i have grown too strong to ever fall back in your arms

the time has come to put the past behind me.
i have left the door open for you far past the life of my watch, catching a chill time and time again while wrapped feverishly in this hope: hope that you'll see me differently-- come to your senses and realize i'm the one you want. i'm the girl who could make you happy, who you could truly love.

and even though i know it's in  no one's best interest  for you to want me and i to want you... i want you to recognize that you once did. that perhaps,  once upon a yesterday, you envisioned us rocking old in our chairs and laughing into our wrinkles, together.

i want to hear you say that i meant something-- that you wanted me in your future. that you thought somehow we could leap from friends to love, where we would communicate like adults but giggle like children. that we could establish something real, something worth commitment.

but i can't ask for that closure from you. because there is a void of communication about such things now, as there always has been. that bridge's construction is aborted indefinitely; the rushing water would whisk us swiftly south to consume our flailing bodies in the rapids.

we would be drowned in yesterday.

i need to breath in today.

 6 years ago the long saga began-- you held my hand. such a simple act but at 15, i was blinded by you. shielded from your imperfections i only saw the reflection of my own. 

all along i thought i wasn't enough {for you}
not pretty enough.
not popular enough.
not too-many-things-to-name enough.
never enough to be the girl you want, really.  a suitable substitute, for the moment; like margarine for butter.

after that ended, we weren't friends.
but you came back.
i was enough to keep on the side, and we were friends once again.

6 years. . . .

 6 years of fluctuations-- frustration, laughter, glances, distance, anger, hope, denial, tears, dancing, hurt, love, and . . .
i realize {now}: what we had was not substantial. not the steak-and-potatoes i need but rather a nice appetizer-- satisfying, but only enough to dull the hunger pains.

i also realize: you are not enough {for me},  either.

i may always love you with my 15 year old heart but i have grown too strong to ever fall back in your arms.

6 years cannot disappear overnight but i am closing that wide-open gate as well as shedding the blanket of hope {for you and i}. it is imperative that this door remains closed.

if i have to nail and wire and glue and staple and weld it, i will. 

we are not enough for each other.

neither of us are to blame. 

when i see you happy with someone else, i might experience a twinge in my memories and a fresh bruise to an isolated corner of my heart. but regardless, i sincerely wish you to find the girl of your dreams. it is not me. i can accept that, now.  i do hope you find her.

it is wonderful to feel enough for someone. i feel that from huntman. i feel more than enough in his arms and letters and eyes and voice.

 

he is more than i could have envisioned possible in a man. forgiving my stupidity and the uncertainty of the remainder of his mission and arrival home {in approximately 11 months}, he makes me feel everything i couldn't with you.

i've shut the door on you and i. 

{please, don't softly rap on the door or come pounding or ringing.} 

i'll be waiting at the window, watching for huntman to throw pebbles and to flash his brilliant smile that tells me i am everything to him.