy. my olfactory sensitivity is just on high-alert. 

"a 2002 study found women prefer the scent of men with genes somewhat similar to their own over the scent of nearly genetically identical or totally dissimilar men."


so when you're not lovin the natural smell of your man-- run. because you'll either have crazy babies because your genes are identical, or they're so dissimilar you run the risk of birthing an ostrich. 

it is quite difficult to not think of kissing someone when they smell so good {curse you, acqua di gio and fierce cologne!}, but when no cologne is needed and they still make you swoon...you know you're in for it.

i need to not smell a certain boy anymore. because when i smell him, i remember when i kissed him. and when i remember kissing him i want to kiss him again. and i simply can't, for a host of reasons and variables.
perhaps i should follow ashley judd's lead {someone like you} and request to have my olfactory bulb removed so as to prevent future smell-swooning? 

p.s. sorry ali- i know you hate the word "swoon" but i had to use it. 

a succulent saturday

this is breakfast.

my first saturday without a bridal shower or a wedding reception in months.... it's been marvelous. i forgot what lazy saturdays were like.

sleep. pancakes with nutella, syrup, and blackberries. psych {tv show}. homework. noah & the whale. no-bake cookies. still wearing my pajamas...
glorious.

plus-- my graduation announcements just came in the mail-- hazzah!

my twin

"we saw a girl who looks exactly like you at sam's club!... except she had short black hair".

then jace amended, "but she wasn't as cute as you".

bless him. 

i've gotten this before--i have a twin, or a few of them, running around out there.  everone does-- i'm sure of it.  i wonder, if i saw this "twin" of mine, would i think we looked alike, or if she was even pretty? would i say, "there's my twin!" as i saw my eyes and nose and lips in her, or would i walk right past her and not notice until someone else pointed out we were nearly identical?

with only so much variety to the human face there's bound to be a repeat somewhere. i wonder if i'll ever meet my repeat? or am i the repeat? 

huh. taco bell has made me all sorts of philosophical. 

recommendation of the month!

this is my recommendation of the month:

jules morrow.

she's amazing and beautiful, and her music has a quality you don't often find. 

oh, it's original and simply marvelous.

her album is on itunes. {yeah, she's that good} after purchasing her album last night, i am in serious love.

if you want to see more jules, her blog is darling- on the left side you can listen to "airplane hearts" which may be my favorite. followed by "europhia and diet coke".

unrelated, i love this photo. it brings back warm memories of summer sunshine glistening on deep chilled water. i love that it is officially spring! summer is nearly within my grasp.

gondola and pineapple toast

so i have taken to purusing the internet lately for things i don't really need. 

like a psych toaster that imprints your bread with a pineapple image. 

or --preparing for the future-- a "mcdreamy in training" onesie.

but this.... this i need.

i mean, i need a dress to wear under my cap and gown, right?

{"gondola" at shabbyapple.com}

byu would certainly frown upon going naked under my gown-- it would be just my luck to break the honor code graduation day. i should buy it, yes yes? 

wed-nes-day

today, i misspelled a word i have had in my repertoire of vocabulary for a good 15 years. i remember when i first encountered the task of spelling this word, my little voice sounded out how to spell it-- not at all how it was pronounced. i am now in college, and have long since needed to perform such tactics to remind my left hand which letters to create.

but today... it was the darnest thing. today i misspelled wednesday. how do you do that? you leave out both the n and the e. "wedsday".  yep, i'm a college graduate next month. 

i was making a lovely sign at work, and did not even notice until tracing the outline. 

it seemed suspiciously short. 

so i can't spell. no big deal. 

at least i know that "vacillating" is a real-world. i had my sanity called out on that one, but i prevail with proof from webster. 

for this moment i am going to keep laughing at myself and prepare a fresh bowl of vanilla ice cream and nectarines, while the wind blows cold and my homework sits idly. 

something borrowed and something blue

it's not even april and i have attended 6 showers + 5 weddings in 2011. rather absurd if you ask me-- that is a heap of lingerie.  i feel that everyone i know {or at least, every girl i know} either has a rock on their left hand or the diamond is on the way.

frankly {and i do mean frankly}, it sucks. 
big time. 

and it's not that i am not happy for my friends, because i really truly am. 
i am thrilled they have found their best friend, their cuddle-buddy, their soulmate.
i love waiting outside the temple, smiling, to see them emerge as husband & wife, and i adore seeing them off into the sunset with sparklers and confetti.

but

when glasses are raised in toast at the wedding luncheon, i get misty eyed. when they twirl through their first dance, i sway by myself. and that night, as i crawl into my twin-size bed, i sigh before drifting into dreams. 

i am 21 years old and i am already receiving the pity comments of "one day soon it will be your turn". 

no. it won't.

despite the cake and flowers, twinkle lights and laughter abounding, weddings usher in a twinge of melancholy. 
i think i have pinpointed its origin-- this sadness stems from being reminded that i do want to get married, one day, and that i am not complete on my own. and what's more, i feel farther than i ever have from marriage. i have struggled these past 18 months to piece myself back together, to show that i don't need a boyfriend, that i am enough on my own. and for now, that is true. but having once felt so completely filled by someone who is now gone. . . the lies i have told myself are catching up to me.

the hole is no bigger than a pin-prick now, but it is still there, and it widens with every bouquet toss.  

jumping for joy

it's been quite the week. 
how did friday sneak up so stealthily?

aside from 3 of my friends getting married,  my momma being in the hospital {for PEs and a heart strain-- not to worry, she's out now!}, my brother matching at his #1 anethesia residency program {yay! go ben!}, stress quadrupled at work {curse you busy spring season}, and too little sleep and not enough time to do a smidgen of homework....

i was presented with the portraits aria snapped two weeks ago... 

and i'm a little bit in love. 

it was my ray of sunshine in an otherwise overwhelming week. 

here's a preview of a few faves:

what do you think??

also... is the jumping picture too ca-razy to send out with graduation invites?? because that is how i feel about graduating next month! wahoo!

interdigitation

i use to think that holding hands must always precede kissing. that was the order of the world. but then that became jumbled in the laundry of questions of which comes first-- the chicken or the egg-- and so, my priorities realigned. i kissed a boy before the interdigitation of fingers, because it had been a really really really long time.

the irony of the whole thing is, while the kissing was exciting and satisfying, it wasn't until we were merely conversing, and he intertwined his fingers with mine, that i melted. 
like butter on a hot role.

because as he stroked his fingers against mine i had hope rise in me that i was "cherished" {to borrow from ali}. he didn't just want some action, but i was special! holding hands severely messed with the oxytocin levels in my brain.

i am such a girl.

because that boy... nay, most boys, do not process things similarly with regard to intimacy. you'd think i would have learned this by now.

i can almost understand kissing with no feeling {recall this?} but how can you hold hands and not feel a connection?

sometimes i want to kiss this boy again when i am feeling sad, but that would only widen the void within me because i know i am nothing extraordinary to him.

what a predicament i am in. 

perhaps i should implement my man-fast once again?

waiting

waiting should be familiar by now.

waiting for the toothfairy, waiting for summer vacation, waiting to drive, waiting to date, waiting to kiss a boy, waiting to graduate, waiting to fall in love, waiting to vote, waiting. waiting. waiting. 

and now, i must wait some more. 

a month waited counts for nothing. i'll still be waiting til near september. my heart is so heavy with this added time. 

amidst my waiting, i'm befuddled by all men. 

as well as how to pronounce "guffaw" and what context i could ever slip that into conversation. 

your future has been adjusted

movie recommendation: the adjustment bureau

so so good! akin to inception-good. not that it bends your mind in the same way, but i'm still thinking about it 14 hours later -- that is a sure sign of a good movie.
if my recommendation is not incentive enough, i have 2 additional reasons you should go see it:

um, helllllo. reasons 1 & 2 right thurrr. 

yes, you must go.

i am so very in love with matt damon at this moment. and anthony mackie.  he reminds me of avery from grey's. yummmm. 

i've become all philosophical about daily decisions, 

coincidences, and "the plan".  gosh it is good. 

would you fight for your free will??

i'm already dying to go see it again.

a shadow of a doubt

sometimes i have doubting moments. i'm quite certain i chose the right path 3 years ago when i decided upon psychology, but today, i wished more than anything that i was an english major. and then i began to think... 


the reason i did not become an english major: {though i was tempted to do so} 
a. i did not want to teach high school 
b. what do you do with an english degree besides teach high school? 
c. i did not want to be chained to my laptop, writing a trillion papers each semester. 

but that vision still sits in my head-- of me, writing or editing away, curled up in a big sweatshirt and a mug of hot cocoa, surrounded by books and drafts in a cluttered mess of bliss with sunshine streaming through the skylights. 

it is so idyllic. 

but my vision ignores the fact that there would be no income, a lot of headaches, and again, no income. 

the logicality removes the romance of it all i suppose.  if i was not graduating next month i would probably throw caution to the wind and in a wild moment of spontaneity declare english as my lot in life. thank heavens i already went to the grad fair and got fitted for my cap and gown. otherwise i would be committing myself to much more schooling, and perhaps an asylum.

just a spoonful of sugar

remember kathleen kelly stuffing mountains of tissues into her trench coat as joe fox knocks on her door with flowers?

that. that is how i feel.
not that tom hanks is outside with a bouquet of daisies (or newly sharpened pencils, for that matter) but i feel a complete mess of used tissues and raspy voice, mingled with some incoherent thinking and functioning.

today i ran a stop sign. just ran it. i knew it was there, but i could not cognitively conceive i needed to stop. 

being sick is most unfortunate. especially this week, as i do not have the time or patience to be sick. i need my brain to function, my nose to stop running, my throat to calm down, and the fog to lift my body so i can study, and work, and both appear and sound semi-human.

in the meantime, while the mountain of tissues scattered across my room remains in existence,

i'm resting

(propped against 5 pillows, no less).