thank you

right now i am so content. 

i feel grown-up and accomplished, happy, relieved, full {besides the p.f. changs and cupcakes kinda-full}, ecstatic, and extremely and immeasurably blessed. 

thank you. to everyone who believes i can do great things, who stands by me when i doubt myself, and who has helped me accomplish this wondrous dream of graduating college. i could not do it alone. and so, my deepest thanks goes to you. 

merci beaucoup!

grazie!

danke!

gracias!

arigato!

thank you, thank you. 

and thank you, again.

a tassel to celebrate

how did i arrive here? at this moment in time, where a graduation gown hangs in my closet? 

i took the ACT and AP classes, i endured american heritage, i suffered through odious professors and horrible TA's, i was a TA, i wrote paper after paper after impossible paper, i studied for hours cramming to the point of forgetting my own name, i cheered at games, i waited in line at the testing center a million and two times, i lived in a cinderblock room, i ate at the cannon center... and it all seems a blur.

4 years. gone by in a blink.
am i really qualified to graduate??

sometimes i think i am so mature. i believe i have a handle on life, that i have years of wisdom and experience.
and then, sitting with 6,000 other graduates i realize that is the most absurd thing i could ever think.

i am suppose to be an adult by now-- it all seems too hefty a thing to fathom.

during commencement today i cheered and smiled and laughed and nearly cried, but my mind was often elsewhere. college graduation was that milestone on the horizon i never thought i would actually reach. and here i am, on the cusp of a diploma, and i don't know what to do once the sun sets.

this milestone-thinking made me extraordinarily happy my parents had driven down to see me in cap-and-gown and that tomorrow, even more of my most beloved people would be there, to support me.

extra-extra-ordinarily happy. 

{my name in the program}

but.

something was missing.  

i wanted huntman there, even more than a fat kid wants cake. i kept picturing him-- wondering if he was sleeping {most likely, as it was approximately 4 a.m. his time} and what he would say to me if he was there. funny thing is no words came to mind, only the image of his crinkled eyes and huge grin mingled with the memory of his arms around me. 

oh, i wish he could have seen me today. i wish i could have shared this big step in my life with him... but there will always be more milestones.

tomorrow i am donning my blue cap-and-gown once again {convocation} and celebrating my achievement with those in america i hold closest to my heart. i can hardly wait.

if you're happy and you know it

wouldn't it be wonderful if people clapped for you every day?

i can't even fathom the great bounty of happiness that would threaten to explode the universe. 

four people clapped for me today.

and i'm going to let you in on a little *secret*... i loved it. 

i wish, i wish everyone could be applauded. every day. that would be a wonderful world. 

roids

so i'm taking steroids.

how's that for an introduction?

don't fret and get your panties in a wad-- i'm not doing roids-- at least not the beef-up-to-loose-all-sense-of-femininity to enter the mr. universe contest kind of roids {although a random man scanned my legs today and inquired if i was a runner-- oh man, that's a good joke}. no. the kind that beef up my lungs so this nasty cough makes an exit in this century.  

prednizone is a horrible, no-good steroids that make me moody and fat.

okay. not so much fat but more prone to eat anything in sight without regard to the full-meter on my belly, which certainly is on the road to weight-gain. and moody in the sense that my temperament is sensitive to the slightest passive-aggressive and/or aggravating behavior. 

yesterday after a perfect nap i went into work and my mood quickly turned sour after one such passive-aggressive incident from a co-worker. the rest of my shift i thought horrible mean things towards a man and rehearsed everything i would say to him, with a few swear words for good measure. oh i was feisty!

but today, today work was wonderful!

have you ever had a day that was far from perfect but which still made you feel validated? that you made a difference? and that you were appreciated and worthwhile? today was just that day for me.

this previously {as in yesterday}loathed individual gave me a reese peanut-butter cup for no reason {probably because i asked god to help me forgive him last night and chocolate is the way to my mercy?}. it was delicious. and if that was not grand enough everyone seemed to praise me, and thank me for my many efforts. 

the point of all this? i don't even know. just to say that chocolate helps me forgive and taking steroids is not all it's cracked up to be. but i will be grateful to such steroids when this hacking-away in the night leaves me be for good. 

obfuscate

"obfuscate".

never in the history of my life have i beheld this word. that is, until today while studying.
obfuscate. who comes up with these words?

in case you're as befuddled as i was:

obfuscate (v): "darken; to make obscure; to be evasive, unclear, or confusing". 

i was certainly obfuscated by obfuscate.  were you? or are you now?

*photo

a refund on adulthood

how wonderful are my parents?

only the best.

not only are they kind and lovely and shower me with hugs and easter candy, but my momma made delicious sloppy joes, blueberry salad, aaaaand lemon cake for sunday dinner. and since i have been coughing up my lungs as of late and had a 7 a.m. final this morning, the parentals brought it to me.  

best parents award right thurrrr.

and to top it off, my papa helped me with taxes. because despite my best efforts to be all independent and almost-college-graduate-esque, all those blank lines and fine printing with *see instructions* boggled my brain and consumed my optimism at leading a productive and healthy adult life.

so i'm not great at taxes. big deal. i'll marry an accountant. or if i want an exciting husband i'll just defer all future taxes to one of my smart accountant friends 

{kidding!... about the husband. i may still need help from my number-smart friends who don't agonize over subtracting line 16 from 9 and multiplying by 1.3%, and then calculating your net income by dividing line 673 by the amount you have paid to orphaned children- yikesapea}.

being able to do taxes doesn't mean you're grown-up, does it?
because if that is the case, my adulthood is seriously doomed. 

edjumacated

i'm graduating.

i'm g r a d u a t i n g.

i'm graduating??

{serioously?}

i'm graduating!

no matter how many times i recite this to myself, in disbelief, joy, or trepidation, it does not seem real. not until the diploma is in my hand... and even then i'm subject to denial because, hello, i am 21 freaking years old! i am not ready to be an adult. i am not ready for grown-up decisions and stresses and the dreaded-but-always-expected real life.

i am venturing into the unknown with a bachelor degree behind my name and a heap of random facts and ideas jumbled inside my noggin. how am i prepared for anything, really? i mean, other than spare time to read-- that i am way past prepared for.

yesterday marked my final day of undergraduate classes. ever. in the history of my life.

and, i concluded-- i'm just not ready.

i'm not ready to leave byu-- i still don't know the names of all the buildings {as in, the obscure ones almost off-campus}. i've never kissed a byu football/basketball/baseball player, nor have i snuck onto the rooftop of the wilk {but man i came close once with huntman}. 

next week {graduation} closes the chapter of my life where i can say "when i was at byu..." or "when i was in college"... because it's over! whaaaat??

i love the trees on campus. i love studying in the fishbowl. i love looking out the windows of the SWKT or down from the balcony of the JFSB. i love cute boys in classes. i love carrying around books and wearing my nerd glasses to class. i love dressing up to learn. i love the quiet productivity in the library. i love the sea of colors and faces and voices i immerse myself in between classes. 

and now, i am no longer a part of it. an almost-alumna, to be sure, a blue-bleeding cougar, yes, but i am no longer byu.

sad pants.

i did not love everything about byu-- i hated the initial homesickness freshman year and some choice odious professors, along with the intense pressure to find your eternal lover-- but on the whole i love byu.

 and in my current nostalgic-state, i am going to miss it. all. 

to be honest, when i think of byu i hardly remember anything concrete from a class lecture. what i do remember is: late night studying with roommates, mojitos, football cheers, mackenzie burning garlic, concerts, the spontaneity of midnight denny runs and icecream for dinner, horrendous and hilarious dates, sliding down the icy hill in heels after church, cuddling with boys, youtube videos, countdown to christmas break, knowing i came to the right place 4 years ago, grey's nights, our secret hamster, cupcakes, moving all around provo, the rubber-band game, cherry brownies, wearing ridiculous attire for various reasons, movies in the park, roommates' boyfriends/fiances/husbands, pesto pasta, laugh-attacks, facebook stalking, the freshman firedrill...

so, so many memories and such fondness these college years will have in my heart.

now i suppose i am writing a new chapter, into which i will put a great many memories that are in-the-making.

my life: post-byu.

it's gonna be a gooood chapter, i can feel it!  

if boys only knew...

i am quite certain boys would be incredulous if they ever found out how much girls obsess over details.

for instance:

ali and i debated for 10 whole minutes in the grocery store which pasta -- farfalle, cavatappi, or campanelli-- we should buy and then proceeded to perplex with angst the second side dish for another 10 minutes, if not more. because you cannot have bread if you're having pasta--obviously-- too much grain. plus it would throw off the color pallet. oy vey. 

so we called my momma in our desperation-- girls have to stick together with this detail-business. 

as a disclaimer we're not usually like this.  but when it counts {as in, boys are coming over for sunday dinner} you've got to make an impression {by seducing them with cupcakes and having the perfect meal, no doubt}.  

it is highly unlikely these boys will even notice the fancy-folded napkins, or the sparkling clean floor, and i am especially suspicious that they will remember which noodles we chose... but girls will be girls, and so the details count. men may be oblivious to our perfectly-coordinated outfit and the colorfulness of the entree but today, i am putting forth an effort at domesticity, and crossing my fingers it goes smoothly. 

butter-me-up

dear future lover, 

flattery can get you a looooong way.

not the cheese-ball-flattery caked in sarcasm-and-sexism-- the sincere kind.

the small, kind compliment that i'll remember, that makes me smile inside. the compliment that makes me realize you notice the trite and minute details that accumulate who i am.  

when you grant me such flattery {as i hope you will} not only will i love you for it but i will remember it, in future mornings.  and in the early light of those dawns, i will muse over my reflection and catch a glimpse of hope that your words just might be right.

i tend to get squeemish when certain boys call me "gorgeous" or what-not, because i catch the vibe of a creep-mongrel who prefers mackin' as opposed to anything else. not that this is a regular occurrence {the compliments or the mackin'} mind you, dear future hubster, but these compliments... they feel forced with underlying ulterior motives, and i cannot accept them nor do i believe them.

and so, i welcome with open arms sincere boys. like you. because i hope that when you say something, you mean it. and when you look me in the eyes, you will see much more than done-up eyes or smudged eyeliner. you will see me.  

i do believe the world is
in short supply of 

genuine men. 

sincere. kind. authentic. that is the man i want, one day. 

you can still tell me when i have broccoli in my teeth, remind me to eat when i'm ms. grumpy-pants, or lightly embarrass me by telling the story of when i fell up the stairs to our friends... but

when you spontaneously butter-me-up, i will melt,

 and in return, i promise to fawn over your many manly qualities.

in which case, you'll most likely get lucky. 

 so, i'd take note if i were you.

sincerely, 
 your future girl {who doesn't mind a little genuine flattery}

optimistic

"optimism is the foundation of courage."  
- nicholas murray butler -

"cultivate an attitude of happiness. 
cultivate a spirit of optimism. 
walk with faith, 
rejoicing
 in the beauties of nature, 
in the goodness of those you love
...
look for the remarkable good
 ...
speak of one another’s virtues
 more than faults, 
that optimism replace pessimism, 
that our faith exceeds our fears."
 - gordon b. hinckley -

without optimism, i would be a sorry waste of organs. this optimism is tangible when you reach for it. and today, terrified and jumbled i reached, and the clouds are parting to reveal a bounty of sunshine. 

puppy love

i have taken to snacking on chow mein noodles. and my new favorite thing? strawberry-mint milkshake.

fresh strawberries + fresh fresh mint + vanilla bean ice cream = deliciousness!

also... i want a puppy. badly.

i held this little fellow today...

 and he reminded me of my bandit i had once upon a yesterday.

{i'm 14 in the picture below-- eek!... and not looking at the camera? what's new..} 

i am envisioning white picket fences... not for the husband and children running amok but for puppies. puppies bounding through blades of grass nearly their height. oh bliss. how i wish i had a yard and a house just so i could have a puppy!

i suppose, for now, i will settle into this rented apartment and be puppy-less. one thing is for certain-- i am having puppies before babies. and that's that. .

singing in the rain

i am not one to ever sing aloud. 
i do at church, and in the shower, and in my car. always always when others can drown me out or are not in earshot range.

which made me decide... the day when i can sing in front of a boy-- really sing-- without ingrid as my backup, completely unabashed by my flat weak voice-- will be the day i know i am in love with a boy. 
that will be a symbol that i love him enough to not care about my insecurities, and a sign that he loves me when he does not run away.

and then, then i will sing with him as we dance in the rain.

in queue

i'm attempting to summon the courage to ask a boy out. it's been a year since i've attempted this, and the fiasco with home teacher man did not end well...not because i asked him on a date, but more because he was semi-dating my friend, too. i still get a kick out of that one.

but i digress...

there are 2 boys in queue.

numero uno: adorable in the most innocent and nerdy of fashions... but along with his naive charm he is terribly and hopelessly clueless. and so, i am summoning courage to give him a hint but not run him over with forwardness because that is bad-news-bears.

numero dos: is... well, i don't quite know yet what he is. i do know, however, that he is darling, and randomly hums {which, i simply love}. 

and while these boys are in queue {akin to netflix?}, i still have visions of sugar plums and huntman dancing in my head.  it's officially april, which means august is in 4 months-- maybe rebecca black should write a song about it??

 {bridge}

this month it is april, april

next month it is may-hay, may-hay

we so excited

we gonna have a ball today.

june comes after may-hay, may-hay

and july comes after...wards.

then it's... august august 

huntman comes home in august

fun fun fun fun

looking forward to the summer's end!

i should go pro with this lyric business, right?

p to the s-- i saw home teacher man while driving the other day. i laughed in his general direction.