because even though i hate how things ended....really, i just hate that they ended at all... i can't absolve my memories of him. i remember those sacred moments-- when he held me too tight and whispered he loved me, the way he would wink at me and make me blush, how often he told me i was beautiful and his favorite person, the feel of his large hands in my hair...
and truthfully, i'm at a loss.
"it startled me, the idea that this person who had once so certainly loved me could change almost overnight"
- elna baker, the new york mormon regional singles halloween dance
i've been reading this book (quoted above) and i feel like it's my life in a way. i half-way fell in love with an atheist, i was almost engaged to a good mormon boy, a boy whom i love... loved... more than my heart could contain. i asked god and received the distinct answer of 'yes, yes, yes!'... but then my world collapsed and this good mormon boy withdrew. for which reasons i may never fully understand.
what transpired after the fact was me, aimlessly wandering, like a "hearbroken zombie".
i need to be a better person. believe me, i realize this. i need to not resort to name-calling and i need to grieve in a non-destructive way. also, i seriously need to calm down the swearing.
but right now i am taking things one day at time.
each day i get better, stronger. each day gets easier to think of him less and to not cry.
"day by day, old joy comes back to me."
and blue skies... they're coming.
- noah and the whale
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