march madness, and no, i'm not talkin' bout bball

tomorrow is march.
march is the kickoff for spring {gloria}! march means four-leaf clovers. march marks the mere beginnings of flip-flop and t-shirt days. march entails friend's weddings, big academic papers, and perhaps a dip into night-walks and casual lounging upon soft greening grass.

march is also significant in that it broaches the fact that july is in 4 months. 

4 months!

how did this happen??

i'm not ready!
so not ready.
how did 20 months past so quickly? how?? it felt like an eternity at first, and then suddenly the past 8 months have whisked past me, leaving me dizzy. these next 4 are sure to rush by as well.

huntman should stay half-way across the globe because i have a sudden case of fear-- of being with him and being without him. of what my life could mean with him in it again. because regardless of what happens, he will be inextricably in my life. i'll be able to call him, to hear his voice on the phone. we'll be able to text. to go on roadtrips. to take pictures and laugh nonsensically. to hug for an indefinite amount of time.

i have existed so long by my self i don't know how to exist with someone else anymore. the mere thought is highly unsettling. 4 months... i remember when 20 months separated my life from him and now, the tables have turned.

perhaps this is the drug-cocktail of suddafed, ibuproven, vitamins, and fish oil talking but. . . . .

HOLY $@%#&*!

music recommendations

21-- adele 

it's approximately $8 on itunes right now.

 adele's voice is like butter. 

i have been listening to it on repeat.

the brocks-- the brocks

i bought their cd for $5 at their live performance last night. you can check them out on reverbnation.com/thebrocks

watch us go--the blind actuaries

4 guys from my freshman ward are fan-freaking-tastic. you can find them here on facebook. they only have 1 recorded single but it is sa-weet! and a whole lot of fun.

snapshots of the week:

 

  

it was a good one. and the brb shirt just kills me... especially the irritating girl (not pictured) who asked what "brb" stands for. seriously woman?? we are in college.

wowza

i was thinking back, to a year ago... and wowza-- did i have some crazy creepers. i mean, wow. and it wasn't until this thought struck my brain that i realized recently,  i have had some, how-do-you-call-it... interesting comments from a choice number of men in my life.

nothing in the realm of requesting a lap dance from me or the horror of dan dan the creeper man , and thank heavens we have not had any more staring incidents but... i'll just cut to the chase. (click the links for some ghastly but hilarious stories)

as a preface, before the entertainment, it's more along the lines of awkward and borderline-creepy rather than flat-out creep-sauce central. 

k-man

after complaining that a boy was too skinny for me, i stated...

 "i know i'm no size 0 but i'm not a big girl either-- i just want a guy to be bigger than me"

k-man: "i think you're perfect"

?????

how am i suppose to respond to that? it's flattering but in an off-hand sort of way, especially when he's looking at me. they should teach some sort of fool-proof awkward-comment-responses in young womens. that could probably solve many dilemmas, and maybe even world hunger. 

. . .later on. . .

me: "i love back scratches"

k-man: "if you were my girlfriend, i would scratch your back all the time, whenever you asked"

?????
where.... where did that come from?

and of course k-man says he loves me in passing, always compliments me, and drags other boys away from talking to me... yikes. this sounds like true love, but he's my brother's age and a ginger. no offense-- just not my thing.

db

another boy (at work, or course) has set his sights on me for some bewildering reason. do you know what he does? he places his hand on my neck when talking to me-- like prime placement before kissing-- while at work.  no denying he is attractive but... weirdo. he's off his rocker in one way or another. beyond the neck-touching he won't relent on asking when we're going to hang out.  thus far i have evaded directly answering but he's a persistent bugger and the entire store concludes he's a (excuse my language) douche-bag. so, there will be no outside-the-store interaction with db. not to worry. 

aside from awkward men, i have recently become acquainted with some charming upstanding fellows. there is hope for the universe! hazzah! i'm just crossing my fingers that this creepy behavior will stop haunting me.

miss

"i miss you".

such a common phrase. overused? perhaps.

but i purport it can not be uttered often enough. because regardless of where you are or who's company you enjoy, there will always be a longing for someone. romantic or platonic. always. 

when you are little, your family is your entire universe and your friends are nice additives.  you are surrounded by everyone you love, and everyone surrounding you loves you. there is no room for missing, because they are right next to you having tea parties.

and then... 

then

you grow up.

you move out.

you move on.

and there, in the midst of your life, is a colossal canyon cratering your heart with missing. 

 

from one group of friends to the next, from one boyfriend to the next, from one phase of life seamlessly into the next without a second glance. some people fall out of your immediate life for another town. some for another lover. some for great causes, and some for no reason in particular other than you have both evolved into something greater than what substantiates your memory of them. 

i miss huntman.

i had talked myself out of missing him. really. truly. no missing occurring in this heart of mine.

and then, driving home in the dark night, i began to cry. at first, for no reason-- the tears came on their own accord. and then i shed tears for him not being next to me. i shed tears for our goodbye. i shed tears for a million inconsequential reasons revolving around us. 

which transitions into my discovery-- i will always miss someone or something.

i miss huntman. i miss my darling sister and her sweet family. i miss my momma. i miss my bestie. i miss old friends. i miss new friends. i miss cuddling. i miss art and i miss traveling. i miss warm summer nights and hot apple crisp. 

the truth of life is: when all the people i miss are in my arms, i will yet miss someone else. 

when you allow yourself to love, you create room to miss. so why love when you know you will consequently miss? 

what would life be without love?

all you need is love. 

nothing you can do but you can learn how to be you in time. it's easy. 

all you need is love. 

- the beatles-

book nerd

i am so in love. 
there is no use in hiding it.
giddy and galloping away in my fantasies. 

"i sometimes think i prefer suitors in books rather than right in front of me"

if that is not a true statement, i don't know what is. i just finished the gurnsey literary and potato peel society {in 2 days, nonetheless} and am irrevocably melted by dawsey. 

what i love about books is i hold the ending in my hand. although it may take me several hours to answer the questions spurning me on, i know i have the answer embedded in pages of ink. i will discover if elizabeth and mr. darcy will end their stubbornness to admit love, or if ella will break the curse and marry char, or if smitty will utter a syllable, or what the terrible-awful was minny concocted. 

i would be charmed to be courted by a suitor from a number of books-- dawsey's coy and soothing shyness, char's freckles and buoyant nature, peeta's selflessness, smitty's quiet seduction, mr. darcy's utter perfection and generosity, tea cake's youthful spontaneity... i have come to love all of these men. 

any recommendations for a new read??

 i am a hopeless romantic, so despite my singledom {or perhaps thanks to my singledom?} i can vicariously fall in love with fictional men. 

the moment

soft and slow, her lips parted. 
more than an invitation for love, this was an offer of herself, to be cradled in his arms for an enduring kiss sweet to her senses and exquisite in her soul. 
for this kiss would be much more than a minuscule meeting of the lips, but would signify the moment she laid her heart on his shoulder and let him rest his hands on her memory, intertwining his future with her past. she would caress his smile in her blue eyes as the symphony drifted between thought, alternating her breathing as he lighted her cheek with his calloused fingertips.

the minute hand glanced across the window of perfection. so she closed her eyes and lips and heart, defending the fear that rose in her of the stranger before her and the uncertainty of love. she left him, unkissed and unaware, brooding at the floor of regret gathering dust. 

merry love day

"what is the matter with me? am i too particular? i don't want to be married just to be married. i can't think of anything lonelier than spending the rest of my life with someone i can't talk to, or worse, someone i can't be silent with"
- the gurnsey literary and potato peel pie society-

and with that quote, i greet the day of love that will dawn with tomorrow's sunrise. 

not to worry, i have a hot hot date for valentine's.

who with?!

my roommate, my brother, and any other single folk who adore thai food.  

although i will not be getting a mailbox full of secret valentines {remember 4th grade? oh, that was a good year} i will be with people i love. making memories.
that is what valentine's is all about.

merry valentine's day to you! 

LO

VE

i sincerely hope you fill it with love. 

breakfast of possibilities

the dryer's humming and bumbling morphed her dreams into reality. with foggy eyes she recalled a familiar fondness her heart had recaptured in the night, of a man she had once loved. 

her dream was simple, rooting a feeling of warmth, of love, of familiarity and surety with that man. 

but today, in the bright morning light, he loves someone else. 

she sighs as she begins today, puzzling over the conflicting memories and feelings. of her with him. of their beginning. of their end. 

the day is past for their love to bloom. 

and so, she lifts a brownie for breakfast and 

smiles at her possibilities without him.

spoons & hickies

yesterday i curled my hair with an actual curling iron. which really, does not happen often. my zebra straightener has become my everything-- from sleek straight to wavy to curlo-mongo. well i decided to step out of my comfort zone and pull out the ol' curling iron. while fashioning my hair into curly beauty (because it was pretty fizz-fantastic) i bent down to retrieve my hair spray (which i also never use!) and i felt a tingling sensation on my neck.

the infamous curling iron burn.

yikes.

my immediate thought: oh my gosh. this probably looks like a hickie. 

because the burn was in prime hickie-position. i haven't had a hickie in a loooong time, and i didn't want people to start getting ideas about me or anything.

which... i just admitted that i have had a hickie or two in my time... drat. don't judge? 

anyways. 
i told my mom about the burn and my terror it looked like a hickie, and she just laughed.

this is why moms are great. specifically my mom.

isn't hickie such a weird word?

 seriously, where did it originate? 

this is all to say, be careful when retrieving hairspray with a curling iron in close proximity to your neck.
and have a spoon in the freezer, just in case it looks like a hickie. or you do actually get a hickie. 
because that can happen.

*also, i finally finished reading the help. loved. 

*senioritis is making me only want to read fun books rather than my boring old textbooks.
ai carumba! 

full

i love that feeling that comes from being filled. not in a food-wise way, because i ate chips and salsa for dinner tonight and that's not entirely filling.

sitting here on an ordinary monday evening, i feel the feeling i have been chasing for seemingly eons now. 

full. devoid of a void. 
simply full. 

by myself. within and through and around and over and any other prepositional phrases that can be applied to a rabbit and a tree. 

you see, i freak out too much about life in general, but especially men {ugh. lame, i know}. this has been a great source of discontent, like that little pocket of dirt that ends up being the crater to a purely putrid pimple. a little over-analyzing typically leads to a gargantuan melt-down with time and some salt on the wound. or so i've found.

but now, i am fine. not the freaked out, insecure, neurotic, and emotional italian job definition, but fine. finally full. content.... happy, dare-i-say it.

 "different: larger, fuller, more complete, no longer divided against myself... 

larger, but lighter, much lighter... 

myself unto myself. 

one. 

me"

- ella enchanted-

ingrid sings, "i've gotta see if i'm filled up when it's only me"
and i have. i somehow miraculously have.

*image from here

becoming

"we become what we want to be by consistently being what we want to become each day."

- elder richard g. scott-

pretty deep stuff.

gotta love sundays.

the happy life

i spent my friday night making spaghetti, racing through a book {the help}, painting my toesies and nails {teal and shimmer coral}, and falling in love. {with sean and gus, of course-- psych}.

it was glorious. 

the simplicity. 

the quiet.

the imagination that unfurled itself in pages of words and the familiar twinge of alcohol {nail polish remover, folks} was a salve to my week.

my mom noted on the phone how much happier i sound.

"you do not find the happy life. you make it"

wise words by camilla eyring kimball.

i'm finding myself surprisingly okay relinquishing the night vision goggles and metal-detector to begin creating a wonderful mess of happiness. 

p.s. i made this at work this week. fitting for february, no?

the infinite power of hope

"real hope is much more than wishful musing. it stiffens, not slackens, the spiritual spine. hope is serene, not giddy, eager without being naive, and pleasantly steady without being smug. hope is realistic anticipation which takes the form of a determination—not only to survive adversity but, moreover, to endure well to the end"
- elder neal a. maxwell-

i love president uchtdorf's promise that

"the ending of the book of our lives will exceed our grandest expectations."

i caught a glimpse of hope tonight, and my heart feels as light as a feather. 

"indeed, when we are unduly impatient with an omniscient God’s timing, we really are suggesting that we know what is best. strange, isn’t it—we who wear wristwatches seek to counsel Him who oversees cosmic clocks and calendars. because God wants us to come home after having become more like Him and His Son, part of this developmental process, of necessity, consists of showing unto us our weaknesses. hence, if we have ultimate hope we will be submissive, because, with His help, those weaknesses can even become strengths"
- elder neal a. maxwell-

i can put away salsa like nobody's business

it's true.

if you could attain jedi status in salsa-consumption, i would be yoda. 

i share this with you because i want my love to become your love.

{note my adorable floral shirt as the backdrop}

do you see that giant bottle?? i downed one in under 2 weeks. by. my. self.  we're talking costco-size here! that's how crazy good it is.

it is my frequent dinner, along with chips. i like to think it can count as a serving of veggies because hello, it's made of nothing but veggies! and if that isn't enough to sell you there are no preservatives. none!

it is just fresh and sinfully delicious. 

devour with me, por favor. 

{yeah, my espanol rocks}

a drought, some rain, and getting muddled

muddled and befuddled and all mixed up.
alone she is strong. alone she knows herself. 
but next to him the barriers come down and she falters in reasoning.

i had a rather long kissing drought. my longest kissing drought, in fact, since i began kissing.

well, a little rain came my way. now that my thirst has been {somewhat} quenched, i look back longingly on the dry months.  i use to think that rain would make the drought better, when in actuality, that little sprinkling of rain has had a cascading effect, muddling my senses and barriers. 

this post is utter madness and confusion. i apologize. 

my point being: i have learned that when you do reach what you thought you wanted all along, you don't arrive at happiness. the daydream of grandeur fades into reality and you think, "really? i was waiting for this?". 

 thus, there's no putting off happiness for a daydream-- it might as well be embraced in the moment.

and with that conclusion, i muse to myself, "i may just be starting to figure out life".