forgiveness

i sincerely hope that one day
when i see you in the crowd and our eyes meet
and our steps bring us closer and closer
i'll raise my hand in hesitation, but grasp yours firmly
and we will smile
perhaps words will fail
          perhaps not
but
after a moment it will be understood
that i forgive you, and you forgive me
my apology will glint off my amber eyes,
for brushing you away
and yours, yours will reach me through your calloused fingertips
you never meant to hurt me
i know now.

and mistake or not, what's past it past

then we will animately discuss our lives
what has happened since the last glance we took of one another
so long ago
in tears or frustration or denial or innocence

i hope this day will come.

because today i saw you.
i did not want to grasp your hand.
i thought forgiveness had permeated my memory of you...
but in that moment i simply wanted to disappear under the brim of my hat.
as i saw your familiar lanky frame my stomach nearly lurched me
into the bushes to hide my guilt, my anger,
at you,
because of you.

i felt manipulated all over again.

i am still trying to forgive and be forgiven.
       i am still learning the miracle of forgiveness.

so old friend
please forgive me, i'm trying to forgive you.