the procession of music

some days, try as i might, i can't eject the cd from my car.

i find solace in familiar lyrics {of ingrid or sarah, of course} and the reassurance that "everybody" is followed by "are we there yet", and "king of anything" is #5 on the kaleidoscope heart cd. 

my ingrid-saturated brain automatically primes the melody of "the chain" at the conclusion of "incredible love". 

it's suppose to come next, so i expect it to.

outside of the context and control of my car, when i hear those songs jumbled, my brain does a double-take. because the interruption of my natural inclination to hum the next song upsets my thought processes and i recognize that i no longer hold the remote, and the procession of music is out of my hands.  

other days i press shuffle and throw caution to the wind-- come what may-- whether it be rihanna, the monster mash, nsync, kate nash, or the infamous beatles. 

but i choose to press shuffle... which is the defining difference between my ipod and real life. 

i feel like the procession of life is beyond me, no matter how fast i run to catch up.

i'm still running on shuffle, hopping from change to certainty and back to change. 

i'm not sure whether to pull out ballet shoes for beethoven or a little glitter for taio cruz.  

i once told huntman that i felt like my life was on pause {with him gone}. 

but since i have allowed myself to push play, the shuffle is more random and swift than ever. 

this weekend i wanted to press pause and previous and next all at once.

i wanted to pause to allow my heart catch up with all the change, 

i wanted to go back 2 years where i could savor every moment with him,

and i wanted to skip the uncertainty and heartache into a defining moment of truth, in the future, to know if it can all work out.

life is not an ipod, to skip and rewind and pause as we please. 

so i'm letting it play out,

 enjoying the variety in the moment.  

sad songs come on shuffle.

it's not bad to be sad. 

but, when the next melody begins, 

pick yourself up off the floor of worries

and get ready for the samba.