empty bottle jazz

i was really excited about superman-- he was turned around in his seat all through the previews of iron man 2 to talk to me! and not only is he beautiful, but fascinating. and fantastically smart. and then he drove me home  and we sang gnarles barkley to each other, and i tried really hard not to stare, or blush when he smiled at me.
i was also quite excited about lance.  a highly attractive young man at home depot. through our limited interaction saturday we smiled and made eye contact. no biggie. until his father {some time later} asked for my number {to give to his 22 year old son (lance) who apparently wouldn't stop talking about me}. lance called me today, and we're going out friday!

really exciting.

totally jazzed. 

life is good.

i was also really excited to talk to huntman. it's been 5 months since i've heard his voice.
i wish i could bottle it up, capture the deep warmth of his words and his rich laugh.  it's like honey goodness. 
i was also quite anxious. that's what excitement is partially, right? anxiety. mixed with some dread. what do you say to your best friend around the world? what can you say in a matter of minutes that you've been storing in your reservoir of thoughts for 5 months? what do you explain that can't be stated in an email?
what?

my favorite thing about huntman is the silence. because it's comfortable. we did plenty of talking, but the silence is my favorite. because we're both smiling on opposite ends of the phone.
just knowing he's on the other end makes every thing okay, makes me almost feel his embrace, makes me giddy and giggly.

unfortunately, after a time it also makes me cry.

i was doing so good. at christmas i did not shed one single tear-- i was so blissfully happy after talking to him nothing in the world short of a natural disaster could bring me down.
      but this phone call . . .
i blame it on the weepiness that has been abundant this week.  once huntman said, "it shall be but a small moment" i was a goner.  i had been silently crying before, just hearing his voice and having that all-too-familiar wave of homesickness for him hit me.  but at that point of acknowledging the time that would elapse until hearing his voice again, and the even crueler amount of time before i would see his face again, i cracked and started sniffling. 

i apologized for crying, he was wonderful {as always}, and we carried on with our conversation.
the   g o o d b y e  was drawn out, with continual interruptions on both ends of, "wait-- guess what?!" and sighs and... then it was inevitable.
   goodbye is such an awful word. i wish it didn't exist.

since whispering goodbye i feel like an empty bottle, an empty bottle with no room in my emptiness to be filled by superman or lance or anyone, but huntman. it's an impenetrable void.

believe me, i know, that i must be patient, i must keep living my life without him by dating and making memories and all that jazz... but the problem is, i'm not totally jazzed anymore. i need help forgetting how perfect {to me} huntman is... because with his decadent voice fresh in my memory nothing seems as grand, nothing comes close.
 
*side note-- if you disapprove of huntman calling, please keep your comments to yourself-- not only am i emotional but he said it was okay, and i trust him.
*additional side note-- i am grateful and happy he called. beyond thankful.it was a great phone call and  remarkably marvelous to hear his voice.