watch for falling dichotomies

dichotomy: a division into two especially mutually exclusive or contradictory groups or entities 

 i have a dichotomy. up until last night, i believed they were mutually exclusive-- one or the other. never both, because that would be perfectly impossible. logically, i knew they weren't mutually exclusive-- that in order to live happily i needed to have both {for the time being} but...

after a frank therapeutic talk with my big brother over homemade green curry, he helped me realize what it is i need to do:

bridge the gap

 install ropes and pulleys and metal so the two dichotomous entities can coexist. and most importantly, internalize it. because, i haven't been handling this whole thing well. (although i am doing a bazillion times better than i was a year ago in the state of happiness and acceptance).

i have created my own pressure, my own restrictions, my own offenses.

i am to blame.

it was so much easier to fend off that responsibility for my tears onto anyone or anything but myself.

it is difficult to pry open long-closed eyes to view my weaknesses, my patterns. but viewing from a third party perspective, i am glimpsing my mistakes and the weight of such a responsibility, as well as my fragile justifications and finger-pointing. i am realizing the necessity to own my reactions, to recognize my emotions.

because we all want to be mentally healthy, right? 

i have pushed and distanced and retaliated because my soul wouldn't allow for the survival of both dichotomies.
but
today is the day where i let go of guilt and wanting and needing.
i have to let both survive.  if i sever one i will resent the other, and then where would i be?

construction starts today.