stupid boys

I like to think that women in general have discovered the universal phenomenon that BOYS ARE STUPID. Plainly stated, that’s how it goes. Most of us came to that realization on the playground while primped in our flower dresses boys threw mud and taunted us with cooties, chucked paper planes and gum into our hair, and later found out it was because they… liked us?... But I digress… back to the “boys” in our lives who are of comparable ages: dense, cocky, perverted, hypocrites… etc.

Now I’m not talking here about the male species in general—please don’t misunderstand. No no no. We love the “actual men” who have learned to curb or extinguish the idiosyncrasies which pop into their manly minds and emulate genuine respect to the women they are surrounded by whether it be acquaintances, friends, or potentially a girlfriend or wife. They are wonderful, they are charming, they give us hope that little boys will one day grow up and stop throwing dirt clods and snapping our bra straps.

My observation, as of late, has been that although there are those magnificent men in the wide world (seen most observably in the form of our fathers and other such gentlemen who generally have had more life experience), some boys just never quite grow up. And if anything, they revert past their playground days to who knows where by establishing un-amiable attributes.

Example #1: Depot Boy
My bestie Chelsea recently transferred to another Home Depot store. At her work there is a lot attendant by the name of Tony (who instantly triggers an image of a dirty greasy Italian man). Anyways, he was consistently pestering my dear bestie to be set up with one of her “hot single friends”-- which I supposedly qualify as being. Following her plea to go on one date with this “winner” in order for him to leave her be, I acquiesced to let her give him my number.

She warned me he’s been inactive for a while and just recently started coming back to church, as well as the fact that he has gauged ears and a tattoo—totally totally not my thing! In fact, gross (on the gauged ears thing—tattoos are a little bit cool). BUT I figured, “Hey, I should get out every once in a while and one date won’t hurt, right? Maybe he’s a really cool guy. Maybe I can be a good influence”. Yata. Yata . Yata. Ai carumba being the end result.

So while I am working an 8 hour shift Chelsea is giving me the updates: “I gave him your number”, “He added you on Facebook!”. Of course I have to wait to see what he’s like, according to Facebook, for several more hours to ensure he’s not a complete crazy. Then I get the text of “Hey stranger”. Long story short, Tony and I text for the remainder of my shift trying to get to know each other through texting (I know, right? What is the world coming to?!) and he promises to call me the next day and we can set something up. Okay, whatever. I’m pretty indifferent to the whole thing. I check out his profile on Facebook since he “requested me as a friend”… and I just can’t see a date with this boy going well. I don’t hear from him all weekend—which honestly is fine by me, I’m the one dodging the bullet here.

THEN at lunch today I say to Chels, “You know I haven’t heard from Tony”. Apparently, once he found out I worked at Home Depot, he didn’t want to take me out. Wait a second. He works at Home Depot… Huh… Doesn’t that classify him as slightly hypocritical? Weird? Strange? Dumb-boyish-ness shining through? I think so.
As I let my mind wander I hypothesized Tony probably envisioned some dainty blonde cheerleader who googles over his muscles and can’t lift a gallon of milk. Once he found out I worked at Home Depot he was intimidated by the sheer ginormity of my arm muscles from lifting gallons of paint and packages of concrete and fertilizer. Or maybe he doesn’t like his girls in orange. . .

Regardless, to end this little fiasco and not let him get away with that complete load of crap I sent him a little text to end things the way they began.
I haven’t heard back. Peace out, Tony dear. Maybe one day you’ll be able to take out a Home Depot girl, but today is not that day and I am not that girl!

Example #2 Perverted Engaged Boy

There is a boy who epitomizes what every mother hopes their daughters never come across. A pretentious pervert who doesn’t think before he speaks and most certainly doesn’t think before he acts. No censorship on the mouth of his… he’s only got one thing on his mind. And I mean, one thing. Even the most innocent of girls can tell what that is by the way he stares you down and the innuendos he slips into conversation. Dirty dirty boy. He never quite outgrew the mud stage and decided he had better taint the rest of his life with filth.

My first encounter with this boy was several months back at my work. I had seen him around but hadn’t paid much attention. I went in one evening to check my schedule, therefore I was not on the clock. He called me into Tool Rental as I passed by. I sympathized; I know how boring work can be, especially by yourself on a week-night evening when there are all but 7 customers in the store. I did not know what kind of a boy he was or I never would have subjected myself to such an encounter.

He began the conversation by asking if I was single-- some people apparently had wanted to know. He then asked if I was a virgin. Um… not a typical question to ask during a first conversation… I promptly replied that yes, yes I was and yes I will remain until married! He pushed with a leer of “well, how good of a Mormon girl are you?” I don’t drink, do drugs, or have sex! Nor have I. By now I’m more than creeped out. I change the subject—inquiring about the ring he was wearing on his freaking ring finger!

He sighed, “Yeah... I’m engaged. Getting married in the SL temple in April”

Sweet. He’s engaged. This is good. I can run away now.

He then proceeded to tell me that he was sent home from his mission early for having sex with one of the members! (and no, this is not the girl he’s marrying) Keep in mind, this is well within the first 5 minutes of our conversation. BUT, he rationalizes, that it was because he had been “Dear Johned”, and his companion just “happened” to not wake up, and one thing led to another and… Ohhh… how do you react to that? If I recall correctly, isn’t there a rule you’re not really suppose to bring up past transgressions? And being sent home from your mission early by disregarding you own and another person’s chastity is not really something to be bragging about or telling some wide-eyed girl in your first conversation with her.

Then he says, and I quote:
“You know, if I wasn’t engaged I would so totally be hitting on you and we would so totally be going on dates”.

That’s when I giggled nervously, excused myself, and ran away from Tool Rental.

He still waves at me every time I go past and complains that I don’t come visit him. And just WHY would I subject myself to that again? After a time he stopped being completely creepy—you would just notice it as he stared at you and everything else female that moves—even though, might I remind you, he’s engaged!

Then on valentine’s day, that joyous love day, I was working. Sitting in the break room eating some Ritz, he came in to clock out. I decided I should take the high road, be nice, since it was Valentine’s and all. We began a casual conversation about the sugar cookies they had bought for us employees, specifically about the bright blue frosting on one of them. He was saying how sugar cookies were so rewarding. Mmm yes I mused.

“Do you know what else would be rewarding?... (eyebrow raise)… a lap dance from you”
“What?!?!”
“Nothing nothing…” and he clocked out and ran away.

Per. Vert.

How did we go from cookies to lap dances? One thing, and one thing only, I tell you is on his mind.
A few days later he brought in his fiancée. I was so tempted to say, "Hey, did you know your fiancee is an unmitigated disgusting little boy who basically requested a lap dance from me? Oh yes, and also that he hits on girls who are underage-- as in high schoolers?!? Yeah, you're planning on being sealed to him.  Might want to rethink that one". 

One more comment and I’m going to HR because he is ridiculous. Stupid perverted engaged boy.

Extreme examples? Perhaps.  But boys are stupid.  Men are wonderful.

We're far past kindergarten-- we can stop being jerk-faces, little boys.  Want to be a man? Respect women by curbing crude thoughts that spring from your lips and extinguish the little lies you love to tell us. Be wonderful and charming-- maybe one day we"ll classify you as a man rather than a digressing little boy.