something you have fought against your whole life. one breath you are not, and with the next inhale you want the cliche. with the blink of an eye you evolve into that girl.
today, i wanted flowers.
never before have i wanted flowers. but i wanted flowers because that would mean i was special, to someone. i tried so hard to be brave today. to not concern myself with the rampant pda and my apparent lack of someone but the tears spilled over.
i hate being that girl.
i hate wanting flowers.
but mostly, i hate this haunting feeling of loneliness that cankers me inside.soon it shall pass. soon.
2 comments:
Sweet Becky, I know exactly how you feel. It wasn't all that long ago I was in your place. Be strong and remember that you will find the love of your life in the right time and place. AND when it happens it will be more AMAZING than you ever imagined. Love you, Lori :)
Becky, I stared at this page for a good 5 minutes before figuring out how to leave a comment.
That speaks to two things:
1. I am either really, really tired or I have lost about a million brain cells in the last day or so.
and
2. I REALLY REALLY WANTED TO LEAVE THIS COMMENT FOR YOU!
It's about cliches.
Yesterday, I was writing an email to my dad in the periodicals room in the library. I was telling him how pathetic I felt about all my medical school rejections and how hopeless I felt that things would never get better and probably in a year or so I would be living in his basement or a cardboard box and no one would have ever seen such a miserable failure in all their life.
That is pretty much a direct quote.
I felt so awful and so sorry for myself that I was basically a medical school failure that I started to cry. I sat in the periodicals and bawled about how I will probably grow up into a homeless person.
And then I noticed everyone was staring at me & I remembered it was VALENTINE'S DAY and then I felt a little ridiculous because I figured they were probably assuming I was crying over a boy or something.
WHICH I WASN'T, I'M JUST A FREAKING FAILURE, OKAY?
So I left the library and kept thinking of every sad thing I could think of just because it felt so nice to cry & when I really thought about it, I was probably not only going to be homeless BUT I AM GOING TO DIE ALONE.
So then I started crying about boys.
All in all it made for a very sleep-deprived & emotional V day. Not my best year.
;)
Anyway, I love you.
There was no point to that whole story, other than to say that I made a fool of myself in front of a good thirty people. It was awesome.
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