interdigitation

i use to think that holding hands must always precede kissing. that was the order of the world. but then that became jumbled in the laundry of questions of which comes first-- the chicken or the egg-- and so, my priorities realigned. i kissed a boy before the interdigitation of fingers, because it had been a really really really long time.

the irony of the whole thing is, while the kissing was exciting and satisfying, it wasn't until we were merely conversing, and he intertwined his fingers with mine, that i melted. 
like butter on a hot role.

because as he stroked his fingers against mine i had hope rise in me that i was "cherished" {to borrow from ali}. he didn't just want some action, but i was special! holding hands severely messed with the oxytocin levels in my brain.

i am such a girl.

because that boy... nay, most boys, do not process things similarly with regard to intimacy. you'd think i would have learned this by now.

i can almost understand kissing with no feeling {recall this?} but how can you hold hands and not feel a connection?

sometimes i want to kiss this boy again when i am feeling sad, but that would only widen the void within me because i know i am nothing extraordinary to him.

what a predicament i am in. 

perhaps i should implement my man-fast once again?