pausing

i am pausing my life for two weeks. it is strange, to pack your favorite shirts and toothpaste, knowing you won't be back for some time. knowing that life will keep passing as your bed remains empty. my life is very routine, so it will be pleasant and strange to step out of it.

this break could not come at a more opportune time. my body is craving adventure and although the flight will be long, i am looking forward to time alone {specificially, away from men}. time to read the million books i am borrowing. time to think, about everything. time to figure out how i got here, and where exactly i want to be going.


and if traversing the german countryside, the hamburg market, and oodles of time with my sister's cute family isn't enough to get me excited, look at what i get to wear!

courtesy of the beautiful, the lovely, and the reasonably-priced tar-jae {target}

enjoy what you have now

i always wanted a little brother. but as fate would have it, i would remain the youngest in my family.

however, i somehow became the big sister to two boys, two boys who have grown into fine young men. today we celebrated their return from their respective lds missions.

farewell 2010

trev {white shirt} went to uganda

last hang-out, JCW's, 2010

and skander man went to ft. lauderdale, fl {haitian creole speaking}

it was a lovely day, good to see old friends and know that some things will never, ever change. good to eat too much dessert. {not that that's anything new}.

i know people mean well but... there was a comment that i can't quite shake.

little brother #1 came to greet the gang. me, in the midst of three couples. it went like this:

man hug... "and this is my wife"

man hug... "and this is my wife"

man hug... "and this is my wife"

and there i was. single. alone. awkward? so i laughed and whispered to my friend, "i feel out of place"

and he laughed and said, "you could say, and this is my husband casper"

i smiled but... ouch. 

i have this friend carrie, at work. she's one of those woman you want to be when you grow up. completely confident in herself, kind, and hilarious beyond measure. plus, a babe even when she's 8 months pregnant with baby #4. she gave me some great advice the other week, which i have tried to take to heart.

"don't let anybody make you feel bad for still being single-- embrace it. enjoy what you have now"

i am 22 years old, damn it! i deserve to be happy and wild, spontaneous and free! who are these people who surreptitiously glance at my finger and give a shake of the head, pitying my position? who mocks that i graduated mormon-central-university without a husband? 

okay, so my life isn't exactly how i pictured. so i do want a husband, one day. so what? i am enjoying the single life, this very instant. i am getting a little life-education to prepare me for the unknown.  and it is hard, yes, but it is lovely and beautiful. 

i believe that anyone who tries to belittle you for being single, or place guilt or blame for your "unfortunate" circumstance, is clearly self-righteous and/or off their rocker because a. the single life is pretty grand sometimes and b. my relationship status is my choice, which makes it done of your damn beeswax.  

so often i want to say 

"well at least i'm not stuck in your marriage! haha!" 

but i hold my tongue and realize i need to be the bigger person, smile and nod, and accept their {typically} good intentions. 

time

time seemed to move impossibly slow. december felt like a decade. january seems to be endless. 

and suddenly, i feel like i'm living my life again. 

the weeks rush past. i blink away the days. 

i use to count the time since the end, but in the wake of healing time shifted to account the future. 

in one week's time, i will be soaring {and hopefully sleeping} over the atlantic ocean to a land far, far away.  to germany i go! there i will see my sister, brother-in-law, and their babies! and potentially get fat from a whole lot of european food. i can hardly wait.

in just two months i'll be road trippin' it to portland with my girls to see coldplay. yes, chris martin, i'm coming just for you. play 'the scientist', please? just for me. 

anticipation is a portion of the greatness the future holds. 

knowing adventure lies ahead... well, that is what makes life worth living. worth breathing.

recipe wonderlands

my momma's recipe box is a gold mine. her grandmother immigrated from denmark and brought a host of danish traditions and fantastic recipes. her daughter {my grandma} was frugal and resourceful, a master of taking nothing and making it exquisite. suffice it to say, generations of recipe gems lie in my mother's possession.
not to mention the ward cookbooks over the years.

that is my first stop for whipping something up in the kitchen.

but when i like to try new things, here are a few places i like to turn: 

the pioneer woman

oh, she's fun. i love her recipes.

taste of home

9 times out of 10, their top rated recipes are delish.

williams & sonoma

good land, this website has changed my life. literally everything on their website looks phenomenal, and everything i have tried has been mind-blowing. plus their cute cakes make me want to buy a million expensive pans. oh the subtle advertising... sneaky!

our best bites

mormon ladies at their finest in the kitchen.

and an honorable mention goes to better homes & gardens... as a last resort. 

know any other good recipe sites??

sensational

i am infinitely grateful for novacane.

there was a wee moment when i wasn't completely numb and by golly, that little dentist drill hit a nerve and my eyes scrunched to make the nightmare end.
so my doc ordered "more novacane!" 

this led to the entirety of my top lip, nose, and cheeks being devoid of sensation for several hours.
{which may have been the weirdest sensation i have ever experienced, apart from kissing with pop rocks}.

and it got me to thinking.
first-- if i was a pioneer woman, i would have no teeth.

second-- even though the pain can be unbearable and you succumb to numbness, once the tingling begins and the warm sensation returns, you never want to be lost in numbness again.

i was numb for so long with huntman. even before the end, i was numb. 

the only thing that jolted my senses was deep and agonizing anger. but sadness eventually overtook, claiming one nerve at a time, staking out an abyss of emptiness.


i awoke slowly.
first, i began to stop loving him.

the tingling started.

it was pins and needles. 

next, i began to forget him. the entirety of his presence in my memories, the smell of his skin, and the flecks of gold in his eyes.

i gingerly moved, and the warmth spread.

finally, i discarded the home of his arms. i abandoned my belief in him. in his promises.
i began the quest for a home in someone else's arm.

every particle of me ached.

and i breathed in my scars. 

i agree with ingrid-- it feels so good just to feel something.
today, i feel sensational!

  "no no don't rescue me
i like the salt water sting
it feels so good to feel
it feels so good just to feel something
in the sea in the sea in the sea in the sea"





p to the s-- i am loving the black keys right now.

a lovely holiday

i did not apply a stitch of make-up.
i ate the majority of the german pancakes i made with ali this morning.
i took a nap.
i called my momma.
i caught up on "once upon a time" {thanks dvr-- how did i ever survive without you??}.
i showered late in the evening.
i changed my sheets and did laundry.
i packed for germany {countdown: 11 days}

but most importantly, i read and read and read.

a nicholas sparks novel, in fact. my first. the lucky one. 
i was commanded to read it by my mother. thus far, i like it. i'm anxious when i read it.
which, did you know they're making it into a movie?





i do enjoy reading. it is such a simple and easy way to vicariously fall in love, all without screwing up your personal life.

mistakes

experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.
- oscar wilde


mistakes are the portals of discovery. 
- james joyce


we are personalities in the making, limited, and grappling with things too high for us. obviously we, at very best, will make many mistakes.
- e. stanley jones

the words tumbled out of her without warning, without reason: "i'm getting attached". he stopped his persistence and they put their heads together. 

he knew. 

they both wondered aloud... if we weren't so different. 

but they were. 

with condensation rolling down the car windows they made eye contact in the dim light, gleaned from the street light ahead. he was protective, and sweet. she was scared and vulnerable. they laughed  as the minutes and hours passed, talking. just talking. so close she could taste him. 

then they kissed. 

it was not new, but she cried. 

because it was a mistake.

his lips turned down and he frowned in an exasperated way. he brushed the curls away from her cheek while searching her face, trying to meet her brown forlorn eyes as soft sobs escaped her lips and wet his shirt.

{indian} chicken korma

the tables turned and i had my parents over for dinner.

i made chicken korma-- my first attempt at indian food, and it was perfect. 

the recipe is from williams & sonoma {therefore, gourmet and fancy} 

since i forgot to get naan, i toasted pita bread in the oven @ 225 degrees and sprinkled garlic powder on top.

basmati rice + green beans with lemon pepper

 my momma brought down this pistachio dessert that is out of this world. it would be wise not to get her recipe so i don't gain 500 pounds, but i want it. i need it.

i also made pear crisp, for a friend's birthday party. i am convinced my momma's recipe for the topping is the best there is, and really so simple.
i used canned pears {because let's be honest here, i'm a college student and real produce can get expensive}, ingredients from the canisters, and voila! a dessert that is so scrumptious, people go back for thirds. true story. not only that, it was completely devoured after a few hours {the only dish that was, mind you}.

the crisp
3-4 cups fruit, diced {apples, pears, peaches, berries... anything is good!}
2/3 c. sugar
1/4 tsp. salt
*combine fruit, sugar, and salt. pour into a 9 x 13" pan


topping:
1 1/2 c. brown sugar
1 c. flour
1 c. oats
1 1/2 tsp. cinnamon
1 1/2 tsp. nutmeg
dash salt
2/3 c. butter, semi-melted
*mix dry ingredients together. cut in softened butter with a fork until well mixed. sprinkle on top of fruit. bake @ 350 degrees for 30-35 minutes. 

also, i have an announcement: i'm thinking about going to culinary school-- gah!

different wells

“there are different wells within your heart. 
some fill with each good rain, 
others are far too deep for that. 

in one well 
you have just a few precious cups of water, 
that "love" is literally something of yourself, 
it can grow as slow as a diamond 
if it is lost. 

your love 
should never be offered to the mouth of a 
stranger, 
only to someone 
who has the valor and daring 
to cut pieces of their soul off with a knife 
then weave them into a blanket 
to protect you. 

there are different wells within us. 
some fill with each good rain, 
others are far, far too deep 
for that.” 
― hafiz

a very pink post

i am cupcake queen! 

{it's official}

i placed 1st in a bake-off at work with homemade chocolate cupcakes, filled with chocolate ganache, topped with raspberry jam, vanilla buttercream frosting, and a fresh raspberry! i even made them into hearts for valentine's day!

 

 

 

 aren't they so pretty?? they were pretty damn scrumptious, as well.

this is my homemade valentine for elder's quorum {which we made in relief society, prior to the boys singing and dancing to "my little buttercup"}.. as luck would have it, my recipient took me on a date that week! maybe cheesy valentine's work after all?

 

also, check out this cutie i got to dog-sit last weekend. she weighed 3 pounds--- so tiny! it really only fueled the fire for my puppy-craving.

cliche

i hate that moment when you become a cliche.
something you have fought against your whole life. one breath you are not, and with the next inhale you want the cliche. with the blink of an eye you evolve into that girl.



today, i wanted flowers.
never before have i wanted flowers. but i wanted flowers because that would mean i was special, to someone. i tried so hard to be brave today. to not concern myself with the rampant pda and my apparent lack of someone but the tears spilled over.

i hate being that girl. 

i hate wanting flowers.

but mostly, i hate this haunting feeling of loneliness that cankers me inside.

soon it shall pass. soon.

ultimate break-up playlist

i make some mean playlists. titles like "man-haters club", "rinse and repeat", "mix it like twix", "let's get it on", and "happy go lucky", to name a few...

this {stronger-- kelly clarkson} is the headliner of my "ultimate break-up playlist" and consequently my theme song for this day of love.  i love love. i do. but i don't handle pda well {especially cyber pda... vomit, facebook} and today it is out of control. plus i just love kelly and her kick-a attitude. 

the ultimate break-up playlist:

{by artist}

#1 stronger-- kelly clarkson

rolling in the deep-- adele

undo it-- carrie underwood

before he cheats-- carrie underwood

princess of china-- coldplay

don't let it break your heart-- coldplay

your kisses-- daughter

youth-- daughter

momma's boy-- elizabeth and the catapult

shake it out-- florence and the machine

blinding-- florence and the machine

forget you-- glee cast

this is war-- ingrid

starting now-- ingrid

palm of your hand-- ingrid

once was love-- ingrid

black and blue-- ingrid

merry happy-- kate nash

bulletproof-- la roux

a little bit stronger-- leighton meester

makes me wonder-- maroon 5

marching on-- onerepublic

so what-- p!nk

fire bomb-- rihanna

gonna get over you-- sara bareilles

i won't be left-- tegan & sara

somebody that i used to know-- walk off the earth

doughnut dating

"if marriage is as good as a fresh krispie kreme doughnut, i think i'll be in heaven"
- bird

i concur.

at work, we won a contest. we were given doughnuts and hot cocoa every morning for a week.
this is all to say, i ate at least one doughnut for the previous 4 days. they were good, they did the deed of fulfilling the doughnut craving.

however, it wasn't until my lips enveloped a warm, freshly glazed krispie kreme doughnut {which literally melted in my mouth} that i thought:
"what crap doughnuts have i been eating all week??"

clearly, my doughnut consumption is out of control.  but this story does have a point-- it wasn't until i was in doughnut heaven, ready to die of tastebud happiness, that i recognized the horrendous and stale state of the previous store-bought doughnuts.   

my new theory: 
men are like doughnuts. 
{thus, dating can be delicious or underwhelming} 

there are stale doughnut days. and you need those, to appreciate the splendor of the perfect doughnut. with dozens of doughnut shops and even more doughnuts, it's hard to choose: glazed and sprinkles, cream filled, ganache, custard, fruity, maple, and a host more! . . . but it isn't until you try a few, and taste the really good stuff, that you know what's possible, what you prefer.

i determined that i want me a hot, freshly glazed krispie kreme that not only satisfies my doughnut craving but exceeds my wildest doughnut expectations. 

we ate 8 doughnuts total. 

they were delicious. 

i know

there is beauty in getting over someone, but there is also sadness.

it hurts to see someone else in your shoes. you're two months into the journey but they are just at the starting line.  you know the loose gravel and rotted roots that lie ahead, waiting to ensnare them, and all you can say is, "time will help. keep moving on".

when they cry, all you can say is, "i know".
because you do. you know how their heart is breaking into a million tiny pieces. you know that it's going to be hard for them to get out of bed. you know, because you were them not too long ago.


there is sadness in letting go of hope for an "us". sadness in packing away memories. sadness in forgetting the details of the person you once loved. sadness in being with someone else. but all of this sadness, combined, amounts to courage to find something better.

faves of the week

i had several favorites of the week. i somewhat documented them. 

the evidence is as follows:

ali and i like to match.

every sunday morning goes something like this:

sleep in. maybe shower. at some point, we both emerge from our rooms to primp in the bathroom and lo and behold, we match. 

once, when we both wore matchy-matchy green squared coats to church, our home teacher inquired, (in his british accent, of course) 

"did you two mean to match?"

honestly, it just happens. 

i believe sooner or later, roommates evolve into the same person. case in point. 

*also, please note how long my hair looks in this picture!

work has been a bundle of business. i was excited when these babies finally got put up!

i feel like the "mulan" soundtrack should somehow accompany this sign... 

 "terra-potta warrior" is his name

"let's get down to business, to defeat, the huns!"

i don't know about you, but i want to grow a garden!

mostly so i can have a zillion zucchinis on hand when i go on my zucchini dessert craze again. that was a good phase of life. yum.

within 15 hours of work, i was the tour guide for 4 pre-school field trips (2 of which were a surprise!) and supervised 2 separate birthday parties. approximately 100 children in such a short amount of time led to sheer exhaustion by friday afternoon. however, there was silver lining. pizza and hand holding.

by the 4th field trip tour, i was pro. cracking jokes, expanding their vocabulary to include "appliances", and asking important pre-schooler questions like "can you wash dishes in a washing machine??", "what sound does a doorbell make?", and "what do you need to grow plants?". 

needless to say, the last group was enamored with me. two girls put their little hands in mine as we walked from aisle to aisle and wouldn't leave my side. even though i was exhausted, and even though i badly needed water, i felt rejuvenated by these little darlings. a blondie with pig-tails and a black girl with long braids down her back. everything was worth it when they smiled up at me and excitedly expounded on what carpet they had at home {that was around the time of the carpet aisle, go figure}.

below are pics of the 2nd birthday party. harrison was a cutie and i could not understand a word out of his mouth hah.

 {his mom made the cake... not only adorable, the frosting was delectable}

 {my handy work}

 

{look at that boy! too cute}

to finish off the workweek/begin the weekend, my bestie chelsea and i got shellac on our nails. it's the "new "thing' apparently? they are shiny and beautiful to behold. i never get my nails done. ever. but i figured this was a wise investment since i go through nail polish like nobody's business and need to calm down the fetish.

also, check out my cute new double-knot gold ring! i got it off etsy.

ali said it was romantic-looking. therefore, i bought it for myself. 

i. don't. get. it.

i rode on the back of his motorcycle in the early summer night air. we hushed our giggles as we crawled under fences and over dirt hills, finally trespassing onto a premium golf course.
on the green, we cuddled. we kissed. there were shooting stars and a light dew on the grass.
as i laid snugly in his large arms he said,
"ya know, i think you should go after josh."
to which i replied,
"what???"
"i don't know, i just think you guys would go good together."
"why are you bringing this up now?"

i'll give it to him that he was dense {oh, the hits they take in high school football} and that he had the testosterone working against him in the communication department, but seriously-- in what universe is it acceptable to tell a girl immediately post-kiss to date someone else? i am clearly an excellent kisser {we kissed again, a few months later, against my better judgement} and he could be charming with flowers and the big pick-you-off-the-ground hugs....

i digress.


a similar situation occurred most recently.
as in, tonight.

no kissing but while cuddling i was told he would "hook" me up with his friend.

come again? we've spent the entire evening getting cozy. heck, he even watched a chick flick with me {brownie points}. he doesn't want to leave and in the midst of planning the next time we'll see each other, he pulls that crap?

i. don't. get. it.
i don't get men.
i don't get dating.
i don't get life.

clearly.

realist

i have often thought what exactly i would say to he-who-must-not-be-named, if ever he were to show his face again.

i want to say i would be strong, stalwart, and lovely. the heroine in my own story, eloquent and perfect words would fall from my lips and i would square my shoulders with purpose.

other times i envision that he would apologize a thousand times and bring me soft daisies with his heart. he would give me that look, the look i once thought he reserved only for me, and with the simple touch of skin i would melt. into perfection, like we once had. somehow the last 5 months would evaporate and we would be happy together, again.

more aptly, what would probably occur would be a great many cuss words. and a great many of the big ones. 

i'm evolving into a realist.

what can i say.

unfinished stories

i love that my hair smells like peppermint after i get it cut.
i love the feel of sunshine on goosebumps.
i love the sweet and salty taste of saltines-- the go-to sick food.
i love the escape of my subconscious into dreams of impossibility.
i love the scene of love unfolding. love growing. love abiding.
i love the sound of comfortable silence with familiar friends.
i love the possibilities embedded in the weekend. in this day, in this month, in my life.

"we are works of art. we are unfinished stories. we are floating melodies. we are the particles we breathe in. we are everything, and we are everywhere." - author unknown -

meanwhile, at home depot...

a few recent signs...

 {for the record, costco's chocolate sheet cake with chocolate mouse is fantastic}

we like to spice up the work-week with chocolate and contests. even though i sometimes gripe about the dirty old men {customers}, i do love the depot.
if only i could double my hourly wage... i would be sitting pretty.

raspberry trifle

i made this beauty last week!

*disclaimer-- i didn't take my own picture so i stole this from tasteofhome.com, buuut 

it is as delicious and it is pretty!

for the recipe, go here.

i used angel food cake instead of pound cake (personal preference).

it was delightfully light and tastebud-sensational. 

i'm not doing too shabby on this resolution of mine to try at least one new recipe a month. hazzah! what should i bake next??

nutella cupcakes... good heavens.

these are beautiful.
inside and out.

you can find the recipe here.


a word of warning-- make sure you have plenty of people to share them with because the nutella buttercream frosting is dangerously and gloriously sinful.

love ever after

i find these photos incredibly endearing and romantic. perhaps this is my sign-- that love exists and can last.

to see more pictures and find out the story, go here.

"this is the aim of my existence. 

we want [our grandchildren] to be happy the way we were."

"little by little we age 

but we don't change in our hearts. 

love gets stronger. 

that is the way I feel. 

i believe he feels the same way. 

yes, he was my first love. 

my first love and my last".

 "we were young and he was older but i liked him. 

he spoke to me in a very nice way."

"he looked at me the way a man

 who has just come out of the army

 would look at a sexy woman."

these tender quotes remind me so much of my grandparents. so old-fashioned and classy. even their names offer eloquence-- Odes and Afton, Ruby and Edward. i miss their influence in my life. 

i have a special place in my heart for my great-grandma, Dorcus Eve May Longshaw Record. although I never met my great-grandpa, their love was legendary. her spunk filled every inch of her dainty 4"11" frame and his dapper nature equaled his height of 6'4". they had a kissing stool upon which to smooch, and rumor has it that he would rope her into his lap with the crook of his cane to snuggle. even in their 80's. they were crazy about each other, to his last day on earth and far beyond. i firmly believe that their love story is continuing in heaven. 

my ancestors are a great reminder that love exists. love can last for a lifetime and more.

life isn't perfect but love can be.