skin

i'm beginning to feel comfortable in my skin again. for a while there {the past 11 months} i've felt dragged down by the foreign object of myself --
somewhat akin to shedding an inordinate amount of weight quickly, then being puzzled by the excess skin draped on your frame. you can't much cut it off {without supreme expense} but you can't relapse into gorging the weight back as a comfort because you've changed.

i've changed.
definintely.

part of changing and becoming healthy {i'm trying to lose the burden of "dark and twisty"} is waiting for that skin to slowly regain its elasticity and return to where it now calls home. because we're all resilient. 
stretch marks are inevitable but, hey!--at least you learned something. instead of grimacing, paint them with glory because they're part of who you once were. a reminder of your experiences and stories. 

today, as i was walking down the main lumber aisle of home depot in my orange apron carrying an armload of signs and my decorative staple gun, i had the epiphany.

---- hallelujah ----

which epiphany, God helped out with. a lot.  ya know, he's pretty good at pointing out a pretty stretch mark, or a ghastly one which has actually turned to be beneficial. 

*interlude: the other night, God and i had a little heart-to-heart. i asked for some necessities and desires, one of them being that he could help me be happy. {because, these past few weeks i have been wresting with my deepest feelings and it has taken its' toll.}

hours later, i was absentmindedly smiling. my co-worker asked, "why are you so happy?"
the answer escaped my annunciation, but internally i nodded-- i was happy because i asked for help. who knew? once i got off my high horse the sunshine streamed in. that happiness has stayed with me. even through a 22 hour day. and working 20 hours within 36 hours. 

silly? yes. but.  it means a lot.

part 2 of my epiphany {which struck me as i gazed upon 2 x 4's} involves boys:

not the what-am-i-going-to-do-in-this-situation BUT more of a comfort around boys. i feel like i once was, long ago in the days of high school-- one of the boys {to an extent}.
at ease.
not uptight about dating or impressions.
 just being there, flirting as a joke, flirting as friends, flirting. confident.

confidence being the key turning factor to my epiphany.

because not caring of their opinion lends you the opportunity to spontaneously trape around in the midst of boys. all as friends.

i went to the dollar theater with two boys this week. me and two boys. yep. count em-- one, two. buckle my shoe.

later on, i  sat by a different boy on a giant fluffy thing.

 not to cuddle, but to watch a movie and be friends.
a back scratch may have occured.

and at work, i talk to boys all the day long {it is the depot}:

married boys, engaged boys, single boys, gay boys,

boys who have girlfriends, boys who are womanizers, boys who dispise females.

all of them, in the scope of a store.  talk and flirt and talk and flirt.

moral of this post:
stretch marks are good-- they stand as irrefutable proof you have grown, you have changed, and you are working to find yourself.
your skin will come back to you eventually, to embrace you securely.
soon enough, those stretch marks will fade and you won't be afraid to wear that bikini, bearing your resilient beautiful skin.

*sigh*

it feels goooood to be in my skin again.