today

today I saw huntman.

today i saw a cowboy with wranglers, boots, and a hat.
i saw his jawline and sideburns, his nose.
i saw the curling of his smile.
i saw his broad shoulders.
i saw his strong hands.

today i saw a perfect stranger. today that perfect stranger resembled huntman so much I thought it was him. i did a double take, and then a triple. and then i stared. when my rational caught up with my senses it hit me that hunter is half way around the world.

today my heart felt raw. this young man who might have been his twin stared right back, no recollection of who i am because we have never met. and yet, for a split second I expected he would, that he would know me, what i was feeling and how much he looked like huntman. but he did not, he could not.

“dear john” is not the movie to see right after you thought you just saw the man you love who you have not seen in almost 8 months. no. that is a terrible terrible thing to do. because the characters have long absences from one another, because they write letters, because they talk about missing each other so much it hurts, because these actors convey an inkling of what i am feeling. because watching them made me remember things I have not allowed myself to think about in 8 months, things I have shoved so far back into my subconscious Freud would have a hard time recovering them: promises before i left wyoming, our final hug, kiss, and glance, his voice, how I feel completely at home and safe when i am with him.

today i am not okay. most days i’m tough, i’m strong, i’m independent.

today i am not.
today i just miss huntman and want to be with him. today i want these 2 years to be over so i don’t have to wait anymore.

tomorrow i will be okay. tomorrow will be better. and after 500 and something more tomorrows, hunter will be home.