not by the hair of my chinny chin chin

the date was thoughtful. well planned. he was courteous and kind and funny and smelled good. he bought me delicious pizza and cheesesticks at fat jack's in pason. he drove me to santaquin for the surprise activity-- shooting. i shot a 9 mm, shotgun, 22 rifle, and the BIG one-- a 270 rifle. it nearly took off my shoulder.  he drove me to beautiful salem pond where his uncle conveniently has a vacant home. he brought along firewood and a blanket, marshmallows and s'more supplies, all to set up the perfect seduction scenario. 
ah!!! 

first date first date first date

as he was propped on his elbow with a grin, i kept staring heavenward, silently praying that he would not go in because i would turn and it would be an awkwardly terrible refusal.
i started shivering. thank heavens for the cold.
we went inside to watch the only movie available--  the grinch who stole christmas(with jim carrey).

he may have forgotten that he told me about "the perfect plan to guarantee a kiss"

the plan: 

{which he claims to be fail and fool proof}

put arm behind girl's lower back.  she's not very comfortable, so you reposition. somehow or other you end up spooning. the boy then props himself up on his elbow to peer un-creepily down at the girl, who then turns and they kiss. fireworks not included.  

what does he do immediately as he sits down next to me? slides in the arm.
oh gosh. 
i was terribly uncomfortable, but i was not about to be spooned on the first date. no sir!
eventually he did move his arm, wrapping it around my shoulder. at comedic moments during the film he would laugh and then look at me with big eyes. perhaps it was rude but i avoided eye contact at all costs. he was already getting pretty fresh with me for a first date. i wasn't about to have him steal a kiss, too.

the culminating moment came after the movie ended.
while he locked up the house i stood outside, looking out at the beautiful pond lit by the moonlight with the giant blanket wrapped around me to halt the brisk summer night air.  i was rather startled when he wrapped his arms around me from behind and rested his chin on my shoulder.

internally, i was freaking. out.
the most repetitive thought in my frantic brain was:

i don't want to be this close to someone. 
i don't want to be this close to someone.
i don't want to be this close to someone.

which is unusual. i love to cuddle and hug just about everyone. i'm one of those touchy-feely people.
perhaps the anxiety erupted so violently because i sensed his genuine interest and knew my lapse in caring. or perhaps because i realized i did not want to trust him. or perhaps because the only man who has ever wrapped his arms around me from behind was huntman. and i felt safe there. not anxious.

it takes a degree of trust to allow a boy to take you out. you obviously trust them enough not to unhook your bra or leave leave you destitute in the forest to be a bear's next meal.
i had that trust in my date.
but at the moment his arms encircled me i knew i did not want to lend him more trust than that. that thought haunted me on the drive home, and since.

i am the little pig in the house made of brick.

once upon a time i had straw walls. the big bad wolf is a dangerous thing. he came knocking and huffing and puffing, sending me scrambling for cover. 

so i laid brick after brick, taking care to cement any holes and keep the chain on tight. 

i let huntman in. he helped mend my cracks. 

other boys have rented a sledgehammer and broken off a few pieces of brick.  

i won't let the big bad wolf in again. 

not by the hair of my chinny chin chin.