butterflies

i use to feel butterflies every time huntman looked at me. when we kissed, my knees {or his} would weaken.

the color rises in my cheeks easily when boys insinuate something

 or leave a trace of a compliment.

but it has been ages since i felt butterflies.

until
i saw bearded man again.

my stomach churned as i suppressed a girly grin and my heart quickened.

so you can imagine my disposition when, a few hours later, i was informed that he had a girlfriend of 6 months.

damn it. damn butterflies to hell.

psychoanalyze

the problem with graduating in psychology is two fold.

first, i don't have a real job.

second, i psychoanalyze myself.
i am a smart cookie; this brain of mine sneakily winds around loopholes to the land of justification. i am terribly clever and cunning, and above all persuasive to myself. i convince myself banana cream cupcakes are healthy because of all the dairy and bananas. i momentarily believe, in those transcendental seconds after i hit snooze, that no one will notice if i don't show up for work. and don't even get me started on my clever conjectures about the land of butterflies, men, and heartbreak which somehow always turn out to be false.

however, the facade never lasts long. if i sift things through my psychology prowess, the excuses dissolve and my raw motives are exposed. don't you hate being human sometimes?

it's hard when you realize you put up your defenses and illogical reasoning because you're afraid--of the unknown, the future, change, commitment, loneliness.


i am trying to decide what to do in 10 short weeks-- weigh the pros and cons while measuring my gut reaction. should i broaden my horizons to include palm trees and make the trek to arizona, to live with my brother (while he completes his anesthesia residency) and start a new and scary chapter of life? should i stay in provo with friends, a stable income, and co-workers i love, but at a job that is beginning to fester my contentment? should i make the move north and discover what my life in the city could be, while still being relatively close to family and friends? or should i move to guam? (somewhere completely unreasonable)

decisions, decisions.

meanwhile, i'm working on this for a friend's wedding, setting aside plenty of time to play with my sister and the kiddos (who just arrived in town-- horray!), making banana cream pie cupcakes (rather divine. my co-workers boast they're the best i've ever made), and reading this.

not to mention laundry. that mountain never ends, does it??

agency and guidance

i have not spoken in sacrament meeting since i was in young women's. 

ai carrrrrumba!

if you care to read what i will be sharing in approximately 12 hours, here she is. 

i realize this is probably unorthodox for a blog but do i care? this week, not really at all. 

 

The topic I have been given is an interesting one, and a tender spot for me. When Brother Carey asked me to speak I excitedly acquiesced but when I read the email stating the topic, part of me wanted to resign. I feel under qualified but I hope my words, with the spirit, might touch your heart.

We are all familiar with personal revelation. In the past conference there were several mentions of revelation, angels, and the holy ghost. Objectively and with hindsight, it seems easy-enough-to understand. I had this feeling, I followed the prompting, and HAZZAH! Life worked out.

However, the actual act of receiving personal revelation and understanding whether it is revelation or not can be tricky. All of us have wondered “was that just me wanting what I want, or was it the Holy Ghost inspiring me?”

Brother Carey asked me to focus on “free agency and guidance from the Holy Ghost”.  While there are dozens of discourses on personal revelation, I will be primarily quoting four General Authorities’ words: Neal A. Maxwell, Boyd K. Packer, Dallin H. Oaks, and Richard G. Scott.

Agency

Even in the garden of Eden, agency and accountability were present. Eve chose the fruit, her husband followed suit. After the Fall (which was necessary to the plan of salvation) Abel served God faithfully but Cain chose Satan. David triumphed over Goliath but fell into the adversary’s hands and Bathsheba’s arms. Nephi built a boat while Laman and Lemuel murmered. King Benjamin united his people in the love of God whereas King Noah destroyed generations of faith.

Each of these souls, as well as every other soul born on earth, are given two blessings without question: the light of Christ, to enlighten us during our second estate, and the ability to choose of our own free will-- agency.  

“Our agency is preserved by the fact that as we approach a given moment, we do not know what our response will be.  Meanwhile, God has forseen what we will do and has taken our decision into account so that His purposes are not frustrated…By Foreseeing, God can plan and His purposes can be fulfilled, but He does this in a way that does not in the least compromise our individual free agency.”

-          Elder Maxwell, All These Things Shall Give Thee Experience

“You have your agency, and inspiration does not—perhaps cannot—flow unless you ask for it…. No message in scripture is repeated more often than the invitation, even the command, to pray—to ask. Prayer is so essential a part of revelation that without it the veil may remain closed to you. Learn to pray. Pray often. Pray in your mind, in your heart. Pray on your knees.”

-          Boyd K. Packer

Prayer and Study

Why is prayer so essential to revelation? I love how Elder Maxwell phrases it:

“Prayer is that point where the agency of man meets the omniscience of God.”

“So very much of pure prayer seems to be the process of first discovering, rather than requesting, the will of our Father in heaven and then aligning ourselves therewith…it is vital, therefore, that we open our souls to Him and tell Him what our concerns are now, as well as acknowledge what we now are, for this is a part of the process of aligning ourselves with His will.”

-          Elder Maxwell

This doctrine amazes me—discovering and then aligning ourselves with God’s will through prayer. This is something I am working on, but one thing that has helped me is to ask to know God’s will and then pray for the courage to follow it.  

Revelation is not easy, but Elder Scott has excellent counsel:

“When I am faced with a very difficult matter, this is how I try to understand what to do. I fast. I pray to find and understand scriptures that will be helpful. That process is cyclical. I start reading a passage of scripture; I ponder what the verse means and pray for inspiration. I then ponder and pray to know if I have captured all the Lord wants me to do. Often more impressions come with increased understanding of doctrine. I have found that pattern to be a good way to learn from the scriptures.”

Elder Scott combines fasting, prayer, pondering, the word of God, and recording inspiration or impressions. The Lord counsels us in the Doctrine and Covenants that

“you must study it out in your mind; then you must ask me if it be right, and if it is right I will cause that your bosom shall burn within you; therefore, you shall feel that it is right.”

I am a firm believer in recording spiritual impressions, especially priesthood blessings.  That has been such a comfort to me—to look over previous blessings my father has pronounced on me and be reassured that everything will work out, and to recall spiritual impressions I might have forgotten.

Understanding the Holy Ghost

If we were to all take personality tests in this room, we would cover the full spectrum. Introverts, extroverts, blue, red, yellow, you name it. Just as there are varying personalities there are various ways of feeling the Spirit.  No two people are identical in their spiritual experiences. 

I suggest that we all read our patriarchal blessing and look for phrases in regards to the Holy Ghost, revelation, or prayer.

It is apparent in my own patriarchal blessing that Heavenly Father understands my predisposition to use intuition—phrases that I will “sense and know the desires of my Heavenly Father”, or that through the scriptures I will “feel, sense, and hear” his counsel further affirm that I am His daughter and He knows me personally.

General Authorities offer different ways we can experience the Holy Ghost when we are seeking revelation. Elder Dallin H. Oaks stated in a devotional to BYU students,

“Revelation is communication from God to man. It can occur in many different ways. Some prophets, like Moses and Joseph Smith, have talked with God face to face. Some persons have had personal communication with angels. Other revelations have come…“through the dreams of sleep or in waking visions of the mind.

In its more familiar forms, revelation or inspiration comes by means of words or thoughts communicated to the mind, by sudden enlightenment, by positive or negative feelings about proposed courses of action, or even by inspiring performances, as in the performing arts.”

President Boyd K. Packer offers that

“the burning in the bosom {spoken of in the scriptures} is not purely a physical sensation. It is more like a warm light shining within your being.  The Holy Ghost speaks with a voice that you feel more than you hear. It is described as a “still small voice.” And while we speak of “listening” to the whisperings of the Spirit, most often one describes a spiritual prompting by saying, “I had a feeling …”

Elder Scott adds that “two indicators that a feeling or prompting comes from God are that it produces peace in your heart and a quiet, warm feeling”

Many scriptural references on revelation include the Spirit enlightening both the mind and heart.  Enos described the voice of the Lord coming into his mind. President Romney affirmed this, acknowledging he was personally well-acquainted with the Spirit coming into his mind in words and sentences.

Furthermore, a good scripture to judge by is incidentally quite short and President Hinckley’s favorite: D&C 50:24

“And that which doth not edify is not of God, and is darkness.”

Enhancing Revelation

There are tricks to enhance revelation. We must be in-tune and worthy of the Holy Ghost. President Packer warned of vital areas to be aware of when seeking revelation-- make sure you are abiding by the Word of Wisdom (including adequate rest and food). Enjoy wholesome music.  Be reverent, visit the temple, avoid and shun temptation.

Elder Scott urges us to not yield to emotions of hurt, anger, or pride

“Humility is a fertile soil where spirituality grows and produces the fruit of inspiration to know what to do. It gives access to divine power to accomplish what must be done.

Our Heavenly Father did not put us on earth to fail but to succeed gloriously. It may seem paradoxical, but that is why recognizing answers to prayer can sometimes be very difficult. Sometimes we unwisely try to face life by depending on our own experience and capacity. It is much wiser for us to seek through prayer and divine inspiration to know what to do. Our obedience assures that when required, we can qualify for divine power to accomplish an inspired objective.”

I am an independent girl.  It is hard for me to accept help but I have learned in the last year the importance of humility, that I can’t do this—any of this—on my own.

About 8 months ago, I was in the depths of a decision and heartache. I battled with trying to decipher what I wanted and what the Lord wanted.  Sometimes when I prayed I wanted to just throw my hands up and say “Okay God, just tell me what to do because this is too hard!”

But he didn’t, because I had to utilize my agency and come to my own conclusion. Because He loved me, and knew I needed to grow.  

So I made my decision, and I prayed like crazy. I went to the temple. I read the scriptures, my patriarchal blessing.  I did everything in my power, I received a witness in my mind and in my heart. But there was a missing piece to the puzzle, and seemingly overnight everything fell apart. In the aftermath I asked my friend how to reconcile my spiritual experiences with what happened. She told me “we receive impressions for different reasons, for things that we mortally cannot comprehend or for things that never come to pass”

Then she asked what I had learned from the experience.

Here’s what I learned:

Tender mercies exist.  The Lord is my older brother—he loves me and supports me, he understands my heart, knows when I hurt, and He can heal me.  Completely.  He has given me strength and courage beyond what I am capable of. God has a plan for me—and it’s bigger than I can understand. The priesthood is real, God’s promises are real. God answers prayers, and His word is the way to peace and happiness. My family and friends are angels, and my family on the other side are rooting for me.

God will help you know what is right. Oftentimes it is difficult to differentiate between our wants and the spirit but I promise that He will not lead you astray; if you follow the Holy Ghost you will be on the path you need to be. When your desires, even righteous desires, are not in accordance with God’s will or plan for you, it is hard. Believe me, I know. But I love this quote by Elder Maxwell:

“The time will come when we will thank Him for saying ‘no’ to us in regard to some of our petitions.  Happily, God in His omniscience can distinguish between our surface needs (over which we pray most fervently) and our deep and eternal needs.  He can distinguish what we ask for today and place it in relationship to what we need for all eternity.  He will bless us, according to our everlasting good, if we are righteous”

-          Elder Maxwell

“So trusting my all to thy tender care, and knowing thou lovest me, I’ll do thy will with a heart sincere: I’ll be what you want me to be”

beards

i've never been one for beards.

a nicely shaven goatee, i can get around that.
a mustache? never. i strictly believe no one under the age of 35 should acquire a mustache. if you're over 35 or tom selleck, then grow out that stache. if you do not fall into those two categories, you look like a creeper.



on friday, i decided i could like a bearded man.

and today, when i saw him again, i smiled and his brown eyes made me stumble over my explanation of how things work at the depot.

i guess beards are growing on me. {not literally. but you catch my drift?}

a yogurt quest

i recently undertook a very serious quest-- to find the best yogurt in america {according to my tastebuds}.


i thought i was not a yogurt girl. turns out, i love the stuff.
when i was visiting my sister in germany i ate this blueberry concoction of heavenly dairy and i was fully converted. they don't have the same fda regulations as we do, so who knows what was it in, but me oh my! i am all about the texture of food, and this german yogurt was creamy without strangling your uvula and triggering the gag reflex.

upon my return to america, i was forlorn to no longer play all the day long with my sister, the kiddos, and her awesome and funny husband. to a lesser degree i was also melancholy about the food situation-- no more german chocolate around every corner and no more german yogurt of the gods.

and so the quest began.
yoplait-- definitely out. i mean, the vanilla is okay with granola but something about that texture. fruit at the bottom? gross. i mean, eww. naaaasty!

so i broadened my horizons and discovered the array of yogurt at harmons.
i bought about 8 different brands of yogurt, with varying flavors, determined to find the best.
and i did. trial and error my friend, trial and error.

a non-inclusive list of worst to best:
if ever you thought almond milk was a good base for yogurt, think again unless you like to dry heave.

if ever you thought yogurt with a kangeroo on it would be adventurous, you're probably right. but not in the way you're hoping.

if ever you thought tillamook yogurt would be delicious because their cheese is phenomenal, congratulations! because that is 100% accurate. {also, according to my bestie, it's because tillamook is from oregon and therefore wonderful. probably true}. i'm loving the marionberry, huckleberry, and peach.

the BEST yogurt there is, in my humble yogurt opinion, is noosa. creamy and good it's the closest thing i've found to german yogurt. every time it is perfect. 8 oz. with 18 grams of fiber and not a million calories. quite filling. blueberry is by far my favorite, but mango and strawberry are pretty snazzy too.

so there you have it. you are welcome, for saving you the trouble of trying a million different yogurts. go buy some tillamook or noosa. you'll be glad you did.

behind on the trends

for the record, i have no idea what is going on with blogger. my pictures are all big black boxes with a giant exclamation point where a skull should be? i don't even know.

what i do know is i am faaaaar behind on the trends.
for instance, the ladies are half-shaving their heads? {ahem, rihanna} and boys are bringing the mullet and rat tails back with full-force.

another thing i take issue with: greek yogurt. what is this crap? it's sour cream in cleverly disguised packaging people!

also. i'm just going to mention it-- vajazzaling. {vajayjay + bedazzling}. go ask your health teacher about that one.



but as my friend said on a long lunch from work today,
"if that's the territory of being old-- not knowing about these things-- i am okay with being old"


i couldn't agree more.

11 things to say before i sleep

now that it's summer, there are a few things i must say.

1. i can't stop thinking about baseball games. not that baseball is terribly interesting, but the act of wearing shorts and sunglasses, getting a churro and singing "take me out to the ballgame" encompass summer to me. i'm already planning an outing.

2. also, i need a sno-cone. stat.

3. a buddy is hooking me up with INSANITY {workout}. the reality that i'm considering this probably verifies i'm crazy, but i weigh the most i ever have. it's time to shed the love handles for my cute coral polka-dot swimsuit.

4. speaking of love handles, it's a miracle i'm alive because i consumed three, yes three, deep fried oreos. they were delish but, i almost died. heart and stomach stopped. {don't judge. it was a one-time deal}

5. men should never wear tank tops. even if you have nice arms, you still look like a douche bag.

6. now that may is halfway gone, i have to deal with what i'm going to do in 3 short months. i hate reality sometimes.

7. do you know what else i hate? strappy black heels. don't try and sexify your feet, it ain't gonna happen because feet are not attractive. plus, said heels are highly uncomfortable.

8. all i want to do is watch all the harry potter's simultaneously. while my bestie was at harry potter world and i was dying with envy, i made butterbeer cupcakes. not my favorite but not bad.

9. i got a new phone-- the samsung galaxy s II-- and i'm in love. i can now see why people are so obsessed with the fancy new smartphones.

10. grey's anatomy {season finale} broke my heart tonight-- great big alligator tears. i want to pretend what happened didn't happen. because when two people are meant to be together, isn't everything suppose to work out?? i want to believe that.

11. ali introduced me to the fray's cover of kiss me. can't stop listening.

aaaaaand goodnight.

kissing

my thoughts keep flittering back. i'm putting on eyeliner and there we are, grinning and giggling wrapped together in a blanket at a bonfire. i'm driving down 800 east and he's suddenly holding my hand. my body remembers him. i try to forget.

one week before we said goodbye indefinitely, i leaned into him as we walked outside, utterly content. we stood next to his little red truck and i kissed him, until he put his hand through my hair. we caught our breath and i was happy. i wouldn't let him open his door, asking for one more kiss. and another. and another. he heartily complied. i held my arms against the cold as he backed away in his truck and i sighed and smiled. i have not been kissed like i need since that november night. 

it was a beautiful love story while it lasted. 

i ran the calculations: my last "first kiss" was approximately 16 months ago. which equals out to two men in two + years. how 'bout that? not too shabby. my mother would be {is} proud. 

i find the first kiss to always be intimidating-- you don't know quite what to expect. you fear the worst: chapped lips, wandering hands, bad breath, too much saliva, too much tongue, too much biting. you catch my drift.  but while you fear the worst, you can't help but hope for the best: soft lips, gentle and passionate, hands in the hair, heavenly breath, and no pushing the envelope. 

today, a co-worker and i were discussing kissing {and the drought thereof} and it dawned on me-- i am more than apprehensive about my next "first kiss". {not that it's happening in the near future, mind you} i forget how these things work-- does he go 90% and i go 10%? gum or no gum? i've been so accustomed to two styles of kissing, what if the next is completely different? 

i'm sure things will all work out when the moment comes. as my favorite movie advises: "it'll come".

currently obsessed

currently obsessed. i listen to it every day on the way to work.


i'm also loving king and lionheart
yellow light
and especially lakehouse.

every version of skinny love {originally by bon iver} is lovely, but i can't get enough of this one.

and who doesn't love a little jason mraz?

an ex something-or-other

do you ever wonder,
"what. in the. hell. was i thinking?"


i went to costco on a work-errand today, and the turkey-provolone sandwich was mighty tempting. while standing in line awaiting a delectable lunch, staring at my cardboard box filled with cookies and potato salad {for tonight's relief society activity}, i glanced up at the precise moment an ex-boy-thing strolled by.

i have seen him twice since i broke up the relationship that didn't actually exist.  the first encounter, i nearly dove into prickly bushes; the second, i escaped a dimly-lit dance party before recognition could dawn on him. which,less eloquently put: i ran away.

today at costco we both 'pretended' we didn't see each other-- there was no acknowledgement, no eye contact. clearly things ended well.
i resumed staring at my box, he walked on.

but it wasn't before i noticed how terrible he looked. terrrrrible!
like, akin to a crack addict. slumped shoulders, gross plaid, flat matted hair, and this awful scruff of a face. hygiene was questionable.

at that moment i had no fight-or-flight reaction, no feeling, other than

"what in the world was i thinking when i let that disaster happen two + years ago?"

it's comforting to know everyone has that experience-- the " 'what. in the. hell. was i thinking?' moment" in regard to an ex-something-or-other. i pray i never make that mistake again and look back and think, "girl, what were you thinking?"

he is

sometimes i wake up and my heart hurts. it's not heartburn or indigestion, it's the occasional dreams of huntman. we talk and things are okay.
i miss that.

once he was my favorite person. now we avoid each other like the plague. it's a terrible irony.
saying goodbye to him on a sunny december day was the worst day of my life. i must have cried oceans.

it's morose to not know where he is, what he's doing.
i saw his sister last week at a wedding and i timidly asked, "is he happy?"

he is.

which strangely gave me joy and heartache, all at once. because my old friend was happy, but he was happy without me. i bit my bottom lip to keep it from trembling, and tears slid down my cheeks as i held on tight to his sister-- the closest thing to the life i thought i would have forever.

grocery shopping

i went grocery shopping while hungry. oops. i might have bought the whole of harmons. all at once i wanted fruit, mexican, italian, and cheese. and oreos, always oreos.

ask me something important

i survived a marathon of weddings in one piece.
thank the heavens.

the brides were beautiful, the food fantastic, and the decor pinterest-perfect.
it was all lovely, except i was asked one question, repeatedly:

"so, are you dating anyone?"

as if that is the most important thing in my life right now. when i reply with "nope" they just sympathetically nod and pity me with their eyes, before sighing and floundering for another topic to occupy the superficial small talk. you'd think i was reaching spinster status at the age of 22. sheesh.

why can't people ask about my interests, 

what i like to do with my time, 

what i plan to do with my life?? 

if i've read any good books lately, 

tried any new recipes, 

what my opinion is on sex trafficking or the objectification of women?

that is much more informative and interesting than
  "well there's this generic boy and..."

i hate that whether you're dating someone somehow defines you. there is this inherent trace of sadness in people's reaction to me stilllll being single, that i surely cannot be happy alone, or i'm simply not trying hard enough to find my eternal companion.

let me level with you: i am content to be single. 

sure, i miss the hand holding and who doesn't love a good make-out? but frankly, i have more important things to worry about besides boys-- employment, my future career path, plans after summer, projects i need to complete, old friends to see, church callings, laundry... the list goes on.

but while we're on the topic, i am going to enlighten and entertain you with a few recent dating escapades to prove i am not a spinster. we are venturing into the territory of blind dates. hazzah!

*i have not before mentioned these stories from some irrational fear these men would read about themselves. but then i realized, i will never speak to these men again so long as we both shall live, so let the story telling begin!

1. my first blind date was in january. we'll call him kacey.
my good friend and his wife set me up with his old mission buddy. the four of us doubled and the evening was actually fun-- in 'n out, nicklecade, and cupcakes.
now would be a good time to mention that i have a keen sense of discernment-- i know within minutes if i will "jive" with someone. it's just how it is. kacey, bless his heart, was not my type-- theater buff, short, very concerned with his hair, and he said the phrase "super duper". twice.
it was that awkward goodbye where neither of you says "we should do this again sometime!" and that was perfectly fine for the both of us.
then he friend requested me? haven't talked to him since. 

2. second blind date, approximately february. we'll call him harry.

i opened the door and the lighting nearly made me jump-- his neck looked like blood was trailing down beneath his shirt. that, or severe scarring from a bear attack. on closer inspection, it was hair. his dark chest hair grew in thick tufts up his neck, literally coming one full inch above his t-shirt! i've never seen anything like it-- and i see hairy men every day at home depot! needless to say i was distracted for most of the evening. i mean, how do you not stare at the hairiest man you've ever beheld? in actuality, the evening was grand-- doubling with two friends from my ward we played miniature golf and warmed up with starbucks caramel apple cider. my friend, who set us up, warned me it probably wouldn't work so there were no hard feelings when our opinions clashed and harry never got my number.

3. third blind date, end of march. we'll call him wes.
my friend kortney had been begging to set me up with one of his friends for months. finally i said "yes", he showed wes my picture, wes thought i was cute, wes called. he was charming and funny on the phone, and we set up a date. kortney kept saying "i've got a feeling about this one", i got nervous, but he made me promise i would name our first-born after him if things worked out.

looks like i won't be having a child named kortney.

wes was kind, cute, funny, and sincere. he opened my door and bought me a crepe {@ rolled up crepes-- yum!}. we talked for a few hours and i had a genuinely good time. a great first date in my books.  as luck would have it, he never called again. how bout that?

"and that's the day we found out wes likes boys"

there you have it. i could be dating 'super duper' and big foot, but they're just not my type. i'm holding out for a manly reasonably-hairy gentleman who's a "good egg". until that day comes, i have plenty of things to occupy my time with. 

so, if you please, don't ask if i'm dating anyone. 

ask me something important.

the rules to being a gentleman

do you know what i find dashing?
gentlemen in cardigans.

i calculated the amount of cardigans i own-- it's in the twenties.
and since i am so highly obsessed with cardigans, it only seems fitting that i fawn over men wearing cardigans, with a crisp collar and tie peeking through.

i also love a gentlemen-- manners, confidence, and etiquette. a man who was "raised right" {as my mother likes to say} is few and far between these days. what abounds are a great many tool sheds. so when you meet a man who minds his manners and looks after the small things {like helping you put on your own cardigan} it makes you do a double-take. that man, coupled with a fervor for equality of the sexes and respect for your opinion... well, i daresay that man might be perfect.

incendiary

while i was in my slice of heaven at powell's bookstore in portland, i seized a book and brought it home with me. i had great expectations for this book.

the same author had written another book {little bee} which changed my perspective. it changed me. and i loved the book for it-- the heartache and humor, the characters raw with human flaws and kindness. truth be told, i would recommend that book to anyone. my momma just finished it and she would do the same.


so you can imagine my chagrin when i read "incendiary". the back of the cover drew me in:

A distraught woman writes a letter to Osama bin Laden after her four-year-old son and her husband are killed in a massive suicide bomb attack at a soccer match in London. In an emotionally raw voice alive with grief, compassion, and startling humor, she tries to convince Osama to abandon his terror campaign by revealing to him the desperate sadness—"I am a woman built on the wreckage of myself"—and the broken heart of a working-class life blown apart.

seems riveting right? original, sad, but a statement. page after page i sunk into the woman's insanity, frantically reading with the hope things would turn around. because they had to, didn't they? her life was so utterly awful and graphic there had to be a silver lining, somewhere.
no.
everything ended terribly and i felt empty and utterly traumatized.

today a co-worker had a crumbled petal in his hair-- i immediately feared it was a piece of flesh. disturbing, i know. i have never read something so graphic. the detail was marvelous and terrifying. it was all i could do not to replay the explosion of people, skin melting and blood oozing as chunks of flesh rained from the sky, littering a soccer field.

*shiver*


what do you do when you hate a book but you can't stop thinking about it?
begin a new one.
which is precisely what i intend on doing tonight.